Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Trading Doug Fister: The Five Stages of Grief

After my initial head explosion over the Doug Fister trade to the Nationals for Steve Lombardozzi, Ian Krol, and Robbie Ray, I decided to give it a full 24 hours before I said much more about it. I’ve gone through a full range of emotions since reading about it on Twitter last night and nearly setting fire to my neighborhood.

What I now realize is that I went through the five stages of grief in that time period. Let me outline this a bit for you right here to the best of my ability.

Stage One: Denial

No way. There is NO FUCKING WAY that this is all we got for Doug Fister! The NL version Don Kelly, a shitty LOOGY, and another lefty that MIGHT be a #3 starter in a couple years?!?
Maybe it’s a fake report. I mean, it makes no sense. They just re-signed horrible LOOGY Phil Coke and more horrible bane of my existence Don Kelly to deals.

Hey! Possibly, they’re forgetting to mention Bryce Harper’s in the deal. DD is the almighty MASTER OF ALL TRADES, right?

Maybe I just woke up from a really long dream and it is 1999 again and Randy Smith is still the GM. That would explain why Ausmus is back, after all.

Perhaps I’m in a coma and this is all my imagination and I’m like that autistic kid that dreamed up St. Elsewhere. How else do you explain Tom Brookens' stupidity as third base coach last season? That couldn't be real.

Or maybe…

Stage Two: Anger


/punts cat across the room

You’ve got to be fist-fucking me here, no pun intended. Doug Fister, by advanced metrics, has been one of the top twenty pitchers in baseball over the past three seasons. He hasn’t blinked an eye during supposed “clutch time” in the playoffs. He is reasonably cost-controlled for another two years. Pitchers that aren’t even close to Fister’s level like Scott Kazmir and Ricky Nolasco are getting outrageous contracts due to ANY competent starting pitching being at high demand right now.

And you trade him for this horseshit? Holy hell. Which Tiger’s wife did Fister hook up with? Trade that guy instead!

/apologizes to cat

/kicks her again

Stage Three: Bargaining

It can’t be that bad, right? There has to be a logical reason for this. Maybe this Ricky Bobby Robbie Ray kid is a stud and only Dombrowski is shrewd enough to realize it. Maybe EVERY NATIONAL WRITER in America is wrong and the Tigers didn’t get royally screwed here. Hey, look! Kurt’s trying to put a positive spin on this horseshit! Sure, nothing makes him happier than telling Tigers fans that they're wrong, but maybe it’s not so bad?

Or maybe it’s a salary dump so we can sign other free agents. Many people have tried saying this in the past day. Of course, this makes little sense due to Fister not making that much to begin with. Also, if you’re going to trade Fister for cheaper guys, there really weren’t DECENT cheaper guys out there?

Dave NEVER makes mistakes, right? Other than trading Infante for Jones. Or Jurrjens for Renteria. Or Ross for Colyer. Or Sizemore for Purcey. Or extending Willis before he ever threw a pitch for Detroit. Or thinking Washburn and Huff were the missing pieces. Or not offering a contract to Polanco. Or a qualifying deal to Peralta. Or giving ridiculous money to Inge, Robertson, and Bonderman. Or…

Maybe other clubs weren’t interested and only the Washington Nationals wanted one of the top ten starters in the AL. I guess that makes sense if you’re a fucking dolt.

Stage Four: Depression

Today, Keith Law said that he spoke to many executives in MLB that were shocked at the low return Dombrowski received for Fister. Some said they wish they’d have been given an opportunity to top the deal for a guy of Fister’s ability. DD hadn’t spoken to them about Doug in weeks.

/hangs self

This team is supposed to be in WIN NOW mode. Hunter and Victor are gone after next season. Max probably will be, too. Who knows about Cabrera? In two months, we’ve lost Fielder, Peralta, and Infante on offense. We’ve lost the three best pieces of a shaky bullpen to begin with in Benoit, Veras, and now Smyly moving to the rotation. And now, Fister is gone, making the starting five weaker. I like Drew, but he's no Fister quite yet.

In return, we got Kinsler and now Joe Nathan. There is a LOT to do still.

And Lombardozzi? Really? He had an OBP of .278 last year and an OPS+ of 69. The average big leaguer’s OPS+ is 100. He’s so bad, he makes Kelly look like a competent bat. But he’s a GAMER, he’s SCRAPPY, he’s BLUE COLLER, he’s GRITTY…

He’s awful. Why did they bring Donnie Duzzitall back only to then get this clown? Who did Hernan Perez piss off? Why re-sign Coke to bring in another shitty lefty reliever in Krol? At least Phil’s an entertaining guy. Krol was once suspended for making gay slurs on Twitter. Good gawd.

If DD threw in Andy Dirks and got Denard Span back with the other guys, I’d STILL hate this deal with a passion. But at least there would be someone that would contribute now.

Please, Baseball Jesus. Make this go away. I promise not to mock Donnie’s inability to hit a baseball anymore. I won’t say “fuck” constantly. I’ll even leave Huge alone when he says ignorant things about the sport he’s paid to cover. I’ll be good. Puh-leeeeze?

Bring Dougie back home.

/weeps uncontrollably

Stage Five: Acceptance

Dombrowski messed up. He should be ashamed.

Welcome, Joe Nathan. Hopefully we’ll be welcoming a Choo or a Beltran soon, too.

Sign all the free agents you want. It doesn’t change the fact that this trade was terrible for the Tigers.

They could have got so much more in return. All Dave had to do was ask, if you believe Law.

Unbelievable. But it happened.

Time to move on.

/begins choking cat

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