Friday, April 18, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 (Not) Los Angeles Angels

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

After a split with the hated Tribe, the Tigers are now 7-5 with a half-game lead early on over the…Twins? Yes, you can tell it’s still early. Due to the horrid Michigan weather, the Tigers have played fewer games than any team in baseball so far. Nice job, schedule making geniuses. But even after only twelve games, it’s obvious that the team has serious holes at shortstop and the bullpen. Who could have seen that coming?

/wanking motion

Justin Miller to the rescue? Sigh.

Coming to town next is the Los Angeles, California Angels of Anaheim. Longtime readers of mine know there’s no love lost between Your Party Host and Angels fans. But for a change, I’ll be an adult and try to keep things civil in this Angels/Tigers preview.


2014 Record So Far: 7-8

2013 Record: 78-84

2013 Record vs. Tigers: 6-0

Sigh. Way to have my back last year, Tigers. Looking at you especially, Porcello. You dick.

Franchise Hero
Mike Trout

No player currently resides in the Hall of Fame wearing an Angels uniform. However, many HOFers including Rod Carew, Reggie Jackson, Nolan Ryan, Rickey Henderson, Dave Winfield, and Bert Blyleven all spent time with the Halos. Probably the best guy to be known primarily as an Angel until recently was Tim Salmon. But Trout > Salmon by a mile. (So I'm told. I hate seafood.)

The Chosen One is known as probably the most complete Major Leaguer since Ken Griffey Jr was in his early days in Seattle. The saber crowd tongue-bathes Trout on a daily basis to the point that he is resented by some in the more traditional crowd. There’s no doubt that the guy is an amazing talent. But he’s Angel. So I hope he catches Pujols/Hamilton disease and forgets how to play baseball as soon as possible.


Mike Scioscia is the longest-tenured manager in MLB. He was a two-time All-Star catcher for the Dodgers in his playing days and has since won Manager of the Year twice with the Angels, leading them to a World Series title in 2002. He met his wife when she brought him cookies at a game at Dodger Stadium. It’s a good thing Rick Porcello doesn’t marry every fangirl that offers up her sweets to him. Yikes.

Top Three Current Angels
1. Trout, OF. Not his finest picture, I know.

2. Albert Pujols, 1B. Not the beast he once was, but still terrifying in the batter’s box. He kills Tigers pitching and probably will until the day he retires. Oh, how I loathe him.

3. Josh Hamilton, OF. Can’t miss pick turned crackhead turned redemption story turned MVP turned washed up injured guy. All by age 33. Impressive.

Other good players: 2B Howie Kendrick, SP CJ Wilson, SP/Assole Jered Weaver, SP Garrett Richards.

How is THIS Guy a Major Leaguer? 

John McDonald is still in MLB? Holy hell. I like Johnny Mac, but yikes. He’s 39 years old. You don’t have a better utility option?

/ignores fact that Detroit’s starting SS is a washed up 37 year old with less talent than McDonald

Easiest Ways to Anger a Angels Fan

Point out that they’re being dicks for defending Jered Weaver during the Magglio/Guillen/Avila incident a couple years ago.

TRUST ME. They get mad. Very mad.

Three Reasons to Hate the Angels

1. Jered Weaver is the biggest cockwallet in MLB today.

2. That idiotic rally monkey still haunts my dreams.

3. They are not in Los Angeles. They are LIARS. Lying, fucking liars! Anaheim is over 26 miles away from LA. With their traffic, it takes an hour to get from LA to Anaheim. I can get from Toledo to Detroit quicker than that. I'm sure Danny Worth can make it in half the time.

Also, if my 10th grade Spanish is accurate, “The Los Angeles Angels” translates to “The The Angels Angels”. What the shit is that about? No wonder their fans are pricks. Their team name makes no sense.

Former Tigers on Current LAAoA 40 Man Roster 

-Brennan Boesch. That’s adorable.

-Jose Alvarez

-John McDonald...think we can trade Gonzo for him?

Hey! Tell Some Bad Angels Jokes!

-Why do Angels fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards? So they can park in handicapped spaces.

-What do Angels fans use for birth control? Their personalities.

-What’s the difference between a cactus and the Angels dugout? On a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.

Take my wife…please.

I’m running out of famous comedians that I hate for these pictures. I probably should have considered that sooner…

Season Outlook 

Who knows with this team? On paper, they look pretty good. But then reality happens and they play like shit against teams not from Detroit. Their pitching staff isn’t as impressive as they’ve been in the past and I think that keeps them behind Oakland and Texas when the season ends.

They have to finish ahead of Seattle. Don’t they?

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