Wednesday, April 2, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Kansas City Royals

Howdy, boys and girls. Welcome to another season of Tigers baseball. Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents.

Yes, I’m a bit late for this first one. Get used to it. I’m a busy guy.

/takes third nap of the day

Up first is every sportswriter’s “potential surprise team” for the fifth straight year, the Kansas City Royals. One of these days it’ll happen, guys. Keep believing that.

2014 Record So Far: 0-1

2013 Record: 86-76

2013 Record vs. Tigers: 10-9

Franchise Hero
George Brett, Hall of Fame third baseman most famous for getting hemorrhoids and/or attempting to murder an umpire after the “Pine Tar Incident”.


Ned Yost, possibly the worst skipper in the American League, although Ron Washington is right there with him.

Top Three Current Royals

1. James Shields, SP. Will look good as the Tigers #2 starter next season.

2. Billy Butler, DH. Nicknamed “Country Breakfast” and kills Justin Verlander. What’s to like?

3. Eric Hosmer, 1B. One of Rod Allen’s not-so-secret man crushes.

Also good: RP Greg Holland, C Salvador Perez, LF Alex Gordon, SP Bruce Chen (only valid vs. Detroit)

How is THIS Guy a Major Leaguer?

Not sure yet. I’m so used to saying either Chris Getz or Jeff Francouer when it comes to the Royals, that I’m drawing a blank with this roster. Chen, maybe? I’m convinced that it’s only his illogical success against the Tigers that has kept him employed.

Easiest Way to Anger a Royals Fan
Point out that they haven’t made the playoffs since 1985, the longest playoff drought in MLB. Then tell them their BBQ sucks.

Three Reasons to Hate the Royals

1. The Tigers could have nine Hall of Famers starting against a team of Royals minor leaguers and KC would still find a way to win half the games the two teams play against each other. Annoying pricks, these Royals.

2. Despite not making the playoffs since Reagan was president, the Royals still have a more recent World Series victory than Detroit does.

3. AL Central rival. Duh. Also Jon Paul Morosi’s favorite team.

Former Tigers on Current Kansas City 40 Man Roster

Omar Infante

Hey! Tell Some Bad Royals Jokes!

-What do the Royals and lawn furniture both have in common? Each fold and end up in the cellar after Labor Day.

-How do you castrate a Royals fan? Kick his sister in the mouth.

-What’s the difference between the Detroit Tigers and the Kansas City Royals? The most recent Tigers playoff team picture isn’t in black and white.

Season Outlook

The AL Central sucks, as always. Barring any further injuries, Detroit is still the clear favorite with KC and Cleveland likely fighting for second place. With James Shields probably bolting town after this season, this is KC’s best chance to make the playoffs in the near future. They have a legit shot at a Wild Card if everything goes right.

Of course, as I said, things would have to go right for the Royals. And that just wouldn’t make any sense.

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