Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Triumphant Return of Rogo-nac the Tremendous

I’m getting old, and many of you aren't, so let me explain the following bit. Many moons ago, a brilliant man named Johnny Carson was the host of “The Tonight Show” and one of his most famous reoccurring skits was “Carnac the Magnificent”. In it, Johnny would play Carnac, a mystic from the east that would predict answers to questions written on unseen cards in a sealed envelope. He would then open the envelope and read the question to the audience as his sidekick Ed McMahon hooted along next to him.

For example, Carnac would close his eyes, put an envelope to his forehead, and say “Touchback”. He would then rip open the envelope, pull out the card, and read “What’s the smart thing to do if a Cowboys cheerleader touches you”. He would also periodically insult Ed and the audience.  Go on Youtube and type in “Carnac” if this is still confusing to you.

It was funnier than I have made it sound and I used to do a ripoff of it at my old site entitled “Rogo-nac the Tremendous” and applied the Carnac gag to baseball and the Tigers. Only myself and maybe three other people ever understood them because most of my readers are fifteen years old.

Today, due to having nothing else worth talking about…Rogo-nac returns! And as his sidekick, he will now be joined by Rod Allen as his Ed McMahon.

Let the hilarity ensue.

ROD ALLEN: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We will now be joined by the great soothsayer from The East. He is the seer of all seers and Evan Reed’s favorite wingman, Rogo-nac the Tremendous!

(Rogo-nac enters and trips on stage.)

ROD ALLEN: Are you okay, oh wise pahdnah?

ROGO-NAC: I’m fine, you imbecile. Please explain the rules to these rubes so I can be left alone and go back to the Simpsons game on my phone.

ROD ALLEN: Sure thing, big fella. I have in front of me a pile of envelopes. A child of four, or even a man with Justin White’s limited intelligence, can see that they have been hermetically sealed and have been kept hidden in Tigers’ scouting reports on Billy Butler. We now ask you, Amazing Rogo-nac, to use your divine powers to give us the answers before opening the envelopes and reading the questions. Are you ready, great sir?

ROGO-NAC: Yup. Let’s go.

ROD ALLEN: Hermetically sealed.

ROGO-NAC: You have no idea what you’re saying, do you? Just reading cue cards.

ROD ALLEN: In scouting reports on Billy Butler.

ROGO-NAC: Where no one in Detroit has ever looked. Please begin.

ROD ALLEN: Ladies and gentlemen, the first envelope!

ROGO-NAC: Shhh. Rogo-nac must have complete silence.

ROD ALLEN: Most of the time, Rogo-nac’s jokes get complete silence.

ROGO-NAC: May your MLB bullpen be mostly comprised of unwanted minor league free agents.

ROD ALLEN: Please. Take the first envelope.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: Catch-22.

(rips open envelope)

What will Torii Hunter do when you hit him 100 fly balls?

ROD ALLEN: Hohoho…an old one, but a good one. Poor Torii. Next, sir.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: BJ Upton.

ROD ALLEN: Yes. Fine young player.

(rips open envelope)

ROGO-NAC: What did Verlander get after his last start and from who?

ROD ALLEN: Ooooooh! I see you, Rogo. Got me there with that change-piece.

ROGO-NAC: (glares at Allen) May your only son ask you to buy him a Don Kelly jersey. Next.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

Twenty pounds and four inches.

(rips open envelope)

What did Shannon  Hogan gain in the offseason?

ROD ALLEN: Oh no, you didn’t. That’s not true.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: The Titanic, A Perfect Circle, Lynn Henning.

ROD ALLEN: Titanic…A Perfect Circle…and Lynn? Hmm.

(rips open envelope)

ROGO-NAC: Name a ship, a shape, and a shill.

ROD ALLEN: Haha…that’s right.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: Disjoint.

ROD ALLEN: Disjoint?

(rips open envelope)

ROGO-NAC: What was dat Dombrowski smoking when he traded Doug Fister?

ROD ALLEN: Hohoho…that would explain it. You know, I used to smoke some reefer back in the day…

ROGO-NAC: No one cares, you idiot. May Tyler Collins be the outfielder of your team’s future. Give me the next one.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

Rajai Davis, Alex Avila, and Richard Bernstein.

ROD ALLEN: Now, be nice…

(rips open envelope)

ROGO-NAC: Who will steal a base, have a scruffy face, and give an ambulance chase?

ROD ALLEN: Hahaha…I see you. Oh, sorry Richard…

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: Rod in an Ace Hardware.

ROD ALLEN: Hey, now…

(rips open envelope)

ROGO-NAC: What should you not expose and where should you not expose it?

ROD ALLEN: Heh…I don’t get it.

ROGO-NAC: Of course not. Give me the next one.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: Nelson, Rod Allen’s fetish, and Bill Simonson.

(rips open envelope)

Name a Muntz, sacrifice bunts, and a dunce.

ROD ALLEN: Bunts are never a bad idea. No more about me, okay?

ROGO-NAC: (glares at Rod) May a drunken Rick Porcello meet your sister at a club. May Ian Krol be your team’s best lefty. May Phil Coke’s Brain steal your old bits for Bless You Boys.

ROD ALLEN: Please, great one. The envelopes. Insult me later.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: Ben Gay.

(rips open envelope)

Why will Justin Verlander never have a nephew?

ROD ALLEN: Hahaha…not true. Just a joke, everyone. I think.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: Big Al Beaton.

ROD ALLEN: Big Al…Beaton?

(rips open envelope)

ROGO-NAC: What’s Big Al been doing in the bathroom for the last half hour?

ROD ALLEN: Whoa. Throwin' seeds.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: Send in the Clowns.

(rips open envelope)

What does Brad Ausmus tell Jeff Jones when he needs a relief pitcher?

ROD ALLEN: Oh, hohohoho…

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: Don Kelly cut.

ROD ALLEN: You wish.

(rips open envelope)

ROGO-NAC: Describe what happened at Don Kelly’s circumcision.

ROD ALLEN: Haha…did that ever happen? Let me check Deadspin…

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: A keg of beer, a loaf of bread, and Porcello’s new girlfriend.

ROD ALLEN: Uh oh…

(rips open envelope)

ROGO-NAC: Name three things that contain yeast.

ROD ALLEN: Yeesh. Not your best.

ROGO-NAC: Sigh. May you be forced to listen to yourself call a baseball game.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

A vacuum, a sump pump, and Phil Coke.

(rips open envelope)

Name three things that suck.

ROD ALLEN: Ouch!

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: Decent pay, good readers, and the popularity of “Friends”.

ROD ALLEN: You lost me…

(rips open envelope)

ROGO-NAC: Name three things Chris Iott doesn’t get.

ROD ALLEN: Ha…I see you, Iott.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: Garfield, Morris the cat, and Jered Weaver.

ROD ALLEN: Garfield…Morris…and Weaver?

(rips open envelope)

ROGO-NAC: Name three famous pussies.

ROD ALLEN: Wow! You just won’t let that go, will you?

ROGO-NAC: Never. If you had integrity, you wouldn’t either. May John Keating be your only friend.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

The English language.

ROD ALLEN: The English language. Gotcha.

(rips open envelope)

ROGO-NAC: Name Craig Monroe’s toughest career opponent.

ROD ALLEN: Oooooh…hey. I love C-Mo. C’mon, only a couple left.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: A moonwalk competition, a diaphragm spasm, and the Doug Fister trade.

ROD ALLEN: Oh no…this again…

(rips open envelope)

ROGO-NAC: Name a dance-off, a hiccough, and a rip-off.

ROD ALLEN: Hey, the trade wasn’t that bad.

ROGO-NAC: Silence, paid shill. May you be as successful in life as Prince Fielder in the postseason.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

Old Man Winter.

(rips open envelope)

What is Mike Ilitch and how much longer will he be around?

ROD ALLEN: Now, you be nice! Mr. Ilitch is a great man.

ROGO-NAC: Explain his children then. How many more do we have?

ROD ALLEN: Three more! Here you go.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: UCLA.

ROD ALLEN: UCLA. Great school.

(rips open envelope)

ROGO-NAC: What do you see thirty miles from where the Los Angeles Angels play baseball?

ROD ALLEN: You see LA! Ahh, man. Let it go, Rogo.

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: A Diamondback, Angel Food, and Mitch Albom.

ROD ALLEN: Gotcha…

(rips open envelope)

ROGO-NAC: Name a snake, a cake, and a fake.

ROD ALLEN: Hahahahaha…HEY! Mitch is a friend of mine.

ROGO-NAC: Of course he is. May Omar Vizquel recommend your team a shortstop.

ROD ALLEN: Okay, Great Rogo-nac. I hold in my hands the LAST envelope!

(audience roars)

Thank goodness.

ROGO-NAC: May a girl in a Boesch shirsey sit on you. May Lynn Henning call you a future star. May the Fake Ty Cobb stalk you on Twitter.

ROD ALLEN: Please, Rogo-nac! The final envelope!

(Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead)

ROGO-NAC: A perfectly executed suicide squeeze and a FSD Girl.

ROD ALLEN: Okay. Bring it home.

(rips open envelope)

ROGO-NAC: Name an awesome bunt and an ignorant cun…

ROD ALLEN: That’s all the time we have! Thank you, Great One! Visit us again, one day! But not too soon...

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