Thursday, April 3, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Baltimore Orioles

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents.

Your Tigers remain 2-0 on the young season after Thursday’s rainout. Friday, the Baltimore Orioles come to town for a three game series. After that, the Tigers head out West for a road trip against National League teams. In April. Because Bud Selig. Whatever.

Okay, what do I know about the Orioles? Adam Jones plays there! I like him. Anything else?


Hmm. Is Robbie Alomar still around? Let’s take a look.

2014 Record So Far: 1-1

2013 Record: 85-77

2013 Record vs. Tigers: 4-2

Franchise Hero
Cal Ripken! Did you know he saved baseball after the strike? It’s true! ESPN told me!

Cal was a nice guy, I guess. But the media’s obsession with “ZOMG DA STREAK” overshadowed the brilliance of another guy playing shortstop at the same time. A guy named Trammell. So eat shit, Ripken.

(Your daughter is hot.)


Buck Showalter. Buck has had management jobs in the Yankees, Rangers, and Indians organizations, as well as working for ESPN. How can he not be an insufferable asshole with that résumé? No wonder he can’t hold a job for more than four years.

Top Three Current Orioles
1. Chris Davis, 1B. Hope you enjoyed your Brady Anderson year last season, Chris. Not gonna happen again.

2. Adam Jones, CF. One of my favorite non-Tigers in the game. Love watching the guy play.

3. Manny Machado, 3B. Can he legally buy beer yet? Kid has no right being this talented, this young. Jerk.

Also good: C Matt Wieters, RP Darren O’Day, SP Chris Tillman (but not an All-Star, Jim Leyland)

How is THIS Guy a Major Leaguer?

Steve Lombardozzi, Jr. I mean, seriously? What kind of idiot would willingly trade for this clown?
Oh yeah…

Easiest Way to Anger an Orioles Fan
Point out that their hero Ripken was a selfish prick. From ’92-’98 during The Streak, he had an OPS+ above 100 in only two of the seven seasons. And in those two? 107 and 102. So SUPERHERO CAL was barely average the second half of his career, yet wouldn’t take a seat due to his pursuit of Gehrig’s record.

Ripken from ’82-’91? Amazing run. Ripken from ’92-‘-01? A shell of a ballplayer. Reality sucks. Ripken is the reason fans shouldn’t have so much of a say in All-Star voting. Because fans are stupid.

Also Ray Lewis is a murderer, not a hero. Assholes.

(I had to include this pic. A Tebow Orioles jersey. Wow.)

Three Reasons to Hate the Orioles

1. Employed Luke Scott for several seasons.

2. Signed Nelson Cruz.

3. They play “Thank God I’m a Country Boy” during the seventh inning stretch and have done so since 1975. Baltimore is as much “country” as Detroit is. Oh well. At least it’s not Journey.

Former Tigers on Current Baltimore 40 Man Roster

Steve Lombardozzi (sort of)
Delmon Young (LOL)

Hey! Tell Some Bad Orioles Jokes!

-Why did the Baltimore post office have to recall stamps? Because they had pictures of Orioles players on them and people didn’t know what side to spit on.

-How do you keep an Orioles fan from beating his wife? Dress her in Yankee pinstripes.

-What do you call 25 millionaires sitting in a dark room watching the World Series? The Baltimore Orioles.

Wocka wocka…

Season Outlook

They play in the same division as the Red Sox, Rays, and Yankees. A lot will have to go right for them to match their success from last year. But I don’t think they have the pitching to do so and Chris Davis isn’t going to be Superman again. Expect Baltimore to be around .500 and finish third or fourth in the East at best.

I mean, they signed Delmon and Ubaldo. Tommy Hunter is their closer now. They made these decisions on purpose. 

Luckily, most O's fans have already bought Nationals hats. They'll need them this year.

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