Opening Day is behind us and the Tigers are off to a TORRID 1-0 start behind the amazing pitching of David Price. Sadly, Price will not start every game for Detroit this season, so it won’t always be this easy.
But perhaps more important than the team’s win-loss record is the TigerSnark Power Rankings, a complicated list of each player on the 25 man roster and where they rank on my personal preference list. I mean, how would Tigers fans know who to cheer for and who to send mean comments to on Twitter without my input? It’s a science.
I’ll update this list periodically throughout the season as I have the attention span of a sugared-up toddler and change player allegiances quicker than a teenage girl changes celebrity crushes.
1. Miguel Cabrera
Greatest Tigers hitter I’ve ever seen. Would probably have to physically attack my kid and/or Magglio Ordonez to ever lose the top spot.
2. Victor Martinez
I enjoy Contract Year Victor much more than Regular Victor, but he’s still a hitting machine. Needs to bring back “Give Me Everything” as his walkup music ASAP.
3. David Price
Ilitch should offer to adopt him and put him in the will. That may be the only way to get him to stick around after this year. Dude is going to have a monster season before becoming a Yankee next year and making me hate him.
4. Jose Iglesias
I’d turn the world’s scariest cartwheel if he finished the year above .260 at the plate. But he will be this generation’s Omar Vizquel with the glove when his time is done. He’s going to be a blast to watch this year if his legs don’t shatter. I can’t be the only one that screamed in horror when he stole two bases in the opener. Kind of like when I close my eyes in terror every time Dave Clark waves V-Mart home from second.
5. Anibal Sanchez
He’s a legit #2 starter if he can stay healthy. I hate the month he seems to miss every season due to whatever injury. His wife is gorgeous, too. She may want to look into a restraining order against me.
6. Yoenis Cespedes
In his first game as a Tiger, he doubled, tripled, and robbed a home run with a fantastic catch in left field. The only way he could have made a better first impression is if he managed to break Joe Nathan’s legs with a baseball bat.
7. Alex Avila
When Avila hits the ball to left field, I think he has the prettiest non-Venezuelan swing on the team. When he pulls the ball, it’s uglier than Nate Cornejo smiling. In the opener, he had the pretty swing. And he didn’t get a concussion yet! Bonus!
8. JD Martinez
I hope he’s not a one year wonder. He seems like legit good guy and he hit a monster homer to start off the scoring for Detroit this year. Good for JDM.
9. Justin Verlander
I’ve never been a fan of JV the person. Everyone I’ve ever talked to that’s met the guy has said he’s an arrogant prick. When he was dominating the league on the mound, I could ignore that. Now? Not so much. His contract could be a team crippler if he doesn’t rebound this year.
10. Joakim Soria
Of the seven Tigers relief pitchers, Soria is arguably the only one that legit belongs on a Major League roster. This is not ideal. SuperMex should be the closer by May 1st. (Actually, by April 8th.) If Nathan hasn’t imploded by then, it’ll be a miracle.
11. James McCann
I was on the #FreeMcCann train last year and I continue to be a fan of the kid. Hopefully Ausmus gets him plenty of action this year both for McCann’s benefit and to keep Avila healthy and fresh for once.
12. Ian Kinsler
Solid in every way, yet still makes bonehead moves from time to time, especially on the basepaths. The over/under on the amount of times Kirk Gibson will call him “scrappy” or “gritty” this season is currently set at 120.
13. Nick Castellanos
Lynn Henning is still the president of Nick’s fan club, but I’m still not convinced. His defense terrifies me and I’m hoping Omar Vizquel can work a miracle with him and turn him into a competent defender at third.
14. Shane Greene
If he can be 3/4 Rick Porcello, I’ll be happy. This should be Doug Fister’s spot on the team and I’m going to continue to think that every time Greene pitches because I’m a self-hating masochist.
15. Al Alburquerque
Good AlAl can join Soria in being a decent 1-2 punch out of the pen. Bad AlAl can’t find home plate to save his life. With a lot of luck, this could be the season when Bad AlAl goes bye-bye for good.
16. Rajai Davis
I like Rajai. Against lefties. Against righties, I’d rather have Don Kelly back. (Okay, not really.)
17. Anthony Gose
One of my best friends is a Blue Jays fan. He had quite the laugh when the Tigers traded Devin Travis for Gose. He told me a story about Gose swinging at a curveball and missing so bad he spun around and his helmet fell off. He then had a bigger laugh Opening Day when Travis homered in his Toronto debut while Gose sat on the bench against a right-hander and Davis got the start. I hate my friends.
18. Hernan Perez
If you squint and pretend, he easily becomes Ramon Santiago. He’s a harmless utility guy that can play anywhere. He should not, however, be used as a pinch hitter with the season on the line. Looking at you, Brad.
19. Tom Gorzelanny
I wanted him in the pen a couple years ago. I hope it’s not too late. (It’s probably too late.)
20. Angel Nesbitt
“Angel” is a stripper’s name.
21. Joba Chamberlain
Ugh. I forgot they brought him back. He can’t be that much better than Ryan Perry, can he? At least Perry’s tattoos are cool looking.
22. Andrew Romine
Remember when he was our starting SS? LOLZ…
23. Ian Krol
The sole survivor from the Fister trade. Unbelievable. Is anyone still defending that nonsense? I still haven’t been to a game since that mess went down.
24. Joe Nathan
Joe Nathan is a household name. So is garbage, and it stinks when it gets old, too.
25. Alfredo Simon
Speaking of bad trades. How do you become Rogo’s least favorite Tiger? Did someone say “being an alleged rapist and murderer”? Ding ding ding ding! We have a winner. I’d rather have literally any other pitcher in the game as Detroit's #5 starter.