Monday, May 5, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Houston Astros

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

After the recent road trip, the Tigers return home with the best record in the American League at 17-9 and a 4.5 game lead in the AL Central. This is the team’s best start since 2006. And considering that Sanchez is hurt, shortstop is still an offensive black hole, the bullpen is a freak show, and Cabrera hasn’t gotten hot yet, we should be overjoyed.

I still won’t be happy until Phil Coke is unemployed and Don Kelly is duct taped to a rocket and shot into the sun.

Up next for the Tigers is the worst team in baseball, the Houston Astros. In the Killer B Days, the Astros were my favorite National League team. Today, they’re the crappy team I always forget moved to the AL West.

Robbie Ray makes his MLB debut for the Tigers tomorrow. Remember all the complaining I did about the Fister trade for Ray and friends? Tomorrow is my birthday. Well played, Tigers. Well played. Jerks.

Here’s a look at the Quad A team known as the 2014 Houston Astros.

2014 Record So Far: 10-21

2013 Record: 51-111

2013 Record vs. Tigers: 1-6

Franchise Hero
(Tie) Jeff Bagwell & Craig Biggio

My two favorite non-Tiger players of all time are Bags and Biggio. The fact that the stuffy-old-white-guy-club that make up the Hall of Fame voters has kept them out of the Hall so far is a disgrace.

Bagwell was involved in one of the most lopsided trades in baseball history as a minor leaguer when the Red Sox traded him to Houston for journeyman reliever Larry Anderson. As an Astro, Jeff would go on to win the NL Rookie of the Year award in 1991, the MVP in 1994, go to four All-Star Games, and win a Gold Glove. He is the Astros’ all-time leader in home runs, RBI, walks, runs created, sac flies, and intentional walks.

As grumpy as I get over Bagwell not being in the Hall, Biggio’s case is even more ridiculous. Craig played twenty years in Houston winning Gold Gloves at both catcher and second base, four in total. He is a seven-time All-Star, won five Silver Sluggers, and finished his career with over 3,000 hits. Biggio is Houston’s all-time leader in games played, at bats, runs scored, hits, doubles, and extra-base hits. In 1998, he became the only player in MLB history other than Tris Speaker to have 50 doubles and 50 stolen bases in the same season. He went the entire 1997 season without hitting into a double play, the first player to ever do so in a 162 game season.

Bagwell and Biggio were amazing. Fuck you, Hall of Fame voters. People around here like to complain about Whitaker and Trammell getting shafted. But Bagwell and Biggio have as big, if not a bigger, case for the Hall.

/jumps off soapbox

Manager

Bo Porter

Who has the worst job in baseball other than the guy that washes Gene Lamont’s underwear? My vote goes to Bo Porter for having to lead this sad group.

Marquis Donnell “Bo” Porter was a 40th round draft pick of the Cubs in 1993. He got limited time in the bigs with Chicago, Oakland, and Texas from 1999-2001 hitting a combined .214 with 2 homers and 8 RBI in 89 games. His homers came off of Mark Mulder and Tony Fiore, for the record.

Starting in 2007, he coached in the organizations of the Marlins, Diamondbacks, and Nationals before being named the Astros skipper in 2013. He is 54-117 as a big league manager. Considering that he’s had two 2003 Tigers level squads so far, I can’t hold that against him.

Top Three Current Astros

Oh gawd…this is tough.

1. Jose Altuve, 2B. Did you know he is small? IT’S TRUE! Take a drink this series every time Rod Allen points this out. Then call me from the hospital.

2. Jason Castro, C. Quietly hit 18 homers last year with a 130 OPS+. No one noticed because LOL Astros.

3. Dexter Fowler, OF. Solid player with the Rockies. Has struggled so far in Houston because LOL Astros.

Other good players: SP Scott Feldman. RP Matt Albers, RP Jesse Crain (injured).

How is THIS Guy a Major Leaguer? 

Chad Qualls? Seriously? Since saving 24 games in 2009 for Arizona, he went on to be beyond awful for five other teams before rebounding with the Marlins last year. But no one noticed because LOL Marlins. He has given up 5 earned runs in 9 innings for Houston this year. The end is near.

Three Easiest Ways to Anger a Astros Fan
Sorry. There are no Astros fans left to piss off. Other than this guy. Sadface.

Three Reasons to Hate the Astros

1. Being so terrible, they allow their AL West rivals, the A’s, Angels and Rangers to pad their records in their attempts to get home field advantage for the playoffs.

2. Lost to the White Sox in the 2005 World Series. Chicago fans still haven’t stopped talking about it.

3. These uniforms from the 1970’s and 80’s.
They dressed Nolan Fucking Ryan as a clown. Shameful.

Former Tigers on Current Houston Roster 

-Darin Downs (think they’d trade him to us for Coke?)

Hey! Tell Some Bad Astros Jokes!

I feel bad. It's hard to hate the Astros right now. But okay.
-What’s the difference between dirt and the Astros? Nothing. They both always get swept.

-Why doesn’t San Antonio have a real professional baseball team? Because then Houston would want one.

-What do Bo Porter and Alex Trebek have in common? Both of their jobs are in Jeopardy.

Sigh. LOL Astros.

Season Outlook 

Last place. By a bunch.


In a few years, Houston fans may come back out of the woodwork. They have a lot of good, young talent in the minors. Until then, it’s going to be endless “Houston, we have a problem” jokes.

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