Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. Unless I'm too tired from work to make doodie jokes about baseball and it ends up being a day late...like today.
yesterday's frustrating loss, the Tigers dropped to 9-7 on the young
season and have scored 2 runs or less in 8 of their 16 games. Is the
propaganda machine still spinning the “SMARTBALL” narrative? I
think it's obvious that Miguel Cabrera isn't completely recovered
from his offseason surgery and until he is 100%, this offense is
going to struggle. Oh well. I'm sure JD Martinez will save us all.
our hated rivals from Chicago, the White Sox, are in town. They're
still in rebuilding mode, but there's enough familiar faces on the
roster for us to hate without any hesitation. Let's get into it.
Record So Far: 10-10
2013 Record: 63-99
2013 Record vs.
due respect to legends like Luis Aparicio, Luke Appling, Nellie Fox,
and Eddie Collins, when you think of greatness with the White Sox,
you draw a blank because they all suck.
think of The Big Hurt.
Thomas is one of the most intimidating looking men ever to step into
a batter's box. At 6'5, 240 pounds, he was a physical beast. Thomas
is one of nine men in history with over 500 homers and a lifetime
batting average over .300. He's one of only six to have 500 dingers
and over 1,600 walks. He currently ranks 18th
all time in homers, 22nd
all time in RBI, 24th
all time in slugging percentage, and 4th
in sacrifice flies. The Hurt is the only man in history with over 100
sac flies to never record a sac bunt.
out. We're LEARNING things today at TigerSnark. How about that...
Ventura has a career managerial record of 152-181 as White Sox
manager. However he's much more famous for Nolan Ryan beating the
shit out of him.
recent years, Ventura has attempted to change his image into the guy
that makes more pointless pitching changes than any manager in
history. But no amount of managerial ineptitude will ever make us
forget Nolan's iconic headlock/noggin knocking combo. Props to our
old friend Pudge for his cameo in that moment.
Three Current White Sox
Chris Sale, SP. Stands 6'6. Weighs approximately 78 pounds soaking
wet. Hell of a talent, though. He's injured, so we'll miss him this
Abreu, 1B. Freakishly strong Cuban that finally pushed aging Paul
Konerko to the bench.
Viciedo, OF. Never trust a man named Diane. Dickhead kills Tigers pitching.
good players: SP John Danks. That's about it. Rod Allen likes
Skelator Ramirez at short. Of course, Rod is a brain-dead twit.
is THIS Guy a Major Leaguer?
Jordan Danks was any shittier of an outfielder, he'd be on the Tigers
competing for a job in left field.
Way to Anger a White Sox Fan
through your nose. Since they are incapable of it, it enrages them
and they'll attempt to maim you before returning to their normal
daily activities of drinking Busch Light by the case and inbreeding.
Reasons to Hate the White Sox
While Cubs fans are known for being lovable drunken losers, the White
Sox fans are known for being hateful drunken psychopaths. Remember
when they jumped the poor elderly Royals first base coach on the
field years ago?
fun. In their defense, drunken White Sox fans once beat up our friend Huge outside of Comiskey many moons ago. I'd have given any of your
lives to have witnessed that in person.
AJ Pierzynski may no longer play for the White Sox, but he will never
be forgotten. What a fucker he was/is.
Tigers on Current ChiSox Roster
Garcia (out for the season)
Coach Mark Parent caught for the Tigers in 1996.
Catcher Mark Salas caught for Detroit from 1990-1991.
what are the odds that both Avi and Iggy would both miss 2014 after
that big trade last year? Baseball is weird.
Tell Some Bad White Sox Jokes!
all the trees in the Midwest lean towards Chicago? Because the White
Sox suck that much.
trapped in a room with a lion, a bear, and a White Sox fan. You have
a gun with two bullets. What do you do? Shoot the White Sox fan
can't the White Sox players use the internet? Because they're unable
to get three W's in a row.
bad joke idea was stupid, wasn't it?
place. At least they're better than the Twins.