Thursday, December 12, 2013

This Offseason Sucks & Your Detroit Tigers Holiday Shopping Guide

Things have been quiet here lately at El Snarko de Tigres. Sorry about that. But this offseason has Your Party Host quite grumpy thus far and I haven’t really felt motivated to write much of anything. Sure, freeing the team of Prince Fielder’s immense contract and mopey face was a seemingly nice start. But since then, the team re-signed noted piles of diseased dog manure Phil Coke and Don Kelly (with raises!) and then traded favorite-o-mine Doug Fister for clones of Phil Coke and Don Kelly. Dave Dombrowski, you’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

After that, we all had visions of Shin-Soo Choo’s career OBP of .389 dancing in our heads, yet were given the lump of coal that is Rajai Davis and his OBP the past three years of .273, .309, and .312. Today, the biggest lump not yet signed by the Mets (sup, Bartolo) was dropped in our stocking in the form of Joba Chamberlain’s bloated corpse. How bad is Joba? Two Yankee fans texted me today to offer their condolences. Soulless, disgusting Yankee fans felt bad for me today. Damn you, DD (or more likely, whatever Ilitch kid has taken over for the fading Mr. I. and forced DD’s hand).

To sum up, the offense is now worse losing Fielder, Infante, and Peralta for Castellanos, Kinsler, and Iglesias. The answer in left field went from Ellsbury/Choo to “anyone but Dirks” to Dirks/Davis. The rotation is worse, subbing Smyly for Fister. The bullpen is worse switching out Veras/Smyly/Benoit for Joba/Krol/Nathan. And the bench is even somehow worse (which I didn’t think was even possible) going from Kelly/Santiago/Pena/Tui to Kelly/Lombardozzi/Holaday/Davis.


Yet everywhere I look, beat writers and delusional fans continue to ignore the obvious. “The Tigers are getting quicker and better on defense”, the Hennings of the world tell me. How nice. I’d rather have good pitching and hitting. This team is headed backwards. 2014 is potentially the last year of Max Scherzer, Victor Martinez, and Torii Hunter in Detroit. If there ever was a time to be “all-in”, it is now. But, no. Rajai Davis is supposed to be considered a quality addition.

You ever watch Family Feud and see someone give a ridiculously dumb answer? Like Creepy Uncle Joe is asked to name a color of the rainbow and he responds by saying “Brown”. Then the rest of the inbred family claps their hands saying “GOOD ANSWER” before getting strike three and letting the Royals family get the steal and the win? I feel like that right now watching the Detroit media and many fans.

Three million plus fans through the gate again this year and $25 million in extra TV revenue cash from MLB, yet we can’t afford a real left fielder or a bullpen outside of Nathan. Obviously, the Tigers need your help. The always rising prices of tickets, parking, refreshments, and merchandise obviously have not been enough. Again, they need YOUR help.

How can you help? By buying MORE useless, overpriced Tigers crap from the MLB shop! That’s how!

Let us take a look at ten such items in this abbreviated Tigers Holiday Shopping Guide! Who knows? If enough of us buy some of this junk for our loved ones this Christmas, maybe the Tigers will add another “TOP” free agent! I hear Brennan Boesch needs a job!

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Trading Doug Fister: The Five Stages of Grief

After my initial head explosion over the Doug Fister trade to the Nationals for Steve Lombardozzi, Ian Krol, and Robbie Ray, I decided to give it a full 24 hours before I said much more about it. I’ve gone through a full range of emotions since reading about it on Twitter last night and nearly setting fire to my neighborhood.

What I now realize is that I went through the five stages of grief in that time period. Let me outline this a bit for you right here to the best of my ability.

Monday, December 2, 2013

They did WHAT? (Updated)

Multiple people on Twitter alerted me to the big news a couple hours ago:

The Tigers have agreed to terms with Don Kelly on a one-year, $1 million contract for the 2014 MLB season.

I see. Do I like this idea?