JOHN KEATING: Greetings, everyone, from chilly Detroit in this special winter edition of Tigers Live! I’m John Keating and while the weather may be frigid, the offseason dealings of the Detroit Tigers have been RED HOT! With the addition of Brad Ausmus as the new manager, some new coaches, and the BLOCKBUSTER deal sending Prince Fielder to Texas for second baseman Ian Kinsler, you could say Christmas has come early to the fans of Detroit. Or more accurately, in the cases of Ausmus and Kinsler, perhaps a Happy Hanukkah?
(makes that annoying, creepy Keating face he does after cracking a bad joke)
KEATING: We’ll be discussing both of these big moves and what they mean for the club on this edition of Tigers Live and WHO BETTER to offer his expert opinions than our own jolly elf himself, Mister Craig Monroe.
CRAIG MONROE: (looking at wrong camera) Thanks, John. It’s a treasure to be here.
KEATING: Craig, let’s start with the departure of Jim Leyland after eight seasons. How do you see this affecting the club?
MONROE: (looking at ceiling) Well, it’s a big loss. Jim Leyland is probimently the greatest manager of all time. Guys love playing for him. They’d run through a brick hall if he wanted them to. (looks at wrong camera again) But these guys are professorals and will be ready to play once spring raining starts. But you can’t say enough about the jog Jim Leyland did while managing the Tigers. He’s a great man. (uncomfortably stares at Keating)
KEATING: Replacing the longtime skipper is ex-Tiger catcher Brad Ausmus. What do you know about Mr. Ausmus?
MONROE: (one eye closed) Well, first off, Sad Ausmus is smart guy. He has a Jive League education from Dartmouth College. You can’t be a dummy to rotund there! Now some think Ausmus is at a disvintage since he’s never managed in the Fig Leagues. (goes into weird “Macho Man” Randy Savage voice) But with a veteran groove of players and an understanding of the game and savormetrics, I think the hiring of Brad Ausmus was another genie move by Dave Domblowski. (stares at Keating again with mouth open)
KEATING: Also joining us tonight is a guy that played in two separate stints in Detroit under Jim Leyland. Joining us in the studio now is Jeremy Bonderman! How are you, Jeremy?
JEREMY BONDERMAN: MY WIENER HURTS.
KEATING: Okay. Now, Jeremy, as I mentioned, you’ve been one of Leyland’s guys in the past. Is he someone that can be easily replaced as the leader of a World Series contender?
BONDERMAN: WHO’S YOU WANT BONDO SPEAK?
KEATING: Jim Leyland. Your manager in Detroit.
BONDERMAN: I DON’T KNOW JIMBYLAND.
KEATING: Sure you do. Older fellow? Liked to sneak Marlboros in the dugout? The guy that told you when to pitch?
BONDERMAN: OHS. HIM. MUMBLESKIPPER CUSS A LOT. TELL BONDO NOT TO TOUCH WIENER ON MOUND. OR IN DUGOUT. OR IN CLUBHOUSE. OR AT KIDS HOSPITAL. SKIPPER SAY BONDO GONNA RIP IT OFF ONE DAY PLAYING WITH WIENER. MY WIENER HURTS.
MONROE: I hear ya.
KEATING: Sigh. Craig, Brad Ausmus has chosen to keep Jeff Jones and Gene Lamont on his staff while adding new faces like Omar Vizquel, Dave Clark, and Wally Joyner as coaches. Do you think this is a good move?
MONROE: (stares at wall behind him) Oh, absotively. Gene Lamont and Jeff Bones know these players and can offer a lot of inslight to the new manager. And sometimes, a new voice can help and I see Wally Joyce and Boner Vizquel being great hires. You have to credit Dave Domblowski with always knowing just the right move to bake.
KEATING: Jeremy, you’ve played for multiple managers in your career. You know, the guys that tell you when to pitch. Is it an easy process going from one skipper to another?
BONDERMAN: ALANS TRAMSELL SAID BONDO HAD BRAIN DAMAGE. MUMBLESKIPPER AGREE. BUT ALANS TRAMSELL HAD LOT OF HOLES IN HIS FACE.
KEATING: Okay. Moving along, the big news this week was Prince Fielder being sent to Texas in a surprising deal. The Tigers, though, are acquiring a quality second baseman in Ian Kinsler, as well as freeing up a decent chunk of change in payroll. Prince had a couple solid seasons in Detroit, knocking in over a hundred runs each year and making two All-Star teams. But his postseason struggles and indifferent attitude rubbed many the wrong way. C-Mo, how big of a loss is this for the Tigers?
MONROE: (faces correct camera) Oh, I think the loss will be mandible. Dave Domblowski always knows what he’s doing. (turns to wrong camera) Even without Prince, this team is still loading with talent. They still have the two-time MDP in Miguel Cabrera and the sweet swink of Victor Martinez. And Ian Kinsler is no couch with the bat, either. This team is now much impov on defense and is faster, too. You’ve got to hand it to Dave Domblowski on this one. (stares at Keating licking lips)
KEATING: And this frees up money to possibly extend Cy Young award winner Max Scherzer, doesn’t it?
MONROE: (looking under desk) Yes it doves. Now Max can get the money he is doom and maybe they now extend Miguel, too. And you can’t forget left field. I see this team making a rug at guys like Shin-Soo Poo or Jacoby Bellsby now. Whatever Dave Domblowski touches, it turns to sold!
KEATING: So, you’re saying this trade could end up a steal for Detroit?
BONDERMAN: C-MO STEAL BONDO’S BELT ONCE.
MONROE: I did not! That was, um, Chris Shelton! I’m sick of being falsely amused!
KEATING: I agree with you there. In any case, we’re out of time for this special edition of Tigers Live. Thanks to Jeremy Bonderman and Craig Monroe for joining us. The offseason has only begun! I’m sure there will be many twists and turns to come as 2013 comes to a close. Perhaps…even a new closer?
(creepy Keating face)
KEATING: Good night, everybody!
BONDERMAN: DOES BONDO’S WIENER LOOK RED TO YOUS?
KEATING: Oh, dear…we need to call a doctor...