Friday, April 25, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Minnesota Twins

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

Yes, eventually I'm going to post something other than these Fan Guide things. I've been busy and Huge hasn't written about the Tigers in months. So BACK OFF.

I got a call at 5am yesterday morning that one of the bars I’m district manager of was on fire. Upon arriving, I immediately voiced my suspicions that only Ian Krol, Phil Coke, or Evan Reed could start a fire that quickly. The fireman was not amused. (If you care, the damage was minimal due to the amazing job done by the Toledo Fire Department. Thanks, TFD.)

After splitting a four game set with the White Sox, our beloved 11-8 Tigers head to the frozen tundra of Minnesota for a series with the Twins. The Metrodome may be a horrid memory of the past, but hatred for the Twinkies never dies.

Here’s a look at what we’re dealing with this weekend.

2014 Record So Far: 11-10

2013 Record: 66-96

2013 Record vs. Tigers: 8-11

Franchise Hero
Anthony Kirby Puckett. Yes, he decided “Kirby” was a better name to get around with than “Tony”.

Puckett spent his entire twelve year career with the Twins and retired with a .318 batting average, at that time the highest career mark by any right-handed batter since Joe DiMaggio. Kirby is Minnesota’s all-time leader in hits, runs, doubles, and total bases. He made ten All-Star games, won two World Series titles, six Gold Gloves, was the 1989 AL batting champion, won the All-Star MVP in 1993, and the ALCS MVP in 1991. Puckett was a first-ballot Hall of Famer in 2001. His 11th inning Game Six home run in the 1991 World Series is one of baseball’s most famous moments.

Kirby was forced to retire early at the age of 35 due to going blind in one eye from something called central retinal vein occlusion. His life after baseball saw his reputation take a hit after incidents involving sexual misconduct and assault that he was later found not guilty of. Sadly, Puckett died in 2006 of a stroke just eight days before what would have been his 46th birthday. He was a legend that died way, way too young.

Also, he was short and fat.

Ron Gardenhire.

With a 1,006-954 record as Twins manager since 2002, Gardy has been a fixture in the Minnesota dugout since Tom Kelly stepped down. He won AL Manager of the year in 2010 (finishing as runner-up five times) and has been ejected from 67 games in that period. So he’s fun to watch and gets the most out of his talent. I’ve got nothing bad to say about him. He’s a good dude that may or may not actually be Santa Claus on summer vacation.

Top Three Current Twins

1. Joe Mauer, 1B. No longer catches, but still maintains those HEAVENLY sideburns.

2. Glen Perkins, RP. I’m amazed the Twins haven’t traded him for prospects yet.

3. Josh Willingham, OF. Getting old and breaking down. He's the Dodge Neon of the Twins.

Other good players: Chris Colabello, OF. Kyle Gibson, SP. Casey Fien, RP (#ShouldOfKept). Trevor Plouffe, 3B.

Quck story time…one of my stores hired a new cook recently. Every time I saw him the first week or two, he had Red Sox gear on. So, of course, I immediately hated him. Then I go to do payroll and find out his last name is “Plouffe”. Holy shit. I’ve since talked to him and he seems like a nice enough guy, but he’s a Boston fan named “Plouffe”. You’d think he’d be history’s greatest monster with that background. We really should fire him soon.

Anyway…on with the nonsense.

How is THIS Guy a Major Leaguer? 

They signed Sam Fuld off waivers. LOLZ…of course the Twins did. There has yet to be a shitty, white outfielder that the Twins haven’t tried to sign at some point. Tyler Collins will be a Twin by 2018.

Easiest Ways to Anger a Twins Fan

Ya know, I’m not sure. Minnesotans seem to be nice enough folks. I’ve only dealt with one Twins fan in my lifetime. After Game 163, I was in a bar, beside myself with rage and looking for something to tear apart. A guy in a Twins hat walked up to me and stuck out his hand saying “Heck of a game.” I said something along the lines of “You need to get away from me. Run.” And he took off like Bartolo Colon from a salad. I don't regret it. Eff him.

Maybe call Kent Hrbek a piece of shit. That might piss them off. They worship that fat bastard.

Three Reasons to Hate the Twins

1. Game 163.
2. Twins hits. Any bloop hit, infield single, or cheap hit of any kind is known as a Twins hit, or #TwinShit if you’re on Twitter. Nick Punto was the king of the #TwinShit.

3. Punto. Lew Ford. Jesse Crain. Jason Bartlett. Michael Cuddyer. Jason Kubel. Denard Span. Matt Tolbert. Nick Blackburn. Orlando Cabrera. Carl Pavano. Trevor Plouffe. Ben Revere. Scott Diamond. Brian Dozier. Ryan Doumit.

Several, if not all, of these names should start to make your blood boil if you’re a Detroit baseball fan. NONE of these players are or were superstars. But the Tigers have somehow found ways to make each of them look like All-Stars over the past decade or so. I call it "Joe Crede Syndrome". And Crede was with the Twins, too. I may be onto something there...

I’m convinced that every year the Tigers’ scouting report on the Twins consists of nothing more than a bar napkin Gene Lamont uses to wipe BBQ sauce off his face when they visit Kansas City.

Add Torii Hunter and Joe Nathan to that war crime list, too. I still haven’t forgotten, guys. You may be wearing a pretty shirt nowadays, but I’ve got my eye on you old fuckers. Torii’s suddenly repulsive defense and Nathan’s repeated Valverde impression can’t be a coincidence, can they? I’m 23% sure they’re still working undercover for the goddamned Twins organization. I just need more concrete proof…

Former Tigers on Current Minnesota Roster 

-Casey Fien

Wait…that’s it? What the hell happened to Clete Thomas?

/uses interwebs

Clete’s in the Phillies organization. Well, that’s no fun. I’ll miss making fun of him.

Hey! Tell Some Bad Twins Jokes!

-Why is Halloween a Twins player’s favorite holiday? It’s the only thing in October they have to look forward to.

-What do you call a 2014 Twins player with a World Series ring? A thief.

-What do you get when you combine all forty men on the Twins roster with forty lesbians? Eighty people that don’t do dick.

I turn 37 years old in two weeks. I really need to stop this…

Season Outlook 

They’ve started much better than most expected, but when it’s all over, expect the Twinkies to be in the AL Central cellar. They just don’t have the talent to hang with the rest of the division.

Then again, they’re the Twins. These pricks might just win 95 games again to ruin all of our seasons before going on to get swept in the playoffs by the Yankees or Red Sox. That would be such a Twins thing to do, you know.

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