Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Chicago White Sox

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. Unless I'm too tired from work to make doodie jokes about baseball and it ends up being a day late...like today.

After yesterday's frustrating loss, the Tigers dropped to 9-7 on the young season and have scored 2 runs or less in 8 of their 16 games. Is the propaganda machine still spinning the “SMARTBALL” narrative? I think it's obvious that Miguel Cabrera isn't completely recovered from his offseason surgery and until he is 100%, this offense is going to struggle. Oh well. I'm sure JD Martinez will save us all.

Currently, our hated rivals from Chicago, the White Sox, are in town. They're still in rebuilding mode, but there's enough familiar faces on the roster for us to hate without any hesitation. Let's get into it.

2014 Record So Far: 10-10

2013 Record: 63-99

2013 Record vs. Tigers: 7-12

Franchise Hero

With all due respect to legends like Luis Aparicio, Luke Appling, Nellie Fox, and Eddie Collins, when you think of greatness with the White Sox, you draw a blank because they all suck.

No...you think of The Big Hurt.
Frank Thomas is one of the most intimidating looking men ever to step into a batter's box. At 6'5, 240 pounds, he was a physical beast. Thomas is one of nine men in history with over 500 homers and a lifetime batting average over .300. He's one of only six to have 500 dingers and over 1,600 walks. He currently ranks 18th all time in homers, 22nd all time in RBI, 24th all time in slugging percentage, and 4th in sacrifice flies. The Hurt is the only man in history with over 100 sac flies to never record a sac bunt.

Check it out. We're LEARNING things today at TigerSnark. How about that...

Manager
Robin Ventura has a career managerial record of 152-181 as White Sox manager. However he's much more famous for Nolan Ryan beating the shit out of him.

In recent years, Ventura has attempted to change his image into the guy that makes more pointless pitching changes than any manager in history. But no amount of managerial ineptitude will ever make us forget Nolan's iconic headlock/noggin knocking combo. Props to our old friend Pudge for his cameo in that moment.

Top Three Current White Sox

1. Chris Sale, SP. Stands 6'6. Weighs approximately 78 pounds soaking wet. Hell of a talent, though. He's injured, so we'll miss him this series. Darn.

2. Jose Abreu, 1B. Freakishly strong Cuban that finally pushed aging Paul Konerko to the bench.

3. Dayan Viciedo, OF. Never trust a man named Diane. Dickhead kills Tigers pitching.

Other good players: SP John Danks. That's about it. Rod Allen likes Skelator Ramirez at short. Of course, Rod is a brain-dead twit.

How is THIS Guy a Major Leaguer?

If Jordan Danks was any shittier of an outfielder, he'd be on the Tigers competing for a job in left field.

Easiest Way to Anger a White Sox Fan

Breathe through your nose. Since they are incapable of it, it enrages them and they'll attempt to maim you before returning to their normal daily activities of drinking Busch Light by the case and inbreeding.

Three Reasons to Hate the White Sox

1. While Cubs fans are known for being lovable drunken losers, the White Sox fans are known for being hateful drunken psychopaths. Remember when they jumped the poor elderly Royals first base coach on the field years ago?
That was fun. In their defense, drunken White Sox fans once beat up our friend Huge outside of Comiskey many moons ago. I'd have given any of your lives to have witnessed that in person.

2. AJ Pierzynski may no longer play for the White Sox, but he will never be forgotten. What a fucker he was/is.

3. Hawk. Always Hawk.

Former Tigers on Current ChiSox Roster 

-Avisail Garcia (out for the season)

-Bench Coach Mark Parent caught for the Tigers in 1996.

-Bullpen Catcher Mark Salas caught for Detroit from 1990-1991.

Seriously, what are the odds that both Avi and Iggy would both miss 2014 after that big trade last year? Baseball is weird.

Hey! Tell Some Bad White Sox Jokes!

Okay.
-Why do all the trees in the Midwest lean towards Chicago? Because the White Sox suck that much.

-You're trapped in a room with a lion, a bear, and a White Sox fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do? Shoot the White Sox fan twice.

-Why can't the White Sox players use the internet? Because they're unable to get three W's in a row.

Hohohohohoho...this bad joke idea was stupid, wasn't it?

Season Outlook 

4th place. At least they're better than the Twins.

Maybe.

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