JOEY’S MOM: Hey, kiddo. Great win for you guys today. You did such a great job pitching. I’m so proud of you.
JOEY: Thanks, Mom. I had a lot of fun. Too bad we didn’t score earlier. I’m glad we won, but I didn’t get the win for us. Oh well. Can we go get ice cream? The other guys are going with their parents.
JOEY’S MOM: Of course, honey. Hop in the car and we’ll go meet them…wait. Who’s that man standing at our car?
BRIAN KENNY: Kill the win, am I right, Joey?
BRIAN KENNY: I said “kill the win”. You didn’t get the win today. Was that your fault? You only allowed one run. Yet your team didn’t score until the end to win the game. Meanwhile, you were done pitching by then and your friend Frankie got the win. Do you see why we should kill the win?
JOEY’S MOM: Excuse me, sir. I don’t know who you are, but we…
HAWK HARRELSON: I’ll tell you who he is, dad gummit. He’s a NERD that probably lives in his momma’s basement.
BRIAN KENNY: Hawk.
HAWK HARRELSON: Brian. My arch nemesis. We meet again.
JOEY: Um, who are you guys?
BRIAN KENNY: I’m Brian Kenney from the MLB Network. I’m much smarter than you.
HAWK HARRELSON: I’m Chicago White Sox analyst, Hawk Harrelson. I’m one of the good guys.
BRIAN KENNY: You’re a dinosaur.
HAWK HARRELSON: You’re a GEEK.
JOEY’S MOM: Um, gentlemen, if you don’t mind, my son and I need to…
BRIAN KENNY: What your son needs, ma’am, is an understanding on how this game works. He needs to understand what stats really tell us. He needs to know what we can learn from numbers and which stats are garbage ones. Like the win.
HAWK HARRELSON: Now, just hold on a cotton pickin’ minute. The object of the game is to win. How can that not be important?
BRIAN KENNY: What do the White Sox know about winning?
HAWK HARRELSON: Har har. All I know is what I can see with my two eyes. And I can see what guys have the will to win.
BRIAN KENNY: Here we go again. Hawk, you’re the worst.
HAWK HARRELSON: Now, you listen here. Wins. RBI’s. Batting average. These stats have been good enough for us since baseball started in this great country. You and your fancy math lovin’ friends are ruining the game.
BRIAN KENNY: No, YOU and your crusty old fossil friends are preventing this game from joining the twenty-first century. You refuse to accept what WAR can tell us about whom the best player…
HAWK HARRELSON: WAR. What is it good for? Nothin’.
BRIAN KENNY: Oh, that’s original. KILL THE WIN!
HAWK HARRELSON: WILL TO WIN!
BRIAN KENNY: KILL THE WIN!
HAWK HARRELSON: WILL TO WIN!
BRIAN KENNY: Wabbit season!
HAWK HARRELSON: Duck season!
JOEY’S MOM: Gentlemen, stop! Please. My son is only nine years old. He doesn’t care about any of this!
HAWK HARRELSON: Well, he should. If he wants to be a winner.
BRIAN KENNY: How can he WIN when it’s often out of his control?
JOEY: I don’t think I like baseball anymore. I think I’m gonna start playing football instead. No one cares about this stuff in that sport. You guys are creepy.
JOEY’S MOM: Certainly, there has to be SOMETHING we can all agree on.
HAWK HARRELSON: Hmmm.
BRIAN KENNY: Hmmm.
JOEY: Um, I know. I was watching the Tigers/Royals game on Saturday. The Detroit manager used Don Kelly as a pinch hitter late in the game for his starting shortstop who’s hitting way over .300. Don Kelly is terrible at hitting. And then, in the ninth of a 1-0 game, that manager didn’t pinch run for Prince Fielder and he got thrown out at home to end the game. Prince is fat and slow and any pinch runner would have scored to tie the game. That was even dumber. I’m only nine and I know those moves were stupid. Right?
HAWK HARRELSON: Very stupid. Leyland's crazier than a dog in a hubcap factory.
BRIAN KENNY: Agreed. Idiotic moves. Leyland’s insane.
JOEY: Yay! We all agree on something! Can we all go get ice cream now?
JOEY’S MOM: Sure we can!
BRIAN KENNY: Race you there!
HAWK HARRELSON: We gone.