Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Detroit Tiger Droppings: September '13 Edition

As I mentioned last week, I’m quite busy at work this time of year and don’t have as much time as I’d like to devote to writing doodie jokes about baseball. I’m not a big fan of articles with random thoughts thrown around, but it’s better than nothing, right?

Here are a few things rattling around my empty noggin as we head into the final weeks of the season. I apologize in advance if I come off as cranky. Because I am. And I got stung by a bee today. That didn't help things.

-Whether the Tigers win the World Series this year or not, I don’t want Jim Leyland to return next year. I do think he’s the best in the business at running a clubhouse. And I appreciate the rebirth of baseball that’s happened in Detroit since he joined the team as manager. But I can’t deal with his insanity anymore. I hate how he uses his bullpen. I can’t stand his lineups on most days. I think it is completely foolish how he proudly dismisses any information that could come from a computer or sabermetrics in general. His love affair with lefty/righty matchups despite what stats may say is ridiculous. He relies too much on small sample sizes. And I don’t like people that talk while eating.

Don Kelly is starting and hitting sixth AGAIN tonight. In no way could any rational human being defend this move as giving the team the best chance to win. Andy Dirks is average at best, but he’s much better than Kelly. We don’t even know what we have in Nick Castellanos yet and Leyland’s done his best to make sure we don’t find out this September. Matt Tuiasosopo is never going to find his early season groove again by playing once a week. But we know what we have in Kelly. We have a utility player with a decent glove and no bat. If he MUST start, then please do not have him hitting ahead of Omar Infante.

I defended Leyland for years against many of the silly criticisms I’ve heard thrown at him. Leyland does have his faults, though, and they are becoming harder and harder to ignore over time. Who is there to replace him, you may ask? Someone that can reference a pretty female more recent than Bo Derek, that’s who.

/prepares for Kelly to hit two homers tonight

-The singing hot dog man got fired. I’ve joked about him in the past, but I honestly don’t care either way. But some people are really getting worked up over this for reasons I’ll never understand. I get why some liked him. I also completely understand why he annoyed many, too. In fact, over the years I’ve had three conversations with different vendors at Comerica where I asked about him. All three vendors told me that they couldn’t stand him. So keep that in mind when you assume he was fired over the singing. Why would they do that now after all these years? I don’t know. Maybe he’s a prick. Maybe he was stealing. Maybe he questioned Leyland’s precious lineups. A lot can happen. There’s more than one side to a story.

I will say that the guy was nice to me the one time I dealt with him. I do like mustard, after all. And he follows me on Twitter. Whatever. Best of luck to him.

-Speaking of which, Allison from Bless You Boys was the person that first talked me (kicking and screaming) into getting on Twitter. I did and was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. I love the quick information and the feedback I get from so many people on there. But over time, I’ve realized it’s affecting my enjoyment of the game. I try to be careful who I follow, but at times lately it’s turning into the abortion that is the Detroit News or MLive comments sections. I'm close to turning my account into an Iron Sheik parody where I just curse out Tigers fans and make them humble.

A perfect example is the subject of Justin Verlander. He’s having a down year but it’s not like he’s morphed into Brad Penny or Dontrelle Willis in 2013. But after all he’s done for Tigers baseball, many people have turned on him without a second thought. He’s a bum. A clown. He sucks. The money went to his head. He misses Kate Upton’s, um, witty conversation.

Fuck you people. Every last one of you. Because when he gets his form back, whether it’s this year or next (and he will, he’s too good not to), you’ll be the first ones cheering for him like nothing ever happened. I sat through nearly two decades of horrible baseball in Detroit and bandwagoning, ignorant, mouth-breathing cockwallets are now overrunning the normal fans. I feel like a Red Sox fan must feel. Except I actually shower and don’t bang my cousin.

What the potty-mouthed goofball blogger is trying to tell you is…grow the fuck up. As for you normal folks, carry on. It’s a pleasure to be a fellow Tigers fan with you.

If I unfollow you on Twitter or ignore you constantly, I’m sorry. Nothing personal. I just find your opinions moronic because everyone should think the same things that I do.

-Stop asking Chris Iott about the weather. He’s going to shoot someone one of these days and with my luck, it'll be me. People have run that gag into the ground almost as much as the dude at BYB that makes his “must win” comment after every fucking article posted there.

-I hate umpires. They’re arrogant and face no consequences for their actions. But at some point, the manager of this team needs to tell Miguel Cabrera and the rest of the players to shut the fuck up and quit arguing with them. Nothing good can come of it.

-I’m done with Phil Coke. He’s like the white trash version of Brad Thomas at this point.

-If the team could find a third base coach with qualifications other than “Leyland’s BFF” or “used to play in Detroit”, that would be great. The next time Tom Brookens gets a runner thrown out by ten feet I’m going to burn down an orphanage.

-Ryan Raburn is hitting .275/.370/.580/.950 this year with 15 home runs and an OPS+ of 164. That’s higher than anyone on the Tigers except Miguel Cabrera.


But no. You booed a guy out of town that was battling multiple injuries, the death of a beloved family member, and a manager constantly playing him out of position. Well done.

I tried to defend you, Ryan. I did. But no one listens to me. They all cheer Don Kelly and Quintin Berry instead. And boo Justin Verlander.

For crissakes…

-Brayan Pena is a funny guy. He’s a great teammate. He’s hitting around sixty points higher than I expected him to. NERTS was cute for a week. That’s all good. But I don’t want him on next year’s team under any circumstances.

He’s terrible at framing pitches. He takes too long to throw the ball to second. I’m not a fan of his game calling. And he has 6 walks in 233 plate appearances this year. In comparison, Bryan Holaday has 2 in 32 plate appearances. What’s the point of keeping the young catchers around if we never give them a chance at backing up, or replacing, Alex Avila?

-The Bondo Nostalgia Tour was cute but please stop using him in games that meaning anything. Or I’m going to savagely murder one of my neighbors. The blood will be on your hands, Leyland.

-If you don’t want Jhonny Peralta on the postseason roster, than you don’t care about winning. Did he cheat? Looks like it. And he’s serving his punishment. You let the man move on with his life after he’s paid for his crime. We all make mistakes. It’s not like he stabbed someone, abused a child, or got the singing hot dog man fired. And a team with Peralta’s bat either in the lineup or off the bench is one much better than with Ramon Santiago’s. Get off your high horse. It’s baseball.

That’s all for now. Enjoy the games. IF YOU CAN.

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