Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Huge Moron Says Tigers Need 6+ Complete Games to Survive Playoffs

We almost made it two glorious months without the biggest dunce on the planet that writes about the Detroit Tigers publishing one of his poorly thought out piles of trash on the team. But alas, it couldn’t go on forever.

Yes, HE’S BACK. Huge is here to enlighten us all with his thoughts on the upcoming ALDS series between Oakland and Detroit. And as the undisputed voice of reason in the online world of Tigers baseball, it is my sworn duty to combat Huge Ignorance when it rears its ugly head.

Everyone take a deep breath. And here we go…

I’m really concerned about the Detroit Tigers going into the American League division series against Oakland.

Well, of course. It wouldn’t be a Simsonson article without raising the Panictown Militia to red alert.

I wonder how a team with this starting pitching rotation and payroll could win the AL Central division by only one game.

My head is throbbing already and we’re only two sentences in.

Let me list three of the infinite responses to what Bill can’t wrap his pea-sized brain around here.

1. It is not easy to win a division by several games when the second place team wins 92 games. The Cardinals had the best record in baseball this year with 97 wins. They only won the NL Central by 3 games because Pittsburgh is also really good. How could this be difficult for anyone other than possibly an infant to understand?

2. Cleveland finished the year by winning ten in a row. At the same time, Detroit had the division wrapped up before even beginning their final series of the season. In that series, Leyland, for the most part, rested his regulars and played the backups. Don Kelly batted leadoff in the last game, for crissakes. I’m surprised Gene Lamont didn’t get an at bat.

3. For approximately the eleven billionth time, PAYROLL DOES NOT EQUAL WINS, you colossal shitbag! The Yankees had baseball’s highest payroll at $228,955,945 and only won 85 games, tied for third in the AL East. Philadelphia had MLB’s third highest payroll at $159,578,214 and finished 73-89 in fourth place in the NL East.  That was good for 23 games out of first place. Meanwhile, out of the 30 teams, Oakland, Pittsburgh, and Tampa (26th, 27th, and 28th in payroll) made the playoffs. A player's salary is based mostly on his past accomplishments, not on what he is doing currently. I’m not sure what Bill doesn’t understand about this since he brings it up in nearly every piece he does on the Tigers. I’m willing to guess it’s the “actual facts” part that throws him. Gets him every time.

Thank the baseball gods for the one run they scored against the Twins to clinch. If they hadn’t gotten it, the Tigers might have been in the wild-card game.


Listen. In Miami, the race was already over. The Tigers did not field their starters for most of the entire three game set. If they hadn’t already clinched, the starters would not have been lounging around, laughing on the bench at Brayan Pena’s imitation of Jeremy Bonderman trying to do long division (or whatever they do on the bench). They would have been playing. I think a motivated Tigers squad consisting of their actual regular players might have been to squeak out one of three against the National League’s worst team.

What makes me sad is that some inbred shit (or shits) out there read Bill’s nonsense and nod their heads along to it. “Dang Jethro, dis guy’s got a point! I’d better call in to da sports radio show and speak my mind on dis!” As of this writing, the article has 33 Facebook “likes”. Ignorance breeds more ignorance. This is why I despise Bill Simonson more than cancer in toddlers and why I continue to do these Huge Reaction pieces. If I can save one confused Tiger fan from becoming a mouth-breathing, ignorant sheep, it's all worth it.

You look at the Cleveland Indians’ payroll and stars, and it seems the Tigers should have clinched weeks ago.

Weeks ago. The Tigers should have clinched WEEKS AGO, says this fuck.

Again, the Indians won 92 games this year. And it wasn’t like Detroit helped with those 92 wins. The Tigers went 15-4 against the Tribe in 2013.

Someone explain exactly how the Tigers could/should have clinched weeks ago, other than going 140-22 this season?

This man gets paid to talk and write about sports. For God’s sake, Michigan…demand better.

Some will say it’s good to clinch late and keep your mojo going into the playoffs.
Any idiot that talks about a team “keeping its mojo into the playoffs” should be stuck repeatedly in the forehead with a pool cue. It doesn’t exist.

The Indians have that going with 10 straight wins.

You mean the same Indians that should have been out of the race WEEKS ago? Ten straight wins against the Astros, White Sox, and Twins…wow. Tampa shouldn’t even show up to the play-in game.

(Note: I tried looking up the Tigers’ Mojo Index on baseball-reference, but wasn’t able to find it. Please drop me a line if you know where they keep track of that.)

Problem here is the Tigers clinched last Wednesday, then went to Miami and stunk up the place.

Leadoff hitter: Don Kelly. That wasn’t the Tigers, Bill. That was the Detroit SeaWolves playing.

The way they’re hitting the baseball right now reminds me of watching them in the World Series last year when they were swept by the San Francisco Giants. They couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn.

It really isn’t a newsflash that Ramon Santiago, Don Kelly, and Hernan Perez can’t hit. But let’s ignore Huge’s bullshit for a moment and see how the Tigers that will ACTUALLY be playing against Oakland are hitting lately:

Tigers ACTUAL STARTERS in September 2013

Austin Jackson: .278/.307/.417
Torii Hunter: .286/.295/.407
Miguel Cabrera: .278/.395/.333
Prince Fielder: .337/.396/.537
Victor Martinez: .315/.367/.483
Andy Dirks: .261/.311/.362
Omar Infante: .319/.347/.440
Alex Avila: .343/.430/.522

Notes: I left out Jose Iglesias due to him being injured for most of September. He’s not in the lineup for his bat anyway. Also, Jhonny Peralta will probably be seeing significant playing time, but he’s been serving his suspension for naughty Flintstones vitamins.

So look at those numbers. Sure, you’d probably like to see Austin and Torii have higher on base percentages. Miggy has been crippled the past month, but with close to a week off you have to think he’s going to be as healthy as he’s going to get this season. Even near death, he’s getting on base 40% of the time. But Fielder, Martinez, Infante, and Avila are hitting better now than ever. Dirks is doing what he always does. Where is this HUGE offensive problem that Bill’s talking about?

It’s in his head because it’s all horseshit. The regulars are fine. Of course Donnie and the Backups aren’t going to score a lot of runs. The only people surprised by that probably own a Quintin Berry jersey or name their kid after Craig Monroe.

Last year, I saw how much the Tigers celebrated the American League pennant, and they couldn’t get the emotion back for the World Series after a week off.
Yes, if the Tigers had Hunter Pence clapping like a hyperactive seven year old in the dugout they’d have swept the playoffs. Has this man ever played sports?

The party after they won the division this year seemed intense beyond your normal playoff celebration.

This is a guy that regularly bashes the Tigers for not showing emotion on the field and in the dugout. When they finally do so after winning the division, he bitches about it. He is actually attempting to analyze the intensity of a celebration. Good thing Minnesota didn't have a pool to jump into. 

If the Tigers finished the season 162-0 and swept the playoffs to win the World Series, Simsonson would find a way to fucking cry about it like a colicky infant after a bee sting.

“Sure they won, but they made it look difficult! Waaaah!”

Then, they go to Florida and struggle.

SEEZEN OVAH. The C-Team lost meaningless games. DOOM.

The last three regular-season games might have meant nothing, but the back end of the bullpen, the injuries and the lack of runs have me wondering what the Tigers will do starting Friday.

Maybe they’ll show up in pads and helmets expecting a football game with the Raiders. I bet Donnie Duzzitall would be a good punter. That’s ALMOST as stupid as anything Bill’s written here.

As for the back end of the bullpen, are kidding me? Benoit, Smyly, and Veras may not be the greatest bullpen combo of all time, but it’s hardly something I’m deeply concerned about at this point. They’ve put up a 209, 178, and 133 ERA+ respectively for the Tigers this year (100 is average). Add Rick Porcello to the mix and I think the “back end” of the bullpen is looking pretty good, unless the Angels show up wearing Oakland uniforms and Kid Rick wets his pants.

Of course, if a starter gets bombed and we’re in Putkonen/Downs/Whoever territory, we’re probably already screwed that day before a relief pitch is thrown.

The only reason I have any confidence in the Tigers winning their series against the A’s is because of their spectacular starting rotation. I think they can get at least two complete games in this series and each series moving forward.

Two complete games in this series, the ALCS, and the World Series? That’s six complete games, AT LEAST, says Huge. SIX (6) (seis).
In 162 games this season, the Tigers staff threw a combined THREE complete games, none by Verlander or Scherzer who will be starting Games One and Two for the Tigers.

Think about how ridiculous, bizarre, and downright insane this statement is without throwing your computer out a window in frustration. This is the best starting rotation I’ve ever seen, but I’d be completely amazed if we see more than two complete games out of them in the entire postseason. It just doesn’t happen much anymore. This is especially true on those days when JV and Max are burning through their pitch counts like Richard Pryor does his money in Brewster’s Millions.

But there is something about Joaquin Benoit closing a playoff game that scares me,

Would you prefer Jose Valverde? Todd Jones? Or Phil Coke? Benoit and his 2.01 ERA has turned in the finest season of his twelve year career, with the exception of his lights-out 2010. He dropped his home runs allowed from 14 last year to 5 in 2013 while only throwing four fewer innings. Benoit has been outstanding this year.

and Miguel Cabrera not being healthy is another reason to cast doubt on a World Series championship parade.

I admit, I’m a little concerned about Cabrera, too. But as I’ve said repeatedly, I still think Cabrera at two-thirds strength is better than most at full power.

We should really be worrying about other things here. How many outs will Leyland give away by bunting in the coming week? Will he continue to brain fart and pinch hit Don Kelly for Jose Iglesias? Those issues are what keep me awake at night.

Again, the starting pitching is good enough to throw shutouts in three of the first four games in the A’s series,

Jesus. We need your expectations at an eight and you’ve got them at a zillion. The entire Tigers staff threw ONE complete game shutout this season (Sanchez). And has this idiot never seen how potent Oakland’s offense can be?

but you still need to score runs to win baseball games.

Thank goodness Bill was around to clear that part up. I thought a 0-0 tie went to the team with the most MOJO.

Initially, I didn’t agree with bringing Jhonny Peralta back,

Of course not. Welcoming back a player that served his penalty for the thing he did wrong over a year ago isn’t a HOT TAKE, which is required in the “idiot sports commentator” profession.

but now, I see why general manager Dave Dombrowski did it. The team needs his bat, and Dombrowski needs to get owner Mike Ilitch that ring.

No shit. Mr. I isn’t looking too hot. I’m terrified his fuckup kids are going to ruin this franchise when he goes. I have yet to hear a good thing about any of them from anyone.

A team with that starting rotation, that payroll

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck yooooooooooooooooooooooooou.

and maybe the MVP, Cy Young winner and the rookie of the year needs to finish as the best team in baseball this year.

If you think Iglesias is beating out Wil Myers for Rookie of the Year, you’re insane and probably think the Tigers are going to throw 6+ complete games in the playoffs.

If the Tigers don’t win it all, I think you’ll see major changes in Detroit.


New Third Base Coach: John Salley!

Mario’s new partner in the booth: Richard Bernstein!

New manager: Phil Garner! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

I’ll make this prediction now:

LOLZ, here we go…

If Leyland lets the Tigers starters get at least six complete games in the playoffs, they’ll win it all.

JEFF JONES: Skip, it’s the sixth and Verlander’s at 122 pitches. Want me to get Smyly up?

JIM LEYLAND: (grumble, grumble) Nah. Horseshit Huge says let’em throw 300 and we’ll win. (grumble) (spits food) No brainer. (begins crying)

If he turns to that bullpen to try and hold on in games, the Tigers won’t get past the first round with the A’s.

If only baseball were as simple as Bill Simonson’s peanut-sized thinkbox.

But I don’t think a baseball team with this much talent should have so many questions going into the playoffs.

Find me one goddamned team in MLB history that didn’t have questions heading into the playoffs. JUST ONE. Of course Bill could never do that. It would require thinking, looking up information, and/or using common fucking sense. He’d rather strap his pecker to a lit stick of dynamite than do any of that for a change.

If you’d like a more realistic, yet (hopefully) fun preview of the ALDS, please read what I wrote yesterday by clicking here.

As for Bill Simonson, we can only hope he takes another couple months off from polluting an already crowded internet full of nonsense and bullshit on the Detroit baseball team.

(We’ll never be that lucky again.)

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