Tuesday, April 8, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Los Angeles Dodgers

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents.

The Tigers sit at 4-1 with a 1.5 game lead in the AL Central as they head into their first road trip of the season. And it's off to Los Angeles for interleague...in April. This is stupid. We now get to watch our pitchers attempt to hit. Purists may enjoy it, but I prefer the only automatic out in the Tigers lineup being Don Kelly. It's just how I am.

The Dodgers are loaded on paper, but many of their stars have early season owies and are on the DL. Lucky us. Here's a look at the LaLa Land two game series and what to hate about them.

2014 Record So Far: 5-3

2013 Record: 92-70

2013 Record vs. Tigers: Did not play.

Franchise Hero

Since the move to LA? Gotta go with Sandy Koufax.

Youngest player to be elected to the Hall of Fame at 36 years, 20 days. Career cut way too short. Koufax is in my top two pitchers I never got to see pitch that I wish I could have (the other being Bob Gibson) so I'm not going to say anything bad about the guy. A true legend.

Don Mattingly, the original Donnie Baseball. Unlike our Donnie Baseball, this one was good at playing baseball. Injuries cut short what looked to be a Hall of Fame career with the Yankees before their franchise became unbearable. Known for fighting with owners over lack of support in LA and his haircut in NY.

Top Three Current Dodgers

1. Clayton Kershaw, SP. This is your yearly reminder that the Tigers drafted Andrew Miller in the '06 Draft one pick ahead of the Dodgers selecting Kershaw. Thanks goodness the Marlins were dumb enough to trade Miguel Cabrera for the guy before it became obvious that he was dogshit.

2. Yasiel Puig, OF. Loved by fans that enjoy baseball. Hated by crusty, old white people that hate seeing people have fun.

3. Matt Kemp, OF. Kemp's in my dream outfield with McCutchen and AJax. One day it'll happen. One day.

Also good: SP Zach Greinke, 1B Adrian Gonzalez, SS Hanley Ramirez, OF Carl Crawford, OF Andre Ethier, SP Josh Beckett, SP Chad Billingsley

How is THIS Guy a Major Leaguer?

Chone Figgins! I had no idea he was still alive. Amazing. Congrats, Chone!

Easiest Way to Anger an Dodgers Fan

Try to talk about baseball with them. That's the last thing they care about on a day to the ballpark. The big earthquake that's supposed to sink LA into the Pacific can't come soon enough.

Three Reasons to Hate the Dodgers

1. Gibson's '88 World Series homer should have been hit for the Tigers.

2. Chris Perez is there. Get your tired weed jokes ready for Twitter, everyone!

3. Dodgers fans are notorious for arriving late and leaving early. Because LA. LA should be considered a foreign country. Them and the state of Texas.

Former Tigers on Current Los Angeles 40 Man Roster

None, but Scott Van Slyke is on the roster. He, of course, is the son of former Tiger first base coach Andy Van Slyke. Did we ever find out why he skipped town?

Hey! Tell Some Bad Dodgers Jokes!

-What song do Dodger fans sing before the ninth inning at Dodger Stadium? Nobody knows...there's never anyone left.

-What do Dodger fans and sperm have in common? Approximately 1 in 3,000,000 have a chance at being a decent human being.

-What should you do if you find three Dodger fans buried up to their necks in cement? Get more cement.

Thank you, ladies and germs. Try the veal.

Season Outlook
If they can get and stay healthy, the sky's the limit. The Dodgers are as impressive a team as there is on paper. It's all in seeing if they can pull themselves together. The Tigers are facing them at a good time for this two-game series due to so many of the stars being banged up.

But if they all get healthy, look out. This could easily be the NL representitive in the World Series.

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