Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Huge Finally Returns to Say Dumb Things About Jim Leyland

It was fun while it lasted.

It’s been since October since possible mental patient/terrible radio personality, Bill “Huge” Simonson, has graced mLive with his unique brand of being wrong about everything concerning baseball. But like all good things, our well-deserved break has come to an end. Bill filed an article this week on why Jim Leyland was the root of all evil in Detroit baseball, while Brad Ausmus is obviously the best. It comes in at a WHOPPING 328 words so you know Bill spent a lot of time thinking about it and backing his statements up with facts.

/never-ending wanking motion

As long time readers know, I’m no Leyland lover. His in-game decisions often left me scratching my head and kicking my wall, especially when they involved Don Kelly. I’m still bitter about aspects of Game 163, Alfredo Figaro, and all the bunts with Miguel Cabrera in the on-deck circle. I certainly don’t miss his awful postgame interviews.

But I also remember the quality of baseball in Detroit pre-2006, how it changed under Leyland, and how much his players loved and respected the guy. Major Leaguers don’t act that way about a manager that’s some sort of dunce. That’s why no one in the history of the game has ever said anything nice about Bobby Valentine.

It’s been a while, kids. Put on your b.s. detectors (or Bill Simsonson detectors, if you will) and once again join me in the world of Huge.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Boston Red Sox

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season (or in some cases, one game into the first series), TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

I’ve had some people yapping at me about the lack of posts lately. I apologize that the monkey hasn’t been available to dance for your amusement as much this season. There are multiple reasons for this.

1. I’m trying to suck less at my real life job.

2. I’m trying to suck less at being a parent.

3. The Tigers have been playing well and I have little to poke fun at. But here’s one minor annoyance. Ausmus has been using Leyland Logic and using Don Kelly as a pinch hitter on occasion because LOL. From the start of 2012 to, oh, right now, Kelly is 2 for 22 as a pinch hitter. That’s a .087 batting average. He’s 11 for 62 in his career (.177/.250/.274). Stop doing that, Brad. You’re supposed to be smart.

4. The well ran dry a while ago and I should have ended this blog at the end of 2013 (if not sooner).

5. That idiot Simonson hasn’t written about the team in months.

So I’ll post when I can. Try to enjoy my last laps before this thing finally sputters out.

The Tigers entered the weekend at 24-12, good enough for a 6 game lead over Jon Heyman and Jon Paul Morosi’s Royals. They’ll spend this weekend on the road in Satan’s taint, otherwise known as Boston, for a series with the Red Sox. How nice. And after winning Game 1 of the series by the improbable score of 1-0, the Tigers are now 25-12 and have won 9 straight on the road. I’m almost certain that one of Leyland’s Tigers clubs didn’t win 9 road games all season. (I am probably just making this up.)

If any of you need a reason to hate Boston, you are a lost cause. Boston is America’s easiest sports city to hate. But that won’t stop us from this refresher course.

Monday, May 5, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Houston Astros

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

After the recent road trip, the Tigers return home with the best record in the American League at 17-9 and a 4.5 game lead in the AL Central. This is the team’s best start since 2006. And considering that Sanchez is hurt, shortstop is still an offensive black hole, the bullpen is a freak show, and Cabrera hasn’t gotten hot yet, we should be overjoyed.

I still won’t be happy until Phil Coke is unemployed and Don Kelly is duct taped to a rocket and shot into the sun.

Up next for the Tigers is the worst team in baseball, the Houston Astros. In the Killer B Days, the Astros were my favorite National League team. Today, they’re the crappy team I always forget moved to the AL West.

Robbie Ray makes his MLB debut for the Tigers tomorrow. Remember all the complaining I did about the Fister trade for Ray and friends? Tomorrow is my birthday. Well played, Tigers. Well played. Jerks.

Here’s a look at the Quad A team known as the 2014 Houston Astros.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Triumphant Return of Rogo-nac the Tremendous

I’m getting old, and many of you aren't, so let me explain the following bit. Many moons ago, a brilliant man named Johnny Carson was the host of “The Tonight Show” and one of his most famous reoccurring skits was “Carnac the Magnificent”. In it, Johnny would play Carnac, a mystic from the east that would predict answers to questions written on unseen cards in a sealed envelope. He would then open the envelope and read the question to the audience as his sidekick Ed McMahon hooted along next to him.

For example, Carnac would close his eyes, put an envelope to his forehead, and say “Touchback”. He would then rip open the envelope, pull out the card, and read “What’s the smart thing to do if a Cowboys cheerleader touches you”. He would also periodically insult Ed and the audience.  Go on Youtube and type in “Carnac” if this is still confusing to you.

It was funnier than I have made it sound and I used to do a ripoff of it at my old site entitled “Rogo-nac the Tremendous” and applied the Carnac gag to baseball and the Tigers. Only myself and maybe three other people ever understood them because most of my readers are fifteen years old.

Today, due to having nothing else worth talking about…Rogo-nac returns! And as his sidekick, he will now be joined by Rod Allen as his Ed McMahon.

Let the hilarity ensue.