Sunday, March 15, 2015

Ausmus Voices Some Early Concerns

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Hey, Brad. Just checking in. You hear it’s up in the 50’s in Detroit? Heck, we might hit 70 by Opening Day if we’re lucky. I tell you, there’s nothing quite like Spring in…
BRAD AUSMUS: You’re trying to make me insane, aren’t you?

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Huh? What do you mean?

BRAD AUSMUS: I think Leyland knew what he was doing when he left when he did. He knew what this team was turning into. I’m not an idiot, Dave.

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Of course not. Hey, Brad…what’s seven times four?

BRAD AUSMUS: Sigh. You know they don’t teach math at Dartmouth, Dave. Stop it.

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: I kid, I kid. So what’s wrong?

BRAD AUSMUS: Take a look around. My best two hitters are getting older and aren’t even on the field yet. My supposed ace fell in love and lost five miles per hour off his fastball. We just lost two of the best young starters in baseball and you replaced them with question marks. The Simon guy from Cincinnati has already killed seven hookers in Lakeland so far. Seven, Dave.

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Oh, now you can do math. Come on. Hookers aren’t real people, Brad. Porcello used to do the same thing all the time.

BRAD AUSMUS: And the infield defense scares me. Castellanos couldn’t catch the clap in a Filipino cathouse.

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: What about Iglesias? He’s good.

BRAD AUSMUS: The gimp? Hey! Iggy! Come over here for a second!
JOSE IGLESIAS: You got it, Skip!

[jogs for five steps]

[leg snaps]

[a mouse pokes its head out from inside leg, squints, rubs its eyes, and returns into leg]

JOSE IGLESIAS: Owwww! It happened again, Skip!

BRAD AUSMUS: See, Dave? It’s okay, Iggy. We’ll have Rand put another band aid on it. What about the bullpen, Dave? You promised me that you’d fix it.

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: We did. You got Rondon back.

BRAD AUSMUS: Oh. Hey, Bruce! What’s up, man!

[waves at Rondon]

[waves back and arm snaps in three places]

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: You did that on purpose, Brad.

BRAD AUSMUS: Don’t forget our super closer. Hey, Joe! How ya feeling?
JOE NATHAN: Eh? Whaa? There’s onions peeling?

[blows nose on $100 bill]

BRAD AUSMUS: Never mind, Joe. Go take your pills.

JOE NATHAN: Don’t sass me, sonny.

[flips Ausmus off]

[apologizes for flipping Ausmus off]

[tells reporters he doesn’t care about Ausmus]

[apologizes for saying he doesn’t care about Ausmus]

[goes to dinner at Old Country Buffet at 3pm]

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: So the team’s not perfect. Name me one that is, Brad.

BRAD AUSMUS: I know that, Dave. But not this imperfect. Not with this payroll and these expectations. Cespedes and Price don’t want to be here. Neither of our center fielders can hit. In fact, one of them can't find his uniform half the time. If our catcher gets hit in the head one more time, he might literally die. The bench players just get worse every year. No one can make a decent pot of coffee now that Donnie’s gone. And…

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Brad. Be patient. It’ll all work out. I promise.

JOSE IGLESIAS: [limps out with a crutch] Kevin says I’ll be okay in a day or two, Skip! I’m sure I’ll…

[piano falls on his head]


DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Yeah. It’ll work out fine. Just be positive.

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