Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Two of the Stupidest Things You Will Ever Read About the Tigers

I know I said I was going to take a few weeks off to take care of some personal things and recharge my batteries, but I just had to share a couple items I was unfortunate enough to read today. See if this stuff annoys you as much as it did me.

My complete disgust with every thought that has ever passed through whatever Bill Simonson uses instead of a brain has been well documented on this site. In his latest pile of shit at mLive, he lists all the reasons he feels the Tigers lost the ALCS. His final one is the most ridiculous, as he blames Dave Dombrowski in the following way:

The general manager made a critical mistake by not paying for a top-flight closer before the season.

The bullpen issues were there in 2012. For the Tigers to invest almost $300 million in Verlander and Sanchez, and not big money for a closer after getting swept in the World Series last year, ended up hurting this team. If the Tigers had a guy who could get people out to end games all year long, they win their division by eight games and get owner Mike Ilitch that ring.

Good idea! A top-flight closer! Why didn't anyone think of that in the offseason?

Oh yeah. Because there were ABSOLUTELY ZERO FUCKING TOP-FLIGHT CLOSERS AVAILABILE! The only guy that was close to meeting this description was Rafael Soriano. Soriano did a fine job in 2012 filling in for the Yankees while Mariano Rivera was injured. So, of course, he was looking to cash in for 2013. The Nationals gave him three years for $11 million a season. How did he respond?

3.11 ERA, 1.23 WHIP, 122 ERA+, 6.9 K/9 (down from 9.2 K/9 in 2012)

That established top-flight closer sure worked out for Washington, didn't it? By comparison, here's Joaquin Benoit's numbers in 2013.

2.01 ERA, 1.03 WHIP, 209 ERA+, 9.8 K/9

Benoit did an awesome job closing games in 2013. He was not the problem, despite the grand slam to Ortiz. Closers fuck up sometimes. Rivera, the greatest of all time, had epic meltdowns against the Red Sox in 2004 and the Diamondbacks in 2001.

You may has well criticize Dombrowski for not signing Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Because like them, this top-flight closer you say he should have signed DOES NOT FUCKING EXIST.

Also, if the Tigers had the best closer ever this year, it would not have done anything about the Indians winning 92 fucking games in 2013! For the Tigers to win the division by eight games, they'd have had to win 100 regular season games, which is three more than any other MLB team did this year.

What kind of asshole agrees to pay Huge to write these fucking insane ideas that he pulls out of his ass?

As bad as Bill is, Mitch Albom is even worse.

The Tigers were simply beaten by a faster, more defensive, more opportunistic team with a finer bullpen and — and this is important — better karma.
You didn’t realize until you got to Fenway and saw the B Strong carved into the outfield grass and hanging on the Green Monster wall, how much the Boston Marathon bombings six months ago gave unity and purpose to this team and city, kind of like the New Orleans Saints and Hurricane Katrina or the New York Yankees and 9/11.

Holy piss-fuck-shit.

This pocket-sized, miserable excuse for a writer is giving credit for the Red Sox winning to the horrible bombing tragedy the residents suffered in April. Think about this. I can't be the only one that thinks Albom should be beaten to death with a rusty tire iron for this, can I?

So Leyland making questionable bullpen moves, Prince Fielder sucking a gaggle of dicks, defensive miscues, Cabrera's destroyed groin, etc, etc, etc...

No. We're going with karma. Good gawd.

By the way, the Yankees lost the 2001 World Series to the Diamondbacks. If karma was going to help any team, it was the post-9/11 Yanks. Sadly, karma exists about as much as Simonson's mythical top-flight closer.

Stop being terrible, Detroit media. You're killing me and every Detroit fan with a brain that is left.

No comments:

Post a Comment