Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Huge Finally Returns to Say Dumb Things About Jim Leyland

It was fun while it lasted.

It’s been since October since possible mental patient/terrible radio personality, Bill “Huge” Simonson, has graced mLive with his unique brand of being wrong about everything concerning baseball. But like all good things, our well-deserved break has come to an end. Bill filed an article this week on why Jim Leyland was the root of all evil in Detroit baseball, while Brad Ausmus is obviously the best. It comes in at a WHOPPING 328 words so you know Bill spent a lot of time thinking about it and backing his statements up with facts.

/never-ending wanking motion

As long time readers know, I’m no Leyland lover. His in-game decisions often left me scratching my head and kicking my wall, especially when they involved Don Kelly. I’m still bitter about aspects of Game 163, Alfredo Figaro, and all the bunts with Miguel Cabrera in the on-deck circle. I certainly don’t miss his awful postgame interviews.

But I also remember the quality of baseball in Detroit pre-2006, how it changed under Leyland, and how much his players loved and respected the guy. Major Leaguers don’t act that way about a manager that’s some sort of dunce. That’s why no one in the history of the game has ever said anything nice about Bobby Valentine.

It’s been a while, kids. Put on your b.s. detectors (or Bill Simsonson detectors, if you will) and once again join me in the world of Huge.

Where are all the Jim Leyland lovers now? 

Everywhere. If you were to ever listen to anything but the sound of your own idiot voice, you would know this. People worship the guy. Whenever I crack a joke about the old fart, there’s always someone quick to yell at me for it. Leyland’s a legend, whether you like the guy or not, and will someday be in the Hall of Fame.

After Opening Day’s crowd, the Tigers’ highest home attendance for a game this season is 42,312 for the May 10th game against the Twins. That was Leyland Appreciation Day. Standing ovations for the man. There were the Leyland lovers, you dipshit. Or look around the internet for the countless articles praising the man after he stepped down. 

Do you really miss him? Are you watching the Tigers right now? Can you see the difference a good manager makes in baseball?

We’re a month and a half into the 2014 season. Calm down. You might want to give it until at least August before you take Brad Ausmus’ dick that far into your throat.

Leyland was so bad as a manager.

I know, right? Soooooooooooooo bad. 1,769 career wins, 700 in Detroit. Seven out of eight Tiger teams finishing over .500 after two decades of futility. Two World Series appearances in eight years. Three straight division titles to end his run. The love and respect of every player you ever hear talk about him. I think even Barry Bonds likes Leyland and Barry hates everyone.

That Leyland…what a piece of shit, amirite?

I know many Detroit Tigers fans still love him and think he did a lot for the team. All I see is a guy who blew two, if not three, shots at winning it all.

I trust what you see less than I trust what Richard Bernstein wearing a blindfold sees while exploring a pitch black cave after midnight..

He did less with big money talent than any manager I've ever seen at the Major League level.

Well, in your defense, you’re a colossal fucking moron. Let me help you with some examples from last season. Surely, even ‘ol “Memory of a Goldfish” Bill Simonson can remember the days way back in 2013, right?

Last season, Charlie Manuel’s Phillies finished 4th in the NL East at 73-89 despite a team payroll of over $159 million. That was $10 million higher than Detroit’s. Also last year, the Yankees team payroll was over $228 million! Wow! They must have won 160 games, right? No. Joe Girardi’s squad only won 85 games and missed the playoffs.

What I’m trying to say here is that Bill Simonson is a fucking moron. I’m not sure I’ve made that clear over the past couple years.

What you see now is the difference in the dugout.

You’re right. When FSD cuts to a shot of Gene Lamont scratching his nuts next to the manager, the guy there now is so much more HANDSOME that the last one! I definitely see the difference!

In less than two months since Brad Ausmus was hired you've seen what a smart decision making can do.

Ausmus has had Don Kelly bat 5th four times already. I’m not ready to crown Mr. Ivy League our lord and savior of smart baseball decisions quite yet.

If Ausmus had been managing the Tigers since 2006 I think they would have at least two, if not three, more World Championship trophies in Detroit.

Because science?

Would Brad’s boyish good looks have calmed the nerves of the ’06 bunch so the pitchers would remember how to field and everyone but Sean Casey wouldn’t suck camel cock at the plate?

Would Ausmus have smelled the PED’s a mile away on Nelson Cruz and somehow kept him from hitting 50 homers in the ’11 ALCS to sink the Tigers?

Perhaps it was Leyland that was behind the Giants pitchers being so dominant in the ’12 Series. I bet that sneaky old bastard was on the Frisco payroll the whole time! No WONDER Hunter Pence was clapping so much!

What I like most about Ausmus is that he lets his players play and doesn't over manage.

You see, Leyland didn’t let his players play. Under his watch, Alex Avila would go to grab a bat to face the pitcher and Crazy Jimbo would force him to use a tuba instead. Austin Jackson would round second base for third and be forced to stop and crab-walk because Dummy Leyland insisted on it.

That makes a huge difference when fighting through playing poorly and when putting the foot on the gas to pull away in a weak division, as they are now.

Holy shit. I’ve made fun of Simsonson for years now and consider myself to sadly be an expert on his past nonsense. One of his favorite things to do is bash any player that struggles. He’d shit all over Leyland for letting the guy keep playing.

Now, he’s all about letting players play and fighting through tough times. This is the equivalent of if suddenly tomorrow, I were to begin a campaign for Don Kelly to be our leadoff man and become the starting left fielder.

Leyland winning the AL Central by a game last year proves my point.

No, you thinking it proves your point only proves that you are a clueless dicksnot.

Leyland’s Tigers went 15-4 against the second place Indians last year. Is it his fault that the Tribe somehow still won 92 games? Is it Leyland’s fault that Robin Ventura is a shit manager and his White Sox lost 17 of 19 games to Cleveland?

Also, never mind that Miguel Cabrera was an injured walking shell of himself the final two months of the season. And just forget about the fact that Detroit wrapped up the division with three games to go and played all scrubs the final series in Florida. That doesn’t fit the narrative.

I’ll say it again. The Indians won 92 games last year. What did you want? A 20 game lead? Fuck Leyland for not winning 112 games last year!

Say what you want,

Okay. You’re a cunt.

but I'll go to my grave


believing Leyland was forced to step down after he blew the ALCS against Boston.

Also, 9/11 was an inside job. Obama was behind Sandy Hook. JFK was killed by cross-dressing aliens from the planet Splankton.

Ausmus manages for today, not tomorrow. He isn't thinking about October now.

Huge knows what Ausmus thinks. He’s inside his head. He’s got it all figured out.

It’s May 20th.

He can play small ball or long ball if he has to.


What did Leyland do? Did I imagine all those sac bunts and Cabrera/Fielder homers?

He already has more of a feel for his players and games than Leyland ever had.

Oh, obviously. This is easily proven by…

Leyland went with his gut and never wavered from how he managed over the years. Ausmus is still learning on the job and is willing to admit mistakes and change when needed.

Brad pretty, Jim ugly. Ausmus friendly, Leyland a meanie. Brad Ausmus pisses excellence and farts rainbows. Leyland…don’t ask.

It’s May 20th.

I think Ausmus in his first year as the Tigers manager will do what Leyland never could in Detroit and get Mike Ilitch that World Series ring.

How have Bill’s last two column predictions gone?

4/22/14: The Red Wings will beat the Bruins in 6 games. (Boston beat Detroit in 5 games.)

3/25/14: Michigan and Michigan State both have a great chance at making the Final Four. (Both teams lost in the Elite Eight.)

Bill Simsonson is never right.

We’re doomed. Fire Ausmus.

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