Saturday, October 19, 2013

ALCS Game 6 Pregame Speech with the Worst Person in the World

(Inside visitor’s clubhouse in Boston.)
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Hello, gentlemen. Here we are again. Our backs are against the wall and it is do or die time. Now...
MAX SCHERZER: Hey, Dave, with all due respect, we know we need to win. Skip’s got us ready. No more rah-rah speeches, okay? We're gonna go out there and do our best.

DOMBROWSKI: That's great, Max. Great. But no, I'm not here to bring in some Ghost of Tigers Past today to try and motivate you guys. The time for that is done. You all have a job to do and I trust that each and every one of you are ready to do just that. But I do want all of you to meet someone today. His name is Robbie O'Reilly. I really think you should all meet this gentleman before you take the field tonight.

SCHERZER: Who the heck is that?

DOMBROWSKI: I'm glad you asked. Robbie claims to be from Boston, yet he lives in a trailer park in Seabrook, New Hampshire. He says he's a lifelong Bruins fan, yet cannot recall any game prior to the 2011 NHL Playoffs. Likewise, he says he was born a New England Patriots fan, yet any mention of a Pats player prior to Tom Brady’s first start is met with a blank stare. Robbie hates the NBA due to all the spoiled players, aka minorities, but says Larry Bird was the greatest of all time and he also owns a Brian Scalabrine Celtics jersey. He is currently collecting disability payments from a dock worker job, even though he shows no sign of injury. This has gone on for over six months. While doing so, he gets paid under the table as a dishwasher at a diner where he’s already had six complaints of sexual harassment against him and only keeps his job because he sells his manager marijuana. He is the lowest form of scum on this planet…a Red Sox fan. Come on in, Robbie!

(clubhouse door swings open)
ROBBIE: What’s up, you bunch of looz-ahs! Haha! Boy, wait til my cousin Sully and my Pawp fackin’ hear about this! This Polack tells me he wants a REAL Bawstahn fan to tell ya what we think of ya. Well, on behalf of Red Sawx Nation, here I am, ya buncha quee-ahs! Blow me!

(spits dip on floor)

ROBBIE: Look at you facks. Is that Prince Field-ah? You fat fack! Can’t wait to see ya ground out to Pedroi-ah ovah and ovah again tonight! Too bad the Tigahs can’t trade ya for that Avi Garcia kid like ya wife supposedly fackin’ did! Hahaha! No offense, right? And hey, Iggy! Too bad ya weren’t gritty enough to stay in Beantown, right? Good luck bein’ a looz-ah the resta ya life, ya Pedroi-ahh wanna-be. Is that Dahnny Kelly? I saw ya cawk on the intahnet. I ain’t no quee-ah, or nothin’, though. Anyway, you fackin’ suck. And if it isn’t Jah-ney Per-ahhlta. Fackin’ cheetah! You did steroids! (clap, clap, clapclapclap) You did steroids! (clap, clap, clapclapclap)

(spots self in mirror…flexes)

SCHERZER: Really, Dave? You brought this clown back here?

ROBBIE: Whatza mattah, goofy eyes? You afraid of me like ya afraid’a Papi? Buncha pussies, I think. Man, ya facks gotta lotta dahkies on ya club. No offense. Not a single grindah in the bunch. Bow down to Greatriot Nation! You Tigahs were lucky ta get this faah. But it’s OVAH tonight! There will NAWT be a Game Seven! You will NAWT beat Bawstahn! Fack the bunch of ya!

(grabs his balls every eight seconds)

DOMBROWSKI: Thank you, Robbie. I think that’s all they need to hear.

ROBBIE: I ain’t done, you fack. No. You just don’t geddit. Sawx Nation has had to wait SIX LONG YEE-AHS fah a championship! That’s for-EVAH to a Sawx fan! No one undah-stahnds this but us. We ah WINNAHS and you facks from your bankrupt fackin’ shithole will nevah undah-stahnd that. Cuz ya retah-ded. Ya so dumb that ya signed that TRAI-TAH Jahnny Damon! Fack him and fack you! I dunno why you even both-ah’d to show. Ya ovah-paid looz-ahs! Go Sawx! For-evah! Man, I am wicked fackin’ sweet!

(flexes in mirror again before leaving)

DOMBROWSKI: Well. There you have it.

SCHERZER: What’s the matter with you, Dave? Was that really necessary?

DOMBROWSKI: Yes. It was. You see, there are over 37,000 of those idiots JUST LIKE HIM waiting for you out there. And there are thousands upon thousands more in the surrounding area and watching at home all over the country. To be fair, not all Boston fans are like this, but the majority sadly are. Self-centered, arrogant, delusional, condescending lowlifes. They think Boston is the center of the sports universe. They’ll curse someone for cheating, yet ignore that half their roster in the past decade or two has been composed of PED abusers. A bunch of foul-mouthed, racist, entitled jerks. If you guys lose tonight or tomorrow, THEY win. I wanted you to see one of them up close, in all of his horrifying reality. Gentlemen, you aren’t just playing for yourselves and the city of Detroit. You are playing so THOSE PEOPLE do NOT get to celebrate another championship. Pardon my French, but over our dead fucking bodies! You understand?


DOMBROWSKI: Good. No more speeches. No more excuses. Max, you’ve got the ball tonight. You do what you do best. The rest of you, play smart baseball. The FOX Network wants you to lose. Major League Baseball wants you to lose. And those thousands of mouth-breathing fools are all against you. I say you collectively give Red Sox Nation the biggest middle finger since the ’86 Mets and you stick your foots up their collective asses! Now go get ‘em.

EVERYONE: Yeah! (team runs out to field)

DOMBROWSKI: Yes…go get ‘em, boys. You’re America’s only hope. (sniffs air) Wow. And I thought Oakland smelled bad…

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