Thursday, December 12, 2013

This Offseason Sucks & Your Detroit Tigers Holiday Shopping Guide

Things have been quiet here lately at El Snarko de Tigres. Sorry about that. But this offseason has Your Party Host quite grumpy thus far and I haven’t really felt motivated to write much of anything. Sure, freeing the team of Prince Fielder’s immense contract and mopey face was a seemingly nice start. But since then, the team re-signed noted piles of diseased dog manure Phil Coke and Don Kelly (with raises!) and then traded favorite-o-mine Doug Fister for clones of Phil Coke and Don Kelly. Dave Dombrowski, you’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

After that, we all had visions of Shin-Soo Choo’s career OBP of .389 dancing in our heads, yet were given the lump of coal that is Rajai Davis and his OBP the past three years of .273, .309, and .312. Today, the biggest lump not yet signed by the Mets (sup, Bartolo) was dropped in our stocking in the form of Joba Chamberlain’s bloated corpse. How bad is Joba? Two Yankee fans texted me today to offer their condolences. Soulless, disgusting Yankee fans felt bad for me today. Damn you, DD (or more likely, whatever Ilitch kid has taken over for the fading Mr. I. and forced DD’s hand).

To sum up, the offense is now worse losing Fielder, Infante, and Peralta for Castellanos, Kinsler, and Iglesias. The answer in left field went from Ellsbury/Choo to “anyone but Dirks” to Dirks/Davis. The rotation is worse, subbing Smyly for Fister. The bullpen is worse switching out Veras/Smyly/Benoit for Joba/Krol/Nathan. And the bench is even somehow worse (which I didn’t think was even possible) going from Kelly/Santiago/Pena/Tui to Kelly/Lombardozzi/Holaday/Davis.


Yet everywhere I look, beat writers and delusional fans continue to ignore the obvious. “The Tigers are getting quicker and better on defense”, the Hennings of the world tell me. How nice. I’d rather have good pitching and hitting. This team is headed backwards. 2014 is potentially the last year of Max Scherzer, Victor Martinez, and Torii Hunter in Detroit. If there ever was a time to be “all-in”, it is now. But, no. Rajai Davis is supposed to be considered a quality addition.

You ever watch Family Feud and see someone give a ridiculously dumb answer? Like Creepy Uncle Joe is asked to name a color of the rainbow and he responds by saying “Brown”. Then the rest of the inbred family claps their hands saying “GOOD ANSWER” before getting strike three and letting the Royals family get the steal and the win? I feel like that right now watching the Detroit media and many fans.

Three million plus fans through the gate again this year and $25 million in extra TV revenue cash from MLB, yet we can’t afford a real left fielder or a bullpen outside of Nathan. Obviously, the Tigers need your help. The always rising prices of tickets, parking, refreshments, and merchandise obviously have not been enough. Again, they need YOUR help.

How can you help? By buying MORE useless, overpriced Tigers crap from the MLB shop! That’s how!

Let us take a look at ten such items in this abbreviated Tigers Holiday Shopping Guide! Who knows? If enough of us buy some of this junk for our loved ones this Christmas, maybe the Tigers will add another “TOP” free agent! I hear Brennan Boesch needs a job!
Item One: Detroit Tigers Cooperstown Fridge

Price: $599.99 + $60.34 shipping
Holy shit, that’s one ugly fridge! But hey, it holds up to 84 cans of beer! You’ll need approximately that much Budweiser/Leinenkugel/Turpentine to get through a game where Rod Allen tells us what a quality player Lombardozzi is while he goes 0-4 and Joba gives up a pair of late home runs to give Verlander a no-decision.

Item Two: Tigers Synthetic Leather Logo Panel

Price: $84.99 + $7.95 shipping
I have no idea what this is. I have no idea what the fuck you would use it for. But the Tigers are more than happy to take money out of your grubby, fat fingers, so pay up! You’ll find a use for it. And for your convenience, buried in the fine print, it won’t even leave the warehouse for 15-25 full business days! Happy New Year, I guess!

Item Three: Tigers Manager Office Chair

Price: $449.99 + $34.34 shipping
Now you, too, can sit in a comfortable Tigers office chair and make decisions that screw over those that have supported you over the years! Imagine leaning back in this baby and announcing to your staff that you’re laying them off for cheaper help. Maybe get comfy and play some MLB: The Show and trade one of the best starting pitchers in baseball for cheap spare parts. After, deny doing so when questioned about it. Sounds stupid, but you’re sure to be comfortable in this overpriced bad boy.

Item Four: Jose Valverde Wall Graphic

Price: $99.99 + $8.99 shipping
Holy hell, they’re still selling these? At that price? I guess it’s a nice reminder that the team did actually improve the closer position this year. Just try not to think about the fact that Joe Nathan is almost as old as the new Tigers manager. Added bonus: If you put this Valverde graphic on your door, it won’t be able to open or close or something. I’m bad at jokes…

Item Five: Detroit Tigers Quintin Berry Autographed Bat

Price: $149.99 + $8.29 shipping
Excited about the Rajai Davis signing? Me neither! But remember when we had a younger version of him that we weren’t paying $5 MILLION A SEASON FOR in Quintin Berry? THOSE WERE THE DAYS. Luckily, the MLB shop still has plenty of these available for you fans of Sir Claps-a-lot. Get ‘em now before they sell out! ***

***will never sell out

Item Six: Autographed Doug Fister Tigers Jersey

Price: $194.99 + $7.28 shipping
Imagine if you bought this a month ago for someone in your family.
Fuck you, Dave.

Item Seven: Authentic Brennan Boesch Jersey

Price: $214.99 + ? shipping
Speaking of Boesch! Hey, his jersey is still for sale here! And it’s the same price as those of the current Tigers! And somehow more expensive than the autographed Fister one. (You can get an autographed Raburn one for $124.99!) Granted, most Boesch fangirls prefer shirseys that are two sizes too small, but hey! It’s Christmas! And the Tigers need CASH! Pay up…no “doesn’t play here anymore” discounts for THIS fanbase!

Item Eight: Tigers Mickey Mouse Throw Blanket

Price: $26.99 + $6.95 shipping
Imagine a star like Mickey Mouse in the Tigers bullpen! I doubt we could afford him and would have to settle for his Venezuelan equivalent, but it’s nice to dream! This will also double as a large towel to cry into when the Tigers lose Scherzer to the Yankees in 2015. (Author’s Note: Screw Mickey Mouse. I want a Mickey Tettleton blanket.)

Item Nine: Tigers Wooden Headphone Set

Price: $99.99 + $6.95 shipping
With the 2014 Tigers shaping up to be a SCRAPPIER bunch of bunters and guys playing the game the “right way”, you’ll probably need to wind down after a heartbreaking loss with some of your favorite emo music. Now you might think you’ll look stupid wearing this headphones, but you’d…be right. Beats By LuPu…ONLY at the Tigers MLB Shop!

Item Ten: Tigers Billiard Lamp

Price: $949.99 + $80.84 shipping
This is the only thing on the planet uglier than Robinson Cano’s contract with Seattle. And almost as expensive.

And there’s SO MUCH MORE! Head on over to the Tigers MLB shop and give the team some money. They obviously need it more than we do.

In all seriousness, we’re probably still the easy favorites in the AL Central and once the playoffs arrive, anything can happen. Especially with guys like Verlander, Scherzer, and Sanchez in the rotation. It could be worse. I haven’t forgotten 1988-2005 quite yet.

But I’m not going to lie to you and say I’m happy with this team. I’m not. I don’t like the looks of where the organization is headed at all. I hope I'm wrong. I really do.

Regardless, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Unless something earth-shattering happens, I won’t be updating much until Spring approaches. Until then, I’ll sit here in the dark grumbling about the Fister trade and waiting for The Walking Dead to return. Then, finally, Spring.

Take care of yourselves, kids. Seeya around.

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