Saturday, May 17, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Boston Red Sox

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season (or in some cases, one game into the first series), TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

I’ve had some people yapping at me about the lack of posts lately. I apologize that the monkey hasn’t been available to dance for your amusement as much this season. There are multiple reasons for this.

1. I’m trying to suck less at my real life job.

2. I’m trying to suck less at being a parent.

3. The Tigers have been playing well and I have little to poke fun at. But here’s one minor annoyance. Ausmus has been using Leyland Logic and using Don Kelly as a pinch hitter on occasion because LOL. From the start of 2012 to, oh, right now, Kelly is 2 for 22 as a pinch hitter. That’s a .087 batting average. He’s 11 for 62 in his career (.177/.250/.274). Stop doing that, Brad. You’re supposed to be smart.

4. The well ran dry a while ago and I should have ended this blog at the end of 2013 (if not sooner).

5. That idiot Simonson hasn’t written about the team in months.

So I’ll post when I can. Try to enjoy my last laps before this thing finally sputters out.

The Tigers entered the weekend at 24-12, good enough for a 6 game lead over Jon Heyman and Jon Paul Morosi’s Royals. They’ll spend this weekend on the road in Satan’s taint, otherwise known as Boston, for a series with the Red Sox. How nice. And after winning Game 1 of the series by the improbable score of 1-0, the Tigers are now 25-12 and have won 9 straight on the road. I’m almost certain that one of Leyland’s Tigers clubs didn’t win 9 road games all season. (I am probably just making this up.)

If any of you need a reason to hate Boston, you are a lost cause. Boston is America’s easiest sports city to hate. But that won’t stop us from this refresher course.

2014 Record So Far: 20-21

2013 Record: 97-65 (won World Series)

2013 Record vs. Tigers: 3-4 (4-2 in playoffs, sadly)


Franchise Hero
Teddy FACKIN’ Ballgame.

Despite my intense hatred for the Red Sox, if there’s one guy in baseball history that I could watch play that I never had the chance to, Ted Williams is the man. “The Splendid Splinter” was a 17-time All-Star, twice won the Triple Crown, won six batting titles, and twice won the AL MVP award. He retired with a career .344 batting average, 521 home runs, and a .482 OBP, the highest of all time.

Despite being the greatest hitter ever, the Boston media and many Sox fans treated him like shit during his playing years. This is yet another reason why the city should be sold to Russia as soon as possible. Give them the state of Texas, too.

Williams died in 2002 at the age of 83. In his will, he stated that he wished to be cremated and his ashes spread in the Florida Keys. However, his son and youngest daughter are crazy, horrible people.  His severed, frozen head remains frozen cryonically in the ultimate insult to this baseball legend.

Manager

John Farrell.

Farrell was a second round pick of the Indians in 1984. He pitched for parts of 8 years in the big leagues going 36-46 with a 4.56 ERA. After his playing days, John did some coaching for Oklahoma State before becoming the Tribe’s director of player development from the end of 2001 to 2006. From there, he went to Boston to be their pitching coach. Toronto hired him as manager for the 2011 and 2012 seasons. After Boston made Terry Francona into a scapegoat, Farrell returned to Beantown as the manager for the 2013 season, leading them to the World Series.

This is an unforgivable crime against baseball. Boston should never be allowed to win anything again. Die of tuberculosis, Farrell.

Top Three Current Red Sox

1. David Ortiz, DH. That fat prick’s still around. And using Daniel Nava’s piss to pass drug tests, I assume.
2. Dustin Pedroia, 2B. SCRAPPY, GRITTY, DIRTBALL, etc. Sigh. If you listen closely, during every Pedroia at bat in this series, you’ll be able to hear Rod Allen masturbating in the booth.

3. Jon Lester, SP. But not for long. Either he or Max will be a Yankee next year. The other will be on a Los Angeles squad.

Other good players: 1B Mike Napoli, OF Shane Victorino, SP Jake Peavy, SP John Lackey, SP Clay Buchholz (off to a rough start), RP Koji Uehara, SS Xander Bogaerts.

How is THIS Guy a Major Leaguer? 
Backup catcher Davis Ross is 68 years old. Let him retire, for crissakes.

Easiest Way to Anger a Red Sox Fan
Oh, there are many. We’ll cover the easy ones.

1. Be a "trader".

2. Wear a Yankees hat. Their extreme New York penis envy will set them into a rage.

3. Be black.

4. Be gay.

5. Be friends with an African-American or homosexual.
“LOOGET THIS FACK HANGIN’ WITH HIS DAHKEE QUEEYAH PAHLS! FACK ALLA YOU! YOU AIN’T FIT TO WAHLK IN SAWX FACKIN’ NAHTION! FACK YEW AND FACK BUCKNAH!”

/dips

/plays Puddle of Mudd on jukebox

/date rapes closest girl

Red Sox fans are as bad as it gets.

Three Reasons to Hate the Red Sox

1. Their fans. See above.

2. The 2013 ALCS. Fuck that cop.

3. The ongoing ESPN obsession with all things Yanks and Sawx. There exist many more fans that hate those franchises than actually like them, you know.

Former Tigers on Current Boston 40 Man Roster 

-RP Andrew Miller

-RP Burke Badenhop (Was in Erie...close enough.)

Both pitchers were traded to Florida in the Cabrera deal. Now both are in Boston. How nice. Also, this is your monthly reminder that the Tigers drafted Miller while Clayton Kershaw, Tim Lincecum, and Max Scherzer were still on the board.

-Farrell was a Tiger in ’96.

-Bench Coach Torey Lovullo was a Tiger in ’88 and ’89. I believe he was one of many guys that Sparky Anderson incorrectly labeled as the next Babe Ruth. Sparky was a funny guy…

Hey! Tell Some Bad Red Sox Jokes!

Okay.
-Why is the Monster green? Envy from all the Yankees World Championships.

-What’s the difference between a Red Sox fan and a newborn baby? The baby will eventually stop whining and crying.

-Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" The man answers, "241." "That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" The lady answers, "144." "That is great!", says Albert, "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert then goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" The person answers, "51." Albert ponders this for a moment and then smiles and says, "GO RED SOX!”

One more. David Ortiz never used PED’s. lolz

Season Outlook 

Who knows? The AL East could be won by anyone not named Toronto. But because it’s a cruel, sick world, I’m sure the fucks of Fenway will weasel their way into another postseason.

I’m ashamed that I rooted for them in 2004. Many of us did. We created a monster much bigger than that stupid wall they have in left field.

It remains my greatest regret in life. 

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