Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Cleveland Indians

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

So, the Tigers go out west and it’s in the 70’s here. Tigers come home…HERE COMES MORE SNOW. Mother Nature is worse than baby AIDS.

As usual, Detroit went out to Cali and played poorly. This should surprise no one that has ever watched Tigers baseball. But they’re now home for a while and it’s the first of approximately 80 games against the Indians this season.

Do you really need me to provide reasons to hate them? I didn’t think so. But we’ll go over this for poops and giggles, anyway.

2014 Record So Far: 6-7
2013 Record: 92-70
2013 Record vs. Tigers: 4-15


Actual text I got at 7am today from my former boss that's an Indians fan:

Today is your first ASS beating of the year courtesy of the Tribe.”

4-15 against Detroit last year. I'm not sure if the man is just stupid or like the rest of Cleveland fans and didn't watch any games last year. And also stupid.
Franchise Hero

Rapid Robert Feller.

Bob Feller pitched for the Tribe from 1936-1941, went into the Navy, and then pitched for Cleveland again from 1945-1956. He appeared in 570 games, pitched 3,827 innings, won 266 games, threw 279 complete games (!), and had 2,581 strikeouts. He was a beast. Ted Williams once called Feller the fastest and best pitcher he ever competed against. You don’t get much higher praise than that.

I believe Cleveland has not had a good player since.

Terry Francona.

Tito was a coach for the Tigers in 1996, a decade before most of you jerks started watching baseball. Since then, he managed a few years in Philly, won two World Series championships as the manager in Boston, and is now running things for the Indians. He is known as a player’s manager and became a scapegoat in Boston despite leading them to their first two titles since 1918. Boston fans and media are the worst.

When not spitting tobacco juice all over dugouts, Francona can be seen grabbing a new piece of bubble gum approximately every 13 seconds in the dugout. It’s quite amusing to idiots like myself.

Top Three Current Indians

1. Jason Kipnis, 2B. He’s a talented, yet annoying player that has a last name which sounds something like a stage of gonorrhea.

I’m sorry, Mr. Davis. You have Kipnis.”

2. Justin Masterson, SP. Supremely talented sinker ball starter that’s good against everyone in baseball except for Don Kelly, for some hysterical reason. Last season, DK was 5 for 7 against Masterson with 2 HR and 6 RBI. When Masterson starts, it’s the only time I approve on Donnie Duzzitall starting for the Tigers.

3. Danny Salazer, SP. Kid throws bullets. I hope his arm explodes in Zumaya-like fashion.

Other good players: OF Michael Brantley, SS Asdrubal Cabrera, 1B Carlos Santana, SP Corey Kluber.

How is THIS Guy a Major Leaguer?

Elliot Johnson makes Danny Worth look like Manny Machado.

Easiest Ways to Anger an Indians Fan

So, so, SOOOOOO many ways. Living in Ohio, I’m an expert at pissing off Tribe fans.

1. Ask them why no one goes to their games. They get really defensive. And here we are again in 2014, and they are currently last in the AL in home attendance on the young season. They finished next-to-last in 2013 despite winning 92 games.

2. Point out how racist Chief Wahoo is. They get really pissy about that. Then they do shit like this.
Indians fans are awful creatures.

3. Mention Edgar Renteria. In 1997, the Indians were two outs away from their first World Championship since 1948. Then, Jose Mesa blew the save. Renteria had a walkoff hit in the 11th to win the Series for the Marlins. Hating Renteria may be the only thing that Tigers and Indians fans have in common.

And so many more things. The whole 1948 thing. Or the Browns being eternally shitty. Or LeBron leaving the Cavs. Or Grady Sizemore’s injuries. Or Manny, Thome, Belle, Sabathia, and every other decent young player they’ve seen come up leaving Cleveland as soon as possible. And so on. If you see a guy in a bar staring at his shoes looking pitiful while drinking endless Busch Lights and occasionally crying to himself, odds are good that he’s an Indians fan.

Three Reasons to Hate the Indians

1. “DE-TROIT’S BANK-RUPT”, CLAP, CLAP, CLAPCLAPCLAP.” Tribe fans thought they were so funny and original chanting this against the Tigers last season. You know. When they went 4-15 against the Tigers. And their team can't afford to keep any star players.
2. Kipnis. Swisher. Giambi. Ass Dribble. Brantley. There isn’t one likable guy on this roster EXCEPT FOR MY BOY RYNO! WOOOOOO!

3. Third baseman Lonnie Chisenhall has been on the verge of a “breakthrough year” for nearly as long as Rick Porcello. Indians writers and fans refer to him as “Lonnie Baseball”. Guess why this annoys me.

Former Tigers on Cleveland Roster 

-Ryan Raburn

-As mentioned earlier, Francona is an ex-Tiger coach.

-Tim Belcher and Travis Fryman are special assistants in the Indians organization. Always loved Fryman.

Hey! Tell Some Bad Indians Jokes!

-What’s the difference between a bucket of shit and an Indians fan? The bucket.

-What’s the difference between a Cleveland fan and a carp? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

-What’s the difference between a hot dog at Comerica Park and a hot dog at Progressive Field? You can buy a Comerica hot dog in October!

Oh, bad jokes are the best. Rectum…DAMN NEAR KILLED HIM.

Season Outlook 

I have them finishing third in the Central behind Detroit and Kansas City. They have some good pieces to the team, annoying as they may be. But I don’t think they have the pitching or overall talent to finish much higher than .500 this year. Last year, Lady Luck was wearing a Tribe cap. I think she died in the offseason due to advanced Kipnis. RIP.

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