Saturday, August 24, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 New York Mets

The season is winding down and the Tigers currently hold on to a six game lead in the AL Central. Injuries are mounting, though, and it remains to be seen if they can make it to the playoffs without half the team dying. Cabrera is beginning to resemble the walking dead. But the tough bastard keeps hitting...

Up next is more goofy interleague play in New York with the Mets. My apologies for completely forgetting to do this Fan’s Guide before the series began. I’m a bit of a moron.
Home City: New York City, New York (Queens)

City Known For: Queens is the eastern-most borough of New York City and the most ethnically diverse urban area in the world with over 2.2 million people, 48% of which are foreign born. The foreigners come from over a hundred nations and 138 different languages are spoken there. A young Eddie Murphy found his bride there while visiting from his home country of Zamunda in the late 80’s.
Home Park: Citi Field

Field Known For: Only in use since 2009, it replaced Shea Stadium, which was a nightmare of a ballpark. Since its opening, they have already renovated the bullpens and altered the field dimensions, as it was too much of a pitcher’s park for their tastes. I’m sure Juan Gonzalez approved of the plan.

Fanbase: Mets fans are loud, obnoxious, rude, and as smelly as their Yankee fan cousins, yet they don’t have the sense of entitlement and air of smugness that the fans from the Bronx are known for. While nine out of ten Yankee fans are named “Vinny”, the Mets supporters will have a few more “Paulies” and “Joeys” mixed in.

Formerly: New York Metropolitans

Hall of Famers (as Mets): Tom Seaver. Eleven other Hall of Famers played for the Mets, but are in wearing other uniforms.

Five Reasons to Hate the Mets: 

1. They only exist because the Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Giants moved out west and the NYC NL fans were so butt-hurt as a result of it.

2. They stole their team colors from Brooklyn (blue) and the Giants (orange). Be original.

3. In 1986, at the age of nine, I placed my first bet ever and bet my grandmother a dollar that the Red Sox would beat the Mets in the World Series. I, of course, lost. I’ve never forgotten this and remain bitter to this day.

4. The whole Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme.

5. Mr. Met is creepy.
Best Players: Matt Harvey, David Wright, Marlon Byrd

Glad They’re Gone: Luckily for us, they pitched Johan Santana until his arm fell off. Santana is 11-5 with a 2.86 ERA in 27 career games against the Tigers.

Funniest Offseason Signing: Got John Buck as the “established” bat in the RA Dickey trade with Toronto. Buck has responded by hitting .217/.288/.371 and striking out 98 times so far in 364 at bats. The Mets are paying him $6 million to do this.

Former Tigers: None! Hooray!

Most Annoying Met in History: Vince Coleman
Why Vince? When asked about Jackie Robinson, Coleman responded by saying, “I don’t know nothin’ about him. Why are you asking me about Jackie Robinson?” Later, as a Met, Vince had many winning moments in baseball history.

-Missed 215 of a possible 486 games due to injuries and suspensions

-Ignored coach’s signs on the basepaths leading to several fights with management

-Injured Dwight Gooden’s arm while swinging a golf club in the clubhouse

-Threw lit firecrackers at a group of fans waiting for autographs and injured three children, one of which was a two year old girl

Vince later ended his career in Detroit. He sucked there, too.

Team Strength: Matt Harvey is awesome. The rest of the healthy members of the team are terrible.

Team Weakness: Keeping players healthy.

Stupidest Name on Roster: Travis d’Arnaud

TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for “d’Arnaud”: A French handjob

Used in a Sentence: While in Paris, Rick Porcello was excited to receive  d’ARNAUD from a hairy teenage girl.

Say Something Nice, Jerk: I’m very appreciative of the 1962 Mets existing so the 2003 Tigers aren’t remembered as the worst team of all time. Good looking out, guys.

2013 Probable Outlook: Sadness.

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