DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Good day, gentlemen. Thank you for being here. I think you all know my number two man in the organization, Al Avila?
DOMBROWSKI: Of course it is. Don’t be silly. Now men, as you know, we have an opening at the starting shortstop position. Some say it was foolish to trade our top outfield prospect for a light-hitting shortstop with legs made of popsicle sticks. Others say we should have at least tendered a deal to Jhonny Peralta before he took off for the Cardinals. Those people lack my vision. You see, this team will be fine. I have confidence in each of you that you can handle the job until if and when Jose is able to stand again. Any word if he’ll ever walk again, Al?
DOMBROWSKI: Whatever. I can always deal Verlander to the Pirates for Clint Barmes if I need to. Guys, let’s go down the line and I’d like each of you to tell us why you think you should be our starting shortstop. You first, Leno.
DANNY WORTH: Well, I’ve got a lot of experience driving from
Detroit and Toledo. So I’m quite familiar with the area.
Plus, my Uncle Lynn, I mean, respected veteran Detroit News columnist Lynn
Henning writes an article every couple days about how good I am, despite all
signs pointing to him being wrong. That’s got to count for something, right?
DOMBROWSKI: Sure. Also, our farm system is outstanding. I always respect
amazing opinions. Next?
ANDREW ROMINE: Um, I’m white and I try hard.
DOMBROWSKI: Excellent! You’re sure to be a fan favorite in
ROMINE: I’m not very good, though.
DOMBROWSKI: Doesn’t matter. You’ll see. How about you, Alex? Welcome to the Tigers!
ALEX GONZALEZ: Huh? You’ve gotta speak up, sonny. My hearing hasn’t been the same since I turned sixty in the winter of ’82.
DOMBROWSKI: I said WELCOME TO THE TIGERS! It must feel good to be wearing the Old English D!
GONZALEZ: No, sir. I don’t have to pee. Excuse me, young man, but you look a bit like my grandson.
WORTH: I do?
GONZALEZ: No, I don’t have to poo. Uh oh, wait…I just did.
DOMBROWSKI: My kind of team, Al. Send out a press release that the team is thrilled with our options at shortstop. Also, put in something about how Max Scherzer is a greedy shithead.
(office door gets kicked in)
FRED: Hold it right there, pal.
DOMBROWSKI: Hey! What the heck is going on here?
VELMA: We’re on to you, mister. You’re not Dave Dombrowski. Let’s see who you really are!
/rips off mask
RANDY SMITH: Hiss! Hisssssssss!
EVERYONE: RANDY SMITH!
SMITH: Indeed! Why else would Brad Ausmus be back in
FRED: We were tipped off by a man close to the real Dombrowski. He knew that if it was the real Dave Dombrowski running things here, he’d have been in camp, too.
SHAGGY: Like, yeah. And here he is.
CALE IORG: That’s right, buddy! Everyone in
Detroit knows that I was supposed to be the
shortstop of the future, guy. You messed up, friend.
SMITH: Dammit! I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids! And you, Cale. I’ll get you for this, buddy.
IORG: I’m not your buddy, guy.
VELMA: It turns out that Smith had him locked in an office in the Fox Theater basement. When he found out about the Doug Fister trade, Dombrowski had eleven consecutive heart attacks and died.
FRED: Afterward, Smith harvested all of Dombrowski’s useful organs and put them on ice in case Mr. Ilitch ever needed them.
(door explodes open)