Monday, March 24, 2014

The 2014 Roster Mystery in Detroit Gets Solved

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Good day, gentlemen. Thank you for being here. I think you all know my number two man in the organization, Al Avila?
AL AVILA: Hello. Is this eyepatch deal and dated Austin Powers reference really necessary, sir?

DOMBROWSKI: Of course it is. Don’t be silly. Now men, as you know, we have an opening at the starting shortstop position. Some say it was foolish to trade our top outfield prospect for a light-hitting shortstop with legs made of popsicle sticks. Others say we should have at least tendered a deal to Jhonny Peralta before he took off for the Cardinals. Those people lack my vision. You see, this team will be fine. I have confidence in each of you that you can handle the job until if and when Jose is able to stand again. Any word if he’ll ever walk again, Al?

AVILA: Not yet. Doubtful.

DOMBROWSKI: Whatever. I can always deal Verlander to the Pirates for Clint Barmes if I need to. Guys, let’s go down the line and I’d like each of you to tell us why you think you should be our starting shortstop. You first, Leno.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Dave Dombrowski Hates Me

Hello. How's everyone's day going? Me, you ask?

Le sigh.

Reaction after the jump break.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

My Early March Evening at the CoPa

When I’m not making sophomoric jokes about baseball, believe it or not, I am actually employed in the real world. I KNOW…suckers. And Tuesday afternoon I was asked by my boss if I’d be interested in attending a function that evening at Comerica Park that he couldn’t make it to. Food and drinks would be served. A tour of the park was available. ’84 Tigers champion pitcher Dave Rozema was scheduled to make an appearance. There’d be gambling of some kind. And all I’d have to do is be nice to people and try not to blurt out “f” words for a couple hours.

I said that I’d try.

I tweeted much of the evening’s activities as they happened, but I estimate that my Twitter followers consist of about 10 of you that actually read this site, 5 people that follow just to yell at me whenever I make a joke about Donnie Duzzitall, and 2900 robot porn accounts of some kind.

So here’s a quick rundown on some of the stuff I saw.

Spoiler alert: Someone bombed Comerica Park when we weren’t paying attention. (I bet it was Nick Punto.)

Monday, March 10, 2014

Detroit Tigers Offseason Review (In Happy/Grumpy Kurts)

Due to a strange combination of personal illness, depression over the weather, and my general apathy toward Spring Training, I’ve struggled to come up with much to write about this preseason. But perhaps I’ve been just making things too difficult. Let’s keep it simple today.

I’d like to quickly recap the major moves of the Tigers this offseason and give you my personal opinions on them. However, there’s a twist. You see, the lovely Melissa Heyboer from Bless You Boys has been kind enough to link my silly articles countless times in the past over at their site. So I’d like to give a friendly nod to BYB by incorporating them, in my own way, into this mini-review of the offseason.

You may have noticed that The Detroit News replaced BYB Editor Kurt Mensching’s former angry scowl photo on his weekly articles for them with a new, shiny happy Kurt photo. How nice.

For my offseason grades, we’ll be going with Happy Kurts and Grumpy Kurts. Enjoy.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Your Guide to Being a Good Tigers Fan in 2014

Today, I bring some friendly advice on how you, John or Jane Q. McTigerfan, can be a better Tigers fan and possibly a better person in the year 2014. Some of this I have covered in the past, but there’s no harm in a refresher course.

Hopefully, much of this will seem like a no-brainer to you, as Jim Leyland might say. Others may be confused about much that is written here. These people probably own a Brennan Boesch shirsey and think Hispanic players are lazier than the other guys.

Either way, take notes. Make the world a better place.