Friday, April 11, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 San Diego Padres

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

Seven games into the season and the Tigers are in first place in the AL Central at 5-2. Here’s an amazing stat that you won’t find on any other site: Detroit is 5-0 in games I’ve watched so far and 0-2 in the ones I’ve missed. Based on this amazing INDISPUTABLE science, the team should start paying me immediately to put up with Rod Allen’s idiotic nonsense for every game this season. 160-2 is still possible, Tigers brass. Get on it.

Up next on the Idiotic April NL West Coast Tour is a trip to San Diego to face the Padres. Due to my complete lack of caring about the National League and their stupid style of play, I pretty much had forgotten that the Padres even existed. Have they done anything since the 1984 World Series other than fattening up Tony Gwynn to comical levels?

Let’s find some reasons to hate the Padres. First I need to find out who is on their team other than Chase Headley and Joaquin Benoit. I honestly have no idea. Thank goodness for baseball-reference.

2014 Record So Far: 3-6

2013 Record: 76-86

2013 Record vs. Tigers: Did not play.

Franchise Hero

Fat Alb…I mean Tony Gwynn is the easy choice.

Gwynn played for 20 seasons in MLB, all with the Padres. Despite his pudgy frame (especially in the later years) and having the voice of a 9 year old girl, Gwynn won eight batting titles and retired with 3,141 hits and a lifetime batting average of .338. He also won five Gold Glove awards between the years of 1986 and 1991.

He and Wade Boggs were often compared to each other during their careers for their amazing hitting abilities. Unlike Boggs, Gwynn never sold out to win a championship and stayed a Padre for life. Some admire this and others find it stupid.

Personally, I don’t care. He was a Padre. I’m still trying to get my head around the fact that I’m talking about baseball in San Diego. Whoever made the MLB schedule this season should be shot.

Manager

Bud Black is their manager? Seriously? Still? On purpose?

Black was a solid lefty starter in the 80’s, mostly for the Royals. He was the Angels pitching coach when they won the World Series in the horrific Rally Monkey year of 2002 and turned that into his managerial tenure, a job he has held since 2007. He won Manager of the Year in 2010, beating Dusty Baker by one point. This shows how useless the award is, due to Dusty Baker being possibly the worst manager ever. I wouldn’t trust him to manage a lemonade stand.

Top Three Current Padres

1. Chase Headley, 3B. Currently off to a 4 for 30 start to 2014 with zero XBH. He’s much better than that.

2. Carlos Quentin, OF. Tiger-killer formerly of the White Sox. Luckily, he’s injured. BIG SHOCK.

3. Andrew Cashner, SP. Solid young starter that I’d never heard of until now. NL baseball is the television version of NyQuil. I try to avoid it.

Other good players: RP Joaquin Benoit, OF Will Venable, RP Huston Street, RP Nick Vincent, SP Ian Kennedy.

I think every team has a good bullpen except for Detroit. Is it really that hard to assemble one? If the Padres and Royals can do it, why can’t the Tigers?

Honestly, our best bullpen options right now are Al Alburquerque and Don Kelly. This is depressing.

How is THIS Guy a Major Leaguer? 

Xavier Nady is on this team? Holy shit. I thought he died in ‘Nam.

Easiest Way to Anger a Padres Fan

I’m pretty sure no one outside of the city of San Diego is a Padres fan. I’m also pretty confident that most San Diego residents do not know that the Padres exist. So how do you upset someone that lives in the closest thing the U.S. has to a paradise city? I mean the weather is always wonderful. Beautiful people are everywhere. No one out there really gives a damn about sports, anyway. There’s so much cool stuff to do there.

Make fat jokes about Gwynn? Make wild claims that the San Diego Chicken is a Nazi sympathizer? I don’t know. I live in the constant weather misery that is Northwest Ohio/Southeast Michigan. The weather here has me so loopy that I get pissed off if I wake up five minutes before my alarm is set to go off and it ruins my day. If I lived in San Diego, this would be the happiest baseball blog ever.

“Welcome to PadreSmiles Dot Sparkles! Isn’t it a nice day, everyone! Did we win last night? I was too busy sipping pina coladas at the beach with supermodels and high-fiving a dolphin.”

Note: My vision of what Southern California is like is due to my only knowledge of it coming from horrible television and having never been west of Chicago in my lifetime.

Three Reasons to Hate the Padres

1. Seriously, fuck them and their perfect weather. It’s 64 degrees in Toledo today and everyone’s acting like a bloody miracle happened. By Tuesday, we’re scheduled to have a high in the low 40’s again. Meanwhile, if someone from San Diego went outside and it was only 64, they’d lose their goddamned mind and think the world was ending.

2. Their actual mascot is not the famous Chicken. It’s the Swinging Friar, who looks like Fred Flintstone after an unfortunate visit to the barber. He’s terrifying. I’d pay at least $15 to see Paws kick his ass. I mean, look at him.
3. They continue to issue a paycheck to Randy Smith, the most evil man ever to step foot in the city of Detroit. If I could punch any living person alive in the face, it would be Randy Smith. Well, him or Bieber. Way too close to call.

Honorary Mention: These uniforms from the 80’s. Holy hell.

Former Tigers on Current San Diego 40 Man Roster 

-Joaquin Benoit

-Cameron Maybin

Also, two coaches are ex-Tigers.

-Bullpen Coach Willie Blair

-Hitting Coach Phil Plantier

Fuck Willie Blair with a pine cone.

Oh, and as I mentioned earlier, their Farm Director is Randy Smith. The Ultimate Warrior is taken from us too soon, yet Randy Smith remains healthy and employed in Major League Baseball. Life isn’t fair.

Hey! Tell Some Bad Padres Jokes!
Okay.

-What’s the difference between a mosquito and the San Diego Padres? Eventually, even a mosquito stops sucking.

-How are the Padres like an possum? Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

-What does a Padres fan do when his team wins the World Series? Turn off MLB: The Show and go to bed.

/smashes watermelon

Tip your waitress.

Season Outlook 

They’ll be competing with the Rockies for last place in the NL West most of the year. This is not a good team. Hopefully we can make a trade at the deadline for some of their bullpen pieces, though.*

*not Huston Street, please

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