Friday, September 27, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Miami Marlins

It's the final series of the regular season. Where has the time gone? We've all grown a bit older together this season. We've all had our moments where we freaked out. (Mine was when Leyland batted Kelly third that one time and I blacked out for two days before coming to, covered in someone else's blood.) There were laughs, tears, and beers. Now the end is near. Bring on the playoffs.

The final three games are against the woeful Miami Marlins. Here's your final team preview of the 2013 season.

Home City: Miami, FL

City Known For: Lebron James, lovely weather, and scantily-clad women. Also, no one speaks English there. My step-grandparents lived in the Miami area for a time. The one time I visited, both times I went into a convenience store, no one there spoke English. As a young, uncultured white male, this terrified me. I never returned. I felt like Danny Worth must have in the Tigers locker room. No wonder he never sticks around very long.

They're also known for this guy.

Home Park: Marlins Park

Field Known For: Shady public funding and the lawsuit that followed. They have that ugly home run statue in center field. There are bulletproof aquariums behind home plate. Also, they have a bobblehead museum and more dumb shit everywhere. There's endless pointless nonsense in the place to distract you from the actual baseball game. This may be for the best.

Fanbase: I'll let you know once they develop a fanbase.

Formerly: Florida Marlins

Hall of Famers (as Marlins): None. Tony Perez once managed the team, though. Also, Andre Dawson played two seasons there at the end of his career.

Five Reasons to Hate the Marlins: 

1. They have won two World Series titles since the Tigers won their last one. This is criminal.

2. Somehow used a Jedi Mind Trick on Dombrowski to make him take Dontrelle Willis and extend the guy to a ridiculous contract. Oh well...we did get Cabrera in the deal.

3. Trading nearly every player that people had heard of to Toronto for peanuts in the 2012 offseason.

4. Every time they win a championship, they dismantle the team and drive off any fans they might have finally acquired.
5. Jeffrey Loria, human cancer and the worst owner in sports.

Best Players: Giancarlo Stanton, Jose Fernandez, Steve Cischak.

Glad They’re Gone: I'm glad that Omar Infante and Anibal Sanchez are no longer with them from 2012's roster. I much prefer them where they are today.

Funniest Offseason Signing: 
Gave Juan Pierre a one-year deal to be their starting left fielder. Any team that signs Juan Pierre to anything deserves to lose 100 games.

Former Tigers: Jacob Turner, Rob Brantly, Placido Polanco, Pitching Coach Chuck Hernandez was Detroit's pitching coach from 2006-2008.

Most Annoying Marlin in History: Edgar Renteria, because fuck Edgar Renteria.

Team Strength: Stanton is their entire offense. So I'm going to say their bullpen. The Fish have five different relievers with at least 65 appearances AND an ERA+ of 121 or better. The only guy that matches that description on the Tigers is Joaquin Benoit (though Drew Smyly is close). 

How is it that the frigging Marlins have built a great pen and the Tigers can't? Mindblowing.

Team Weakness: Everyone on offense not named “Stanton” is horrible.

Stupidest Name on Roster: Koyie Hill

TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for “Koyie”: A stream of snot hanging from one's nose.

Used in a Sentence: “I vomited while Jim Leyland was being interviewed after the Tigers clinched when I saw that revolting “KOYIE” he had going on.”

Say Something Nice, Jerk: In 2005, the Tigers were reportedly interested in acquiring Dontrelle Willis (when he was still good). The Marlins turned down a deal that would have included Detroit sending them both Justin Verlander and Curtis Granderson. On behalf of the entire Detroit Tigers fanbase, allow me to say THANK YOU FOR BEING AMAZINGLY STUPID, Florida front office. Bless you forever.

2013 Probable Outlook: They're currently 59-100 and 35 games back in the NL East. I don't think they're going anywhere this season. #scouting

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