Monday, March 24, 2014

The 2014 Roster Mystery in Detroit Gets Solved

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Good day, gentlemen. Thank you for being here. I think you all know my number two man in the organization, Al Avila?
AL AVILA: Hello. Is this eyepatch deal and dated Austin Powers reference really necessary, sir?

DOMBROWSKI: Of course it is. Don’t be silly. Now men, as you know, we have an opening at the starting shortstop position. Some say it was foolish to trade our top outfield prospect for a light-hitting shortstop with legs made of popsicle sticks. Others say we should have at least tendered a deal to Jhonny Peralta before he took off for the Cardinals. Those people lack my vision. You see, this team will be fine. I have confidence in each of you that you can handle the job until if and when Jose is able to stand again. Any word if he’ll ever walk again, Al?

AVILA: Not yet. Doubtful.

DOMBROWSKI: Whatever. I can always deal Verlander to the Pirates for Clint Barmes if I need to. Guys, let’s go down the line and I’d like each of you to tell us why you think you should be our starting shortstop. You first, Leno.

DANNY WORTH: Well, I’ve got a lot of experience driving from Detroit and Toledo. So I’m quite familiar with the area. Plus, my Uncle Lynn, I mean, respected veteran Detroit News columnist Lynn Henning writes an article every couple days about how good I am, despite all signs pointing to him being wrong. That’s got to count for something, right?

DOMBROWSKI: Sure. Also, our farm system is outstanding. I always respect Lynn’s amazing opinions. Next?
ANDREW ROMINE: Um, I’m white and I try hard.

DOMBROWSKI: Excellent! You’re sure to be a fan favorite in Detroit.

ROMINE: I’m not very good, though.

DOMBROWSKI: Doesn’t matter. You’ll see. How about you, Alex? Welcome to the Tigers!
ALEX GONZALEZ: Huh? You’ve gotta speak up, sonny. My hearing hasn’t been the same since I turned sixty in the winter of ’82.

DOMBROWSKI: I said WELCOME TO THE TIGERS! It must feel good to be wearing the Old English D!

GONZALEZ: No, sir. I don’t have to pee. Excuse me, young man, but you look a bit like my grandson.

WORTH: I do?

GONZALEZ: No, I don’t have to poo. Uh oh, wait…I just did.

DOMBROWSKI: My kind of team, Al. Send out a press release that the team is thrilled with our options at shortstop. Also, put in something about how Max Scherzer is a greedy shithead. 

(office door gets kicked in)
FRED: Hold it right there, pal.

DOMBROWSKI: Hey! What the heck is going on here?

VELMA: We’re on to you, mister. You’re not Dave Dombrowski. Let’s see who you really are!

/rips off mask
RANDY SMITH: Hiss! Hisssssssss!

EVERYONE: RANDY SMITH!

SMITH: Indeed! Why else would Brad Ausmus be back in Detroit? Hisssssss!

AVILA: Well, that does make sense. How did you kids know?

FRED: We were tipped off by a man close to the real Dombrowski. He knew that if it was the real Dave Dombrowski running things here, he’d have been in camp, too.

SHAGGY: Like, yeah. And here he is.
CALE IORG: That’s right, buddy! Everyone in Detroit knows that I was supposed to be the shortstop of the future, guy. You messed up, friend.

/farts

SMITH: Dammit! I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids! And you, Cale. I’ll get you for this, buddy.

IORG: I’m not your buddy, guy.

AVILA: Wait a minute. If Randy Smith was posing as the GM, what happened to the real Dave Dombrowski?

VELMA: It turns out that Smith had him locked in an office in the Fox Theater basement. When he found out about the Doug Fister trade, Dombrowski had eleven consecutive heart attacks and died.

FRED: Afterward, Smith harvested all of Dombrowski’s useful organs and put them on ice in case Mr. Ilitch ever needed them.

AVILA: Yes, that has been the operating procedure in case of death at Olympia Entertainment since the mid-90’s. I guess this wraps up the mystery. But who’s going to run the team now?

(door explodes open)
GARY SHEFFIELD: Someone need a GM? Sheff can GM! Sheff also started out as a shortstop! Sheff can be GM slash shortstop! Plus, Sheff’s an agent, you know. Agent Sheff’ll negotiate a deal with GM Sheff and make Sheff the highest paid shortstop in baseball! Of course, Sheff’ll be taking a ten percent cut of Sheff’s money on that deal!

SCOOBY DOO: Hee hee hee hee hee. Scoobie Doobie Dooooo!

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