Thursday, May 30, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Baltimore Orioles



Check your milk cartons, people. You’ll probably see a picture of the Tigers offense on there. The less said about the Pirates series, the better. Rick Porcello and Doug Fister didn’t deserve that.

So we move on. Up next is a trip to Baltimore for a series with the Orioles. You may remember the O’s as the team you always forget is in the AL East. Pictured above is ex-Oriole and ex-Tiger Billy Ripken on the most famous baseball card of my childhood. Still funny.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Bill Simonson: So Bad That I (gulp) Defend ESPN



In a world of terrible people covering sports, there is no one even close to being in Bill Simonson’s league when it comes to being the absolute worst.

Three weeks ago, HUGE wrote a piece on the Red Wings so unbelievably stupid that Yahoo, Deadspin, and many other sites couldn’t resist mocking how bad it was. The next week, he did one of his mailed in columns where he covers multiple topics without saying anything of importance. (It was probably a good idea after the Wings column abortion.) Then last week, he wrapped himself in the American flag and said he cries about soldiers he has never met. This is the same sensitive guy that when working in Tulsa called Oklahoma’s black football coach at the time “Buckwheat”.

Good news, everyone! He’s back to talking about the Tigers again this week. After declaring that Michigan will be National Champs due to their recruiting class (because recruiting class grades ALWAYS translate to the field), he moves onto baseball. And he’s beating the same "no one wuvs Detroit" drum he did with his awful Red Wings article. After all, that got him national attention! That’s always good, right? Who cares if it reflects poorly on the rest of Detroit sports fans and all the attention received was negative, right? People were paying attention to Bill! Hooray! Let’s do it again, right?

Well, just read on for yourselves. Caution: lots of cursing ahead. I can't help it.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Brandon Inge Returns Home



GENE LAMONT: Word is, he’s on his way here now. Just thought you should know.
JIM LEYLAND: (grumble) (mumble) Just great. (mumble) (spits food)

LAMONT: Well, good luck with this. I’m gonna go take my pregame nap and…

/clubhouse door explodes open

Sunday, May 26, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Pittsburgh Pirates



After taking three of four games from the Twins, the Tigers sit in first place in the AL Central at 28-20. By comparison, last season’s squad was 23-25 after 28 games. The 2011 team that won 95 games was 25-23.

And ten years ago, the depressing 2003 Tigers were 12-36.

The point is, these Tigers are off to a pretty good start. I’ll feel even better once Austin Jackson is healthy and/or Garcia stats getting more playing time than Kelly. Remember when they said Avi wouldn’t be brought up to platoon? And now he’s the lesser played platoon partner of Donnie (Suxat) Baseball. LOLeyland.

But all is going well thanks to lots of games with Houston and Minnesota. Up next is another historically bad franchise of late, the Pittsburgh Pirates, who have actually played well this season.

Friday, May 24, 2013

On Jim Leyland's Decision to Bunt Last NIght

As I get ready to head off to work this morning, three thoughts keep repeating in my head.

1. I hate getting up in the morning.

2. I should have stayed in school.

3. I can't believe Jim Leyland had Torii Hunter bunt last night.

Of course, all worked out well in the end for the Tigers. Hunter moved the runner along and Prince Fielder ended up singling in the winning run. But just because something works, it doesn't make it the correct call, if that makes sense. Quickly, here's why I hate the call Leyland made last night.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Catfight: Tigers Fans vs Indians Fans



Whenever the Tigers and Indians get together for a series, the fanbases collide. It's a bitter divisional rivalry. They mock each other and each claim to be better fans. My goal today is to take a scientific, unbiased approach to see which truly is the better group. You know me. I'm practically a doctor.

Will it be the Tigers fans or the Tribe’s supporters? Tough call. Let’s have a Catfight.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Hey Dummy, Step Away from the Ledge



During Sunday’s 11-8 loss to the Rangers, many in the Tigers fanbase seemed to have a meltdown. On Twitter, I saw fans attacking each other, attacking the beat writers, dismissing half the roster as the worst major leaguers ever to play, and playing the DOOM game that seems to happen every season during a rough patch. Four different people came up to me today spouting the Panictown rhetoric. Do me and all of us that aren’t clinically insane a favor.

Stop. Now. Act like this isn’t your first season watching baseball. You’re being ridiculous.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Rod Allen Meets the New Ace Employee



ROD ALLEN: I’m at my local Ace Hardware because they have the knowledge I need and the products to support it.

ACE MANAGER: (sighs) Hello again, Rod. What can we help you with now?

ROD ALLEN: My neighbor Jack’s lawn is, without question, the most beautiful on the block. Mine isn’t. What can I do to…

ACE MANAGER: Excuse me a moment, Rod. Isn’t this like the eighth time you’ve been here in the past week?

ROD ALLEN: That’s right!

ACE MANAGER: And weren’t you here about two hours ago asking me almost the exact same question?

ROD ALLEN: Easy, Big Fella. I just want a nice lawn.

ACE MANAGER: And we’re happy to help. Unfortunately, I just don’t have time to keep answering all of your questions like this. But I’ve hired a new guy that can assist you, if that’s okay.

ROD ALLEN: That idea sounds some kind of smooth.

ACE MANAGER: Right. He even has a baseball background. I think you may know him. Hey! New guy! Come help this customer out while I go check in the new stock.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Texas Rangers



One should not go into battle with another without first knowing what they are up against. As we journey along during the 2013 baseball season, TigerSnark will take an in depth look at each opponent the Tigers will face. 

Since our last preview, the Tigers lost two of three to the Indians. Living in Ohio, as I do, I took a lot of crap from the Tribe fans that only crawl out of the woodwork around here when the team pulls off a victory over Detroit. Fair is fair, though. I dealt with their weak trolling before they slithered back off to wherever Indians fans go when they’re not being Indians fans. I assume they gather in Burger King bathrooms…I dunno.

After that, the team took three of four from the lowly Astros. We should be happy to take six of seven games from any team in a season, but I’ve got a bad taste left in my mouth over Wednesday’s game. Listen, Jimbo. I’ve defended your grumbling, crusty old ass for years. I look for logic in your decisions instead of blindly screaming every time something backfires. But your boneheaded nonsense was ridiculous and indefensible late in the game.

It’s time to face facts that Phil Coke is terrible. ESPECIALLY against anyone that happens to bat from the right side. It could be the weakest hitter in the league…a paralyzed midget, even. Phil has shown that he will turn that feeble righty into Miguel Cabrera. See the Twins series, the 9th against the Astros, and pretty much every other time he’s faced a right-handed hitter. It’s mid-May. My cat understands at this point that Coke can’t get out righties. And she’s not even that bright. It’s time for Jim Leyland to realize it, too.

I haven’t read anything from the beat writers yet, but I hope someone asked Leyland to justify pinch-hitting the beyond horrible hitting Don Kelly for Matt Tuiasosopo (who was 3-3 today) in the 9th. You know, Kelly with his OPS+ of 62 entering today for Matty with his OPS+ of 155. It is not 1975 anymore. The lefty-righty matchup is not THAT important to take out one of the few legit power hitters so ‘ol Donnie Pleaseandthanks can get a chance to scrap out one of those weak singles that people fawn over in 1.8 of every 10 of his at bats. There is no excuse.

Up next is a trip to Texas for a four game set with the Rangers, who are in first place in the AL West by six games as of this writing. Just great. Why can’t Texas finally secede from the Union so we don’t have to play these guys anymore? Also, that way, we could finally nuke Texas. Nothing good happens there. Never. I learned that as a youngster watching poor Pee Wee Herman try to find the basement at The Alamo.

So yeah…the Rangers. Here we go.

Tigers 6, Astros 2: A Night at the Park

I attended my first game of this season tonight, a contest in which the Tigers beat the Astros 6-2. Above is the view from my seat. Not bad for $25. If you want a proper recap of the game, I suggest checking out the always fantastic job done by Al Beaton at BYB right here. That's not what this is about.

No, I thought I'd share with you some personal highlights from live in the stadium tonight that I found amusing. I'll conclude with a list of annoying people I saw at the park tonight that I talked about in my previous post. Who was there???

Read on to find out!

Monday, May 13, 2013

The Most Annoying People at Comerica Park



So, I’m attending Tuesday evening’s Tigers/Astros game at Comerica Park. It’ll be my first game this season, the latest into the season I’ve gone to my first game in several years. April was cold, man. I’m only into freezing at the ballpark if it’s the playoffs.

So in my first game at the CoPa since the ALCS clinch game against the Yankees, I can’t help but think about the many folks I haven’t seen in so long. I’m sure many will be in attendance. Unfortunately.

Note: I turned 36 last week. My patience for annoying people isn’t what it used to be.

Here’s a quick rundown of these winners off the top of my head.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Cleveland Indians



One should not go into battle with another without first knowing what they are up against. As we journey along during the 2013 baseball season, TigerSnark will take an in depth look at each opponent the Tigers will face. 

What do you say we just all pretend that two game series in Washington never happened, okay? Good. Stupid NL rules…

Oh, goodie. It’s finally time for our first series of the year with our AL Central brethren, the Cleveland Indians. It is also homecoming for the reigning AL Player of the Week, Mr. Ryan Raburn. Ryno, your baseball team is awful and unlikable, but I bid you welcome. You may remember me as the only fan that didn’t boo you in Detroit. Take it easy on us.

If you were going to give the United States of America an enema, you’d stick the hose into Cleveland. This is their Tribe.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Washington Nationals

One should not go into battle with another without first knowing what they are up against. As we journey along during the 2013 baseball season, TigerSnark will take an in depth look at each opponent the Tigers will face. 

Yesterday was my birthday. Did any of you get me anything? Of course not. Ingrates. All I do for you…

Before that, the Tigers were nice enough to sweep a four game series from the Double A team posing as the Astros nowadays. Afterwards, Houston responded by releasing Rick Ankiel, the only player their fans had ever heard of. That’ll turn things around there.

Up next, oh no. NATIONAL LEAGUE RULES. We lose Victor for the two game series. We get to watch pitchers bat. How exciting. If Don Kelly bats fifth, I riot.

The Washington Nationals are the opponents. Unlike Houston, these guys are good at baseball. That’s what happens when you get top draft picks for years and keep drafting potential studs and not iffy relievers. See Rays, Tampa Bay. Do not see Tigers, Detroit.

Along with the Seattle Mariners, the Nats are one of the only two MLB franchises to never appear in the World Series. Losers.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Ten Awesome Fox Sports Detroit Programming Ideas


Fear not, Fox Sports Detroit. I am here for you. About time you asked. Geez.

/ignores stupid poll

The following is a list of ten programming ideas that could EASILY be the most entertaining things on the channel. Granted, with competition such as British soccer, watching creepy strangers play poker, and college lacrosse, it shouldn’t be that difficult of a task to come up with something to fill a few hours of programming.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Houston Astros



One should not go into battle with another without first knowing what they are up against. As we journey along during the 2013 baseball season, TigerSnark will take an in depth look at each opponent the Tigers will face. 

The Tiger swept the Braves and took the first two from the Twins before losing on Wednesday afternoon. No doubt, someone out there thinks Leyland should be fired for losing a game to the Twins. Also, Scott Diamond is Cy Young against us because baseball.

Next is a road trip to the newest team in the American League, the Houston Astros, for four games. How bad is Houston? About as bad as a team can get in 2013 outside of Miami.