Friday, August 15, 2014

Ten Reasons Why Tigers Fans Are Not "Spoiled"

I'm kind of a jerk and I don't think it’s any secret that I'm easily annoyed by the majority of the Detroit Tigers fanbase. Any time I attend a game, the conversations of the Inge jersey wearing mouth-breathers around me leave me wanting to jump off a bridge. The comments I read on the Detroit News, mLive, or other popular news sites are often mind bogglingly stupid. Sports talk radio is an abortion. The illiterates that populate Twitter make me weep for the future of the human race. And where were all these people in the late 90’s and early 00’s when I sat in an empty stadium so many times a year while watching clowns like Felipe Lira and Shane Halter play?

Obviously I don’t mean ALL Tigers fans. I’ve been lucky to meet and connect with many intelligent people over the years. And maybe I’m a little arrogant about what I expect out of my fellow fan (know who’s on the team, hate bunting, have an IQ over 80, etc). And is my belief that any fan that participates in the wave be immediately stoned to death a little extreme? I don’t think so. But possibly, I guess.

Yet I don’t think the fanbase is spoiled, as my friend Kurt at Bless You Boys put it the other day. He’s wrong, in my humble opinion. And here are 10 reasons why.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Tigers Thoughts from A to Z

Hey, kids. Yes, I’m alive. Sorry to disappoint some of you.

I’ve been stuck in a strange place in between writer’s block and complete apathy for most of this year. You see, I don’t really care for the 2014 Detroit Tigers team and have found it hard to devote time to writing about them. Of course, I still root for them, but it's just not the same this year. Blame my job. Blame my growing disdain of the internet and the people that inhabit it. Blame the Fister trade. (Seriously, mostly blame that.)

So this is my first attempt at writing about the team in nearly two months. There’s a lot to cover. Let’s try something new and hit up 26ish topics from A-Z.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Catfight: Delmon Young vs Torii Hunter

One of 2014’s most frustrating players to watch for Tigers fans has been right fielder Torii Hunter. Torii’s a five-time All-Star and nine-time Gold Glover in his career. And he’s always been one of baseball’s more likable players. But this year, he has looked nothing like the old Torii. Instead, he looks like Old Torii. It’s like he has somehow aged a decade since the end of the 2013 season.

His defense is atrocious. I mean, it’s laughably bad. Magglio Ordonez was a statue at the end of his career in right. Ryan Raburn was a comedy of errors out there. And Brennan Boesch was a sick, bizarre combination of both. Torii is managing to outdo those three in the two and a half months we’ve seen this year. It’s sad.

And at the plate? Ugh. When Hunter arrived from the Angels last year, he seemed to be trying to hit every ball to right field. And he had success, lacing base hit after base hit the opposite way while putting up a .304/.334/.465 slash line. This year? He seems to be trying to pull everything. He does that goofy bat chuck after every swing, as if he thinks every ball is leaving the yard. And he takes walks about as often as Phil Coke throws clean innings. It hasn’t been a good combination.

It’s not surprising that Torii has been compared a lot to a former Tigers punching bag, Delmon Young, by several fans online. Bad defense? Check. No patience at the plate? Check. Embarrassingly low on-base percentage? Oh yeah.

But is the comparison fair? Has Hunter’s stock really fallen that far? Luckily, TigerSnark is here to solve this mystery with the exact science I like to call “Catfight”. Ten categories, Delmon vs Torii, and we’ll see who the better man is.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Losing My Love For the Game

The Tigers are still in first place. They have the best hitter in baseball. Detroit also arguably has the best starting rotation in the game. They’ve won their division the last couple years and are the favorites to do so again this season. They’ve had two World Series appearances in the past decade. Etc.

I’ve sat through the down years of the late 80’s, 90’s, and early 2000’s. I’ve seen many of my favorite players get injured, get older, and retire. I rooted for them throughout the nightmare that was 2003. I survived Game 163 without murdering anyone. (Barely.) I didn’t kill any hookers when they melted down against Texas or Boston in recent ALCS matchups. Etc.

And in my thirtieth year as a fan, I’m finding myself not into Detroit Tigers baseball anymore. Well, at least not like I used to be. Not even close. And no, it’s not the recent skid by the team. I’m not THAT fan. I wasn’t enjoying baseball like I’m used to when they came out of the gate winning to start the season, either. No, it started before that.

I’ve been trying to figure out why over the past few weeks. And what I’ve come up with is a combination of many factors. Here are the big three.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Huge Finally Returns to Say Dumb Things About Jim Leyland

It was fun while it lasted.

It’s been since October since possible mental patient/terrible radio personality, Bill “Huge” Simonson, has graced mLive with his unique brand of being wrong about everything concerning baseball. But like all good things, our well-deserved break has come to an end. Bill filed an article this week on why Jim Leyland was the root of all evil in Detroit baseball, while Brad Ausmus is obviously the best. It comes in at a WHOPPING 328 words so you know Bill spent a lot of time thinking about it and backing his statements up with facts.

/never-ending wanking motion

As long time readers know, I’m no Leyland lover. His in-game decisions often left me scratching my head and kicking my wall, especially when they involved Don Kelly. I’m still bitter about aspects of Game 163, Alfredo Figaro, and all the bunts with Miguel Cabrera in the on-deck circle. I certainly don’t miss his awful postgame interviews.

But I also remember the quality of baseball in Detroit pre-2006, how it changed under Leyland, and how much his players loved and respected the guy. Major Leaguers don’t act that way about a manager that’s some sort of dunce. That’s why no one in the history of the game has ever said anything nice about Bobby Valentine.

It’s been a while, kids. Put on your b.s. detectors (or Bill Simsonson detectors, if you will) and once again join me in the world of Huge.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Boston Red Sox

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season (or in some cases, one game into the first series), TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

I’ve had some people yapping at me about the lack of posts lately. I apologize that the monkey hasn’t been available to dance for your amusement as much this season. There are multiple reasons for this.

1. I’m trying to suck less at my real life job.

2. I’m trying to suck less at being a parent.

3. The Tigers have been playing well and I have little to poke fun at. But here’s one minor annoyance. Ausmus has been using Leyland Logic and using Don Kelly as a pinch hitter on occasion because LOL. From the start of 2012 to, oh, right now, Kelly is 2 for 22 as a pinch hitter. That’s a .087 batting average. He’s 11 for 62 in his career (.177/.250/.274). Stop doing that, Brad. You’re supposed to be smart.

4. The well ran dry a while ago and I should have ended this blog at the end of 2013 (if not sooner).

5. That idiot Simonson hasn’t written about the team in months.

So I’ll post when I can. Try to enjoy my last laps before this thing finally sputters out.

The Tigers entered the weekend at 24-12, good enough for a 6 game lead over Jon Heyman and Jon Paul Morosi’s Royals. They’ll spend this weekend on the road in Satan’s taint, otherwise known as Boston, for a series with the Red Sox. How nice. And after winning Game 1 of the series by the improbable score of 1-0, the Tigers are now 25-12 and have won 9 straight on the road. I’m almost certain that one of Leyland’s Tigers clubs didn’t win 9 road games all season. (I am probably just making this up.)

If any of you need a reason to hate Boston, you are a lost cause. Boston is America’s easiest sports city to hate. But that won’t stop us from this refresher course.

Monday, May 5, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Houston Astros

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

After the recent road trip, the Tigers return home with the best record in the American League at 17-9 and a 4.5 game lead in the AL Central. This is the team’s best start since 2006. And considering that Sanchez is hurt, shortstop is still an offensive black hole, the bullpen is a freak show, and Cabrera hasn’t gotten hot yet, we should be overjoyed.

I still won’t be happy until Phil Coke is unemployed and Don Kelly is duct taped to a rocket and shot into the sun.

Up next for the Tigers is the worst team in baseball, the Houston Astros. In the Killer B Days, the Astros were my favorite National League team. Today, they’re the crappy team I always forget moved to the AL West.

Robbie Ray makes his MLB debut for the Tigers tomorrow. Remember all the complaining I did about the Fister trade for Ray and friends? Tomorrow is my birthday. Well played, Tigers. Well played. Jerks.

Here’s a look at the Quad A team known as the 2014 Houston Astros.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Triumphant Return of Rogo-nac the Tremendous

I’m getting old, and many of you aren't, so let me explain the following bit. Many moons ago, a brilliant man named Johnny Carson was the host of “The Tonight Show” and one of his most famous reoccurring skits was “Carnac the Magnificent”. In it, Johnny would play Carnac, a mystic from the east that would predict answers to questions written on unseen cards in a sealed envelope. He would then open the envelope and read the question to the audience as his sidekick Ed McMahon hooted along next to him.

For example, Carnac would close his eyes, put an envelope to his forehead, and say “Touchback”. He would then rip open the envelope, pull out the card, and read “What’s the smart thing to do if a Cowboys cheerleader touches you”. He would also periodically insult Ed and the audience.  Go on Youtube and type in “Carnac” if this is still confusing to you.

It was funnier than I have made it sound and I used to do a ripoff of it at my old site entitled “Rogo-nac the Tremendous” and applied the Carnac gag to baseball and the Tigers. Only myself and maybe three other people ever understood them because most of my readers are fifteen years old.

Today, due to having nothing else worth talking about…Rogo-nac returns! And as his sidekick, he will now be joined by Rod Allen as his Ed McMahon.

Let the hilarity ensue.

Friday, April 25, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Minnesota Twins

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

Yes, eventually I'm going to post something other than these Fan Guide things. I've been busy and Huge hasn't written about the Tigers in months. So BACK OFF.

I got a call at 5am yesterday morning that one of the bars I’m district manager of was on fire. Upon arriving, I immediately voiced my suspicions that only Ian Krol, Phil Coke, or Evan Reed could start a fire that quickly. The fireman was not amused. (If you care, the damage was minimal due to the amazing job done by the Toledo Fire Department. Thanks, TFD.)

After splitting a four game set with the White Sox, our beloved 11-8 Tigers head to the frozen tundra of Minnesota for a series with the Twins. The Metrodome may be a horrid memory of the past, but hatred for the Twinkies never dies.

Here’s a look at what we’re dealing with this weekend.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Chicago White Sox

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. Unless I'm too tired from work to make doodie jokes about baseball and it ends up being a day late...like today.

After yesterday's frustrating loss, the Tigers dropped to 9-7 on the young season and have scored 2 runs or less in 8 of their 16 games. Is the propaganda machine still spinning the “SMARTBALL” narrative? I think it's obvious that Miguel Cabrera isn't completely recovered from his offseason surgery and until he is 100%, this offense is going to struggle. Oh well. I'm sure JD Martinez will save us all.

Currently, our hated rivals from Chicago, the White Sox, are in town. They're still in rebuilding mode, but there's enough familiar faces on the roster for us to hate without any hesitation. Let's get into it.

Friday, April 18, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 (Not) Los Angeles Angels

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

After a split with the hated Tribe, the Tigers are now 7-5 with a half-game lead early on over the…Twins? Yes, you can tell it’s still early. Due to the horrid Michigan weather, the Tigers have played fewer games than any team in baseball so far. Nice job, schedule making geniuses. But even after only twelve games, it’s obvious that the team has serious holes at shortstop and the bullpen. Who could have seen that coming?

/wanking motion

Justin Miller to the rescue? Sigh.

Coming to town next is the Los Angeles, California Angels of Anaheim. Longtime readers of mine know there’s no love lost between Your Party Host and Angels fans. But for a change, I’ll be an adult and try to keep things civil in this Angels/Tigers preview.

APRIL 18TH FOOLS!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Cleveland Indians

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

So, the Tigers go out west and it’s in the 70’s here. Tigers come home…HERE COMES MORE SNOW. Mother Nature is worse than baby AIDS.

As usual, Detroit went out to Cali and played poorly. This should surprise no one that has ever watched Tigers baseball. But they’re now home for a while and it’s the first of approximately 80 games against the Indians this season.

Do you really need me to provide reasons to hate them? I didn’t think so. But we’ll go over this for poops and giggles, anyway.

Friday, April 11, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 San Diego Padres

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

Seven games into the season and the Tigers are in first place in the AL Central at 5-2. Here’s an amazing stat that you won’t find on any other site: Detroit is 5-0 in games I’ve watched so far and 0-2 in the ones I’ve missed. Based on this amazing INDISPUTABLE science, the team should start paying me immediately to put up with Rod Allen’s idiotic nonsense for every game this season. 160-2 is still possible, Tigers brass. Get on it.

Up next on the Idiotic April NL West Coast Tour is a trip to San Diego to face the Padres. Due to my complete lack of caring about the National League and their stupid style of play, I pretty much had forgotten that the Padres even existed. Have they done anything since the 1984 World Series other than fattening up Tony Gwynn to comical levels?

Let’s find some reasons to hate the Padres. First I need to find out who is on their team other than Chase Headley and Joaquin Benoit. I honestly have no idea. Thank goodness for baseball-reference.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Los Angeles Dodgers

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents.

The Tigers sit at 4-1 with a 1.5 game lead in the AL Central as they head into their first road trip of the season. And it's off to Los Angeles for interleague...in April. This is stupid. We now get to watch our pitchers attempt to hit. Purists may enjoy it, but I prefer the only automatic out in the Tigers lineup being Don Kelly. It's just how I am.

The Dodgers are loaded on paper, but many of their stars have early season owies and are on the DL. Lucky us. Here's a look at the LaLa Land two game series and what to hate about them.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Baltimore Orioles

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents.

Your Tigers remain 2-0 on the young season after Thursday’s rainout. Friday, the Baltimore Orioles come to town for a three game series. After that, the Tigers head out West for a road trip against National League teams. In April. Because Bud Selig. Whatever.

Okay, what do I know about the Orioles? Adam Jones plays there! I like him. Anything else?

Um…

Hmm. Is Robbie Alomar still around? Let’s take a look.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Kansas City Royals

Howdy, boys and girls. Welcome to another season of Tigers baseball. Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents.

Yes, I’m a bit late for this first one. Get used to it. I’m a busy guy.

/takes third nap of the day

Up first is every sportswriter’s “potential surprise team” for the fifth straight year, the Kansas City Royals. One of these days it’ll happen, guys. Keep believing that.

Monday, March 24, 2014

The 2014 Roster Mystery in Detroit Gets Solved

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Good day, gentlemen. Thank you for being here. I think you all know my number two man in the organization, Al Avila?
AL AVILA: Hello. Is this eyepatch deal and dated Austin Powers reference really necessary, sir?

DOMBROWSKI: Of course it is. Don’t be silly. Now men, as you know, we have an opening at the starting shortstop position. Some say it was foolish to trade our top outfield prospect for a light-hitting shortstop with legs made of popsicle sticks. Others say we should have at least tendered a deal to Jhonny Peralta before he took off for the Cardinals. Those people lack my vision. You see, this team will be fine. I have confidence in each of you that you can handle the job until if and when Jose is able to stand again. Any word if he’ll ever walk again, Al?

AVILA: Not yet. Doubtful.

DOMBROWSKI: Whatever. I can always deal Verlander to the Pirates for Clint Barmes if I need to. Guys, let’s go down the line and I’d like each of you to tell us why you think you should be our starting shortstop. You first, Leno.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Dave Dombrowski Hates Me

Hello. How's everyone's day going? Me, you ask?

Le sigh.

Reaction after the jump break.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

My Early March Evening at the CoPa

When I’m not making sophomoric jokes about baseball, believe it or not, I am actually employed in the real world. I KNOW…suckers. And Tuesday afternoon I was asked by my boss if I’d be interested in attending a function that evening at Comerica Park that he couldn’t make it to. Food and drinks would be served. A tour of the park was available. ’84 Tigers champion pitcher Dave Rozema was scheduled to make an appearance. There’d be gambling of some kind. And all I’d have to do is be nice to people and try not to blurt out “f” words for a couple hours.

I said that I’d try.

I tweeted much of the evening’s activities as they happened, but I estimate that my Twitter followers consist of about 10 of you that actually read this site, 5 people that follow just to yell at me whenever I make a joke about Donnie Duzzitall, and 2900 robot porn accounts of some kind.

So here’s a quick rundown on some of the stuff I saw.

Spoiler alert: Someone bombed Comerica Park when we weren’t paying attention. (I bet it was Nick Punto.)

Monday, March 10, 2014

Detroit Tigers Offseason Review (In Happy/Grumpy Kurts)

Due to a strange combination of personal illness, depression over the weather, and my general apathy toward Spring Training, I’ve struggled to come up with much to write about this preseason. But perhaps I’ve been just making things too difficult. Let’s keep it simple today.

I’d like to quickly recap the major moves of the Tigers this offseason and give you my personal opinions on them. However, there’s a twist. You see, the lovely Melissa Heyboer from Bless You Boys has been kind enough to link my silly articles countless times in the past over at their site. So I’d like to give a friendly nod to BYB by incorporating them, in my own way, into this mini-review of the offseason.

You may have noticed that The Detroit News replaced BYB Editor Kurt Mensching’s former angry scowl photo on his weekly articles for them with a new, shiny happy Kurt photo. How nice.

For my offseason grades, we’ll be going with Happy Kurts and Grumpy Kurts. Enjoy.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Your Guide to Being a Good Tigers Fan in 2014

Today, I bring some friendly advice on how you, John or Jane Q. McTigerfan, can be a better Tigers fan and possibly a better person in the year 2014. Some of this I have covered in the past, but there’s no harm in a refresher course.

Hopefully, much of this will seem like a no-brainer to you, as Jim Leyland might say. Others may be confused about much that is written here. These people probably own a Brennan Boesch shirsey and think Hispanic players are lazier than the other guys.

Either way, take notes. Make the world a better place.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Meet Your 2014 Detroit Tigers

Every year I do the same stupid routine. I mope around all winter mumbling incoherently to myself about missing baseball. Then the end of February approaches and I get momentarily excited about the beginning of Spring Training only to quickly remember that Grapefruit League baseball is long, pointless, and boring. It’s the ultimate tease to the baseball nerd. I’d rather watch Jim Leyland eat spaghetti with chopsticks for three hours than watch more than ten minutes of a Spring Training game.

But with the arrival of Spring Training are the hopes and dreams of the new season. Is this finally the year for us? Can the Tigers win their first World Championship since 1984? Can Miguel Cabrera win the MVP award yet again? Is this finally the season when the decision makers for the Tigers finally realize the only way Don Kelly should be allowed into Comerica Park is if he is taking Singing Hot Dog Guy’s old job?

The 2014 campaign will begin in a little over a month. Let’s take a quick look at this year’s cast of characters in Detroit and what they have to offer.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

My 30 Years Watching the Detroit Tigers


As I have mentioned previously, the 2014 season will be my 30th as a Tigers fan. That makes me feel incredibly old typing that. GET OFF MY LAWN.

/starts to finally understand Jerry Green’s babbling

Anyway, before we move forward with what’s ahead this season, I want to reflect on the previous 29 years of Tigers baseball. So do me a favor and join me on this walk down memory lane. There were laughs, tears, anger, elation, and LOTS of beers consumed. I may have cursed once or twice along the way.

As the old saying goes, you can’t know where you’re going until you know where you’ve been. Holy crap, I’m using old sayings. I’m gonna get Alzheimer’s soon, aren’t I?

If I may be further overly dramatic for a second, as a Tigers fan I feel like I’ve been to hell and back following this stupid team. I’m sure many of you have, too.

This is my journey up to this point.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Happy HOT TAKEZ Anniversary!

Happy anniversary, everyone!

Anniversary of what, you may ask? Well, on this date three years ago, Miguel Cabrera had his infamous drunk driving arrest in Florida. For a full recap of what happened, if you somehow forgot, that’s why Al Gore invented Google.

Immediately after hearing about it, I wrote this. I urge you to check it out if you weren’t with me back then. It was more personal information that I’d normally feel comfortable sharing with strangers on the internet, but I felt I had a unique point of view on the situation and thought it was an intelligent viewpoint on Cabrera’s situation. It may also give you a better idea of what irks me in the words that follow.

Now I’m not here to remind you of this date in Miguel Cabrera’s life that I’m sure he regrets and wishes never happened. No, I’m not here to celebrate that particular anniversary.

You see, this is the anniversary of the day (and week that followed) that I took the final step in my hatred for the majority of the sports media out there. The knee-jerk opinion pieces that followed on Cabrera disgusted me and time has not healed anything. They were the final straw in my ongoing distrust and distain of the majority of the sports media out there.

Today, I want to remind you what the local and national media were saying about Cabrera on those days. HOT SPORTZ TAKES came out in full force. Most took the lazy and ignorant position that anyone that has an incident or two involving alcohol is suddenly an alcoholic. Others got even more high and mighty with their b.s. speculating that Cabrera’s career was in jeopardy and that the Tigers were enablers. Everyone went into full overreaction mode with minimal information.

I mean no one in their 20’s, especially a multi-millionaire from another country, ever does anything stupid after drinking too much, right? Nope. He must have a DISEASE.

These are my “favorites”. I’m not providing links, but if you really want to read the full versions, you can find them still with some effort. Well, most, at least. Henning’s article has been removed from the News site for some reason. Good thing I save stuff!

Anyway, here you go.

Never forget.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

TigerSnark Returns...on February 16th

Howdy, kids. How ya been? Me, you ask? Cold. Very cold. Mother Nature deserves AIDS.

It took a while, but I'm just about ready to return to making bad jokes about our favorite baseball team. Hooray for everything! It's almost time.

When will then be now?
Soon.

TigerSnark will return WITH A VENGEANCE (?) on Sunday, Feburary 16th. Why then?

You'll see. Like an elephant, I never forget. I also frequently smell of poo. Feburary 16th, everyone.

Mark your calandars! Tell your friends and neighbors! Dust off those tired, poorly-thought-out Don Kelly jokes, everyone!

Your Party Host is nearly ready for another season of Tigertown hijinks. And we have much to discuss. OH HELL, we have much to discuss.

This is my 30th season watching Tigers baseball. They last won a World Series 31 seasons ago. This is not fair. I demand satisfaction.

See you soon.