Hey. How have you all been? That’s nice. Anyhoo…
I happened to meet Mike Ilitch back in 2000. He shook my hand and asked me how I was. I said, “I’m good, sir, but I’d be much better if you fired Randy Smith.” He didn’t respond and quickly walked away from me for some reason.
If I were half as cranky back then as I am at this team 15 years later, Mr. I would have probably had to have called the cops on me.
With the exception of wondering if JD Martinez was a fluke last year, every other fear I had about the 2015 Detroit Tigers back in April has come true. The bullpen is still a nightmare. Verlander is still broken. Cabrera’s health is a problem. Victor wasn’t ready to come back and his contract was a mistake. Nick Castellanos still isn’t ready. Alex Avila is a zombie. Simon was a terrible idea. Rondon still isn’t ready and maybe never will be. Tigers – Fister + Ray – Ray + Greene = Stupid. Brad Ausmus is still a moron. Etc, etc, etc.
Now I’m just a regular clown like anyone else. Why was I able to see all this coming and Dave Dombrowski didn’t? I was hardly alone in my fears. Nonetheless, this season has been a waste and for the first time in 30 years of watching this team, I have done something odd.
I have stopped watching.
Sure, I check in every now and then to make sure they haven’t done anything crazy like bring Inge back, but for the most part, I’ve found other activities to spend my time with. I’ve spent more time with my son. I’ve played some video games. I got a Netflix account and went wild there binge-watching shows like Breaking Bad and Archer. I was finally able to quit smoking for good (I hope). I actually go outside sometimes now. And we could all use more time viewing Asian amputee midget porn online, am I right?
I got my first taste of disappointment with the 1987 loss to Minnesota. I watched intently through the 90’s with the losing Higginson era teams. I sat in empty parks at Tiger Stadium and Comerica Park more times that I care to remember during the lean years. One squad that I watched every day was the embarrassing 2003 team. I kept watching when the offense disappeared and the pitchers all forgot how to field their position against St. Louis in 2006. I survived Game 163 and have the scars to prove it. I saw Torii Hunter fall over a fence as a cop cheered and the best Tigers team of my lifetime was eliminated from the playoffs in 2013.
But this time, I can’t do it. I won’t do it. I’m sick of living and dying with a team that continues to make the same mistakes over and over without learning a lesson. I’m annoyed that they traded two of my three favorite players (Fister and Jackson) within 7 months of each other and will have nothing to show for it. Take away my “true fan” card or whatever, but as Danny Glover might say, I’m getting too old for this shit to get this angry over a baseball team anymore. It’s time to say goodbye.
I’ll always be a Tigers fan. But I can’t do this hardcore nonsense anymore. All those idiots doing the wave seem much happier than us snobby nerds, you know? Maybe I’ll get over this at some point. But it won’t be any time soon. It's not me, Tigers. It's you.
For now, I leave you with some of the questions I have had rattling around in my head for some of the key members of the Tigers organization. If you run into any of these guys, feel free to ask some of these and let your old pal Rogo know what they say.
To Justin Verlander:
“What are you more in denial over? Your quickly eroding skills, your pants size, or your expanding bald spot?”
“If we all promise not to get mad, will you just admit that you were on PEDs so we can all stop waiting for you to be good again?”
“Tell me something intelligent you and Kate talk about. Seriously. No giggling.”
“When you stare at your paycheck, do you just see money or do you actually see the albatross that will continue to cripple this organization for the next few years?
To Dave Dombrowski:
“Many baseball experts say that the easiest thing for any General Manager to quickly fix is a team’s bullpen. In all your years in Detroit, only the 2006 team has had a decent pen. Are these experts all wrong or are you just a fucking dipshit?”
“Did you actually interview Brad Ausmus before hiring him or did you just stare into his eyes and softly coo to yourself?”
“Any chance you’ll ever draft a player that’s not complete horseshit? Or maybe stop wasting so many picks on family members of guys in the organization?”
“When you were questioned about doing your due diligence in the Doug Fister trade, you got defensive and pulled out a paper that you said had a list of players you were interested in. How many of the names on that list are currently working at gas stations?”
To Alfredo Simon:
"How many people have you raped or killed since you came to Detroit?"
"Marry, Fuck, Kill: Wait...forget it. This was a bad idea..."
"Is it true that Bill Cosby is a hero of yours?"
"You've spent time now in Baltimore, Cincinnati, and Detroit. Which city is it easier to rape or kill people in?"
To Brad Ausmus:
“I’m told you went to Dartmouth. Now is this the Ivy League school in New Hampshire or some technical school in Alabama that accepts illiterate halfwits?”
“What is two plus two? No using a calculator!”
“Why do you hate math and common sense so much?”
“Did you ever watch Arrested Development where Charlize Theron played a mentally handicapped person but no one realized it because she was so pretty? Anyway, is that what your problem is?”
And finally, to fans of the mid-90’s Cleveland Indians teams:
“So…any advice on how to get through this without jumping off a bridge? Sorry for making fun of you all these years...”
Thanks, everyone. Take care of each other. Especially the Asian amputee midgets.