Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Man, This 20 Games Over .500 Team Really Sucks

Hey, kids. It’s Tuesday and you know what that means. Yes, it’s time to see what Simonson is spewing at us from his dark, dank corner of mLive. And I have to tell you, I was surprised by this week’s effort.

Was it a column filled with logic and interesting points? Ha, get real. I said “surprised”, not “violently shocked into having fourteen consecutive heart attacks”. You see, I was expecting a ridiculously overblown morality piece on how PEDs are worse than 9/11 and Hitler combined. No such luck. Luckily, CBS employs a lunatic named Scott Miller that was kind enough to write that article. No, Bill had a different plan this week.

Apparently, that plan was to write a rambling, senseless piece on the success of the Detroit Tigers in which he not only contradicts himself throughout the piece, but also contradicts what he has written in the past. I’ve known for quite a while now that Bill was a terrible writer and a liar, but even I was blown away by this week’s nonsense.

Are you ready to lose thirty IQ points? Sweet. Let’s dive in.



Why are the Detroit Tigers in first place?

Oh, it’s a combination of a lot of things. Just like every baseball team that’s ever been in first place. But I’m sure you’ll try and pin it down to one single thing. Because you are a mindless, ignorant fuckstain. So, let me guess where you’re going with this.

The liberal media? Starting the BEST NINE? Possibly something to do with global warming? Don Kelly’s rally penis? Maybe…MAGIC?

Is it a team effort? Starting rotation?

Joaquin Benoit and Drew Smyly in the bullpen? Miguel Cabrera and Max Scherzer? Their top-five payroll?

(Yankees and Phillies fans frantically begin shaking their heads “NO”.)

Dave Dombrowski’s offseason and in-season moves? Jim Leyland’s managing? The farm system?

LOL…farm system. That’s adorable.

Ownership?

/checks watch

/begins tapping foot impatiently

What is the main reason the Tigers are the best team in baseball?

For the love of Kaline, stop adding to your word count and SPIT IT OUT!

I think it’s Dombrowski.

Fuck. Thank you. So it is the sixth thing you brought up out of nine. Why did you keep going on, then? Or why didn’t you just end it with Dombrowski instead of putting him in the middle? Good lord.

Let me redo it for you in the style of an author that doesn’t have brain damage. Also, I’m going to take out the “team effort” and “payroll” ones because I would never write as if my audience is a group of six year olds with learning disabilities.

Why are the Tigers in first place? Is it the starting pitching? Is it Joaquin Benoit and Drew Smyly out of the bullpen? Perhaps it’s the amazing efforts of Miguel Cabrera and Max Scherzer. Is it Jim Leyland or Mike Ilitch? Or is it the farm syste…..BWAA, HAHAHAHAAHAHA…sorry. I tried with that one. No, dear readers, while all of these factors (other than the farm system) have played a big part in the team’s success, I believe that the main reason this Detroit team is leading the AL Central is due to their General Manager, Dave Dombrowski.

See? That’s wasn’t too hard. Do that next time.

Also, you’re full of shit. Just a month ago, Huge penned a column that I played with in which he pissed and moaned about Dombrowski’s job this year. He complained about the big contracts DD has given out. He cried about DD not acquiring a “proven” closer. He shook his fist at the sky over Dave not providing the team with a quality bench in the entire time he’s been the GM. He then bitched about who was on the team and who was still in the minors. And then, Fuckwad said the team needed a new DH because Victor Martinez wasn’t the man for the job. He said all of this A MONTH AGO. Now, Dave’s the reason the team is in first place.

Bill, do us all a favor. Stop. Please, just stop writing about baseball. Take a look in the mirror and realize what an embarrassment you are. I would feel sorry for you if I didn’t hate the criminally stupid so much.

The guy is the best executive in baseball. He doesn’t get enough credit for what he has done with this franchise. On its own, delivering Cabrera to the Tigers should get Dombrowski into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

I agree 100% with praising DD for the job he’s done in Detroit. I will never forget the Randy Smith years and the job Dombrowski has done leading the team out of the pits of hell.

But sending him to the Hall of Fame solely because the Marlins are owned and run by cheap, clueless dipshits seems a bit over-the-top to me.

Dombrowski’s signing of Prince Fielder seemed big at the time the move was made. Fielder did protect Cabrera a ton in Cabrera’s run to the Triple Crown last season.

The Prince signing was a Mike Ilitch move. Not Dombrowski. I thought everyone knew this.

The lack of power and production from Fielder the past six weeks

Make that twelve weeks (and counting), dummy.

are stunning for a player the Tigers are paying more than $200 million.

So…

Overlooking the fact that signing Prince wasn’t actually DD’s idea, are you praising Dave for giving a ton of money to a guy not producing? This doesn’t make sense in the middle of your sudden Dave-Love-Fest.

The signing of Torii Hunter was huge. Dombrowski’s trades for Cabrera, Scherzer, Austin Jackson, Omar Infante, Doug Fister, Anibal Sanchez, Jose Veras and Jose Iglesisas are the foundation for a potential World Series champion from this point forward.

Okay, we’re back on track…

Outside of the acquisitions of Edgar Renteria, Aubrey Huff and Jarrod Washburn, and not getting a veteran closer this past winter, Dombrowski has been brilliant.

1. True, Renteria didn’t work out like anyone in Detroit hoped. But the Tigers gave up a pitcher in Jair Jurrjens that, despite early success, flamed out quickly in Atlanta (and is now back in their system) and an outfielder named Gorkys Hernandez that has done nothing but bounce around four organizations in the past six years. There was no real harm done in the trade.

2. Huff was acquired for Brett Jacobson, who never sniffed the majors. Huff disappointed in Detroit before becoming an MVP candidate the next season for the Giants. I fail to see how you can blame DD for Huff not producing in the couple months he spent in Detroit. And again, no harm, no foul.

3. Washburn sucked in Detroit, but only cost the team Luke French and Mauricio Robles. Who? Exactly. There isn’t a GM in the game that wouldn’t have made the same trade, considering how Washburn had performed up until then in Seattle. And like the others mentioned, the trade did not cost the Tigers anything.

4. What veteran closer did you want? The only one on the market was Rafael Soriano, which Washington severely overpaid for him to have his second worst season since 2006 thus far. And they owe him another $11 million for next year. It took a while, but I’m quite happy with Joaquin Benoit closing games. Especially over VETERAN PROVEN CLOSER Soriano.

If you wanted a list of Dombrowski Tiger trades that sucked, we would have accepted Tom Farmer and Jason Frasor for Hiram Bocachica, Cody Ross for Steve Colyer, Kyle Farnsworth for Ramon Colon and Zach Miner, or Omar Infante for Jacques Jones. But thank you for playing, anyway.

Building the farm system with quality drafts also gave him the trading pieces to build the best team in baseball in 2013.

/laugh track

Quality drafts. That’s hysterical. Bill made a funny.

The Tigers are where they are today because of what Dombrowski has done with the talent pool.

I love Dombrowski. Glad you came around in the past month, Bill.

I'll see you all in...oh…we’re not close to done? Shit.

What about those who think Leyland’s managing skills are a huge reason the Tigers are a championship contender?

I’ll argue with those Leyland lovers who profess to me how important he is to this team. I don’t buy it — never will.

/wanking motion

I disagree with a lot of Leyland’s methods, especially the bunting and anything involving Don Kelly seeing the field before the ninth inning. But the guys on the team, be they superstars or role players, love him and would run though a brick wall for the man. He’s doing something right.

Great managers are guys who get the most out of lesser talent. Leyland never has been handed a bad roster by Dombrowski to start any season.

How soon we forget the putrid pitching staff of the 2008 Detroit Tigers.

I know the closer issue to start the season was on the front office,
Who did you want? Did Dombrowski turn down Craig Kimbrel for Ramon Santiago when I wasn’t looking? Did Mariano Rivera want his swan song to be in a Tigers uniform, but Dave said no? The only guy out there was Soriano and I’m extremely thankful that our General Manager didn’t overpay for that overrated pile of shit.

but Leyland has a top-five payroll filled with some of the biggest names in baseball.

Excuse me.

/takes a walk around the block muttering to self

Okay, I’m back.

Bill is obsessed with payroll and big names. As if this is all it takes to guarantee meaningful games in October. This is fucking stupid, otherwise the Yankees, Angels, Giants, and Phillies wouldn’t be dumpster fires right now. We go through this every week, it seems. I find it hard to believe that someone paid to talk and write about sports can be this goddamn stupid...
Strike that last statement.

He always has had more talent than any team he has managed against in the regular season or playoffs. Even with rock star baseball names every year, he still hasn’t delivered that World Series trophy.

My head is killing me. Enjoy this video while I take another moment to compose myself.

There. That video is the equivalent to a Bill Simonson take on baseball.

I still think a circus monkey managing the Tigers right now would have at least double the three-game lead Leyland had entering the Cleveland series based on the way games were poorly managed the first two months of the season. (The Tigers' lead grew to four games after Monday's win).

Oh. So the team should have a six game lead (3x2=6). A month ago, Bill said they should have a ten game lead. He repeated this ten game nonsense in his July 16th column of bullshit. Since then, the Tigers are 13-3. So by going 13-3, the Tigers’ lead in the AL Central should have shrunk by four games in Bill’s mind.

Math is fun.

I know! Let’s let the circus monkey write your column for a month! See how many people notice the difference!

I’ll set the over/under at two.

I’ll actually give Leyland credit that June and July were pretty smooth from the dugout.

Awesome. That’s a load off Leyland’s mind, I’ll bet.

The only problem I’ve had in August so far watching Leyland manage a game was when he hit Don Kelly third in Sunday’s game against the Chicago White Sox. Kelly batting third is a joke.

Holy hell and hallelujah! We finally agree on something! Bill, this could be the start of a beautiful frien…

Leyland’s love affair with bench players and bad arms in the bullpen is why we’ve had pennant races as close as we have the past two years with teams the Tigers should finish off by August.

Never mind. You’re back to being simple-minded and childish again.

So the Tigers not winning the Central by forty games is not because of other teams playing well, untimely injuries, or players getting into slumps. It’s because Jim Leyland wants to tongue-kiss Don Kelly’s bat and make sweet love to Phil Coke’s arm. Gotcha.

Pssst. Bill. Do you know who puts the bench players and bullpen arms onto the Tigers roster? Dave Dombrowski, future Hall of Famer. Make up your mind.

That takes me to where we’re at right now. How can the Tigers have the career years in progress from Cabrera and Scherzer, the best starting rotation in baseball, their top-five payroll and some of the biggest names in baseball and still be in a dogfight for first place with the Cleveland Indians?

/raises hand

Me! Me! Pick me! I’ll give you a dozen logical reasons off the top of my head. Pay attention, dick.

1. A top-five payroll does not guarantee you a winning team. We’ve covered this ad nauseam.

2. Ditto with big names. Go fuck yourself.

3. Austin Jackson has been hurt and has yet to find his stroke at the plate.

4. Justin Verlander is still struggling with his release point and has yet to pitch like he’s capable.

5. Prince Fielder hasn’t hit for shit since the end of April.

6. Alex Avila is just now flirting with the Mendoza line.

7. Andy Dirks has sucked balls at the plate all season.

8. Omar Infante has been out for over a month since the attempted murder in Toronto on July 3.

9. Everyone in the bullpen outside of Benoit and Smyly severely underperformed from their past numbers for the majority of the season.

10. Anibal Sanchez spent time on the disabled list forcing the team to start whatever a Jose Alvarez is for four games.

11. Torii Hunter needs every third game off because he is old and made of pine needles and toothpicks.

12. THE FUCKING INDIANS ARE 62-50, YOU INSUFFERABLE SHITSTAIN! They are 59-40 against teams that are NOT the Tigers! If they keep winning every game they don’t play against the Tigers, they will not fade back into the standings! How does (I assume) a functioning adult NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND THIS???

I still think the Tigers are winning on pure talent.

Oh. They have talent. I thought they only won because you like their GM, in spite of their mean, old manager that wants to butt-fuck Jose Valverde and Ramon Santiago.

If Scherzer isn’t having this historic year, the Tigers aren’t even in first place right now. That tells you a lot about the Tigers.

If the Tigers’ best pitcher wasn’t so good, they wouldn’t be as good. Genius.

Leyland and the veteran leadership need to grind like every game matters.

YEAH! They need to GRIND! Be more SCRAPPY! Grrrrrr!

“What Would Eckstein Do?” should be the new motto of the 2013 Tigers!

I think Cleveland has a better manager in Terry Francona

The man brought the Red Sox two World Series titles after 86 years of epic facepalming. And they still let him walk because he lost control of the team and the trust of ownership. Can you imagine Jim Leyland losing control of the Tigers clubhouse? Fuck no.

and veteran leadership that has the ear of the team.

Like who? Giambi? Swisher? Those are the only two “veteran leaders’ I see on the club. What leadership skills do they possess that will put the Tribe over the top? Giambi’s a proven liar and Swisher’s contribution of occasionally “Icing a bro” is about as helpful in winning a division as that of Chris Perez’s drug-addicted dog.

The question is, will that be enough to take the divisional race into September?

Yeah. It won’t be about who the better team is. It’ll be about Terry Francona chomping on his endless jug of bubble gum and Jason Giambi saying “You can do it, Asdrubal” in between sips of Ensure.

This series going on now with the Tribe will tell us all a lot of about both teams.

The Tigers are 10-3 against Cleveland this year, and 9-3 before this series. But no, NOW is when we’ll learn about these teams. Because…um…

/crickets chirping

The Tigers have responded when needed against Cleveland this year. I’m stunned we still are talking about the Tigers in a pennant race with the year the starting pitchers are having and the hitters in that everyday lineup.

Yeah, those hitters. That have slumped or been hurt all year, outside of Cabrera and Hunter. I bet Bill’s watched approximately four innings all season. No one can possibly be this clueless.

The Tigers are twenty games over .500 on August 6th despite everything that has gone wrong this season. FUCKING FAILURES. FIRE LEYLAND!

It ain’t over until it’s over.

And thank you, Jeebus…this column is finally over.

Can you imagine being trapped in an elevator with Simonson and the subject of baseball coming up? I’d be praying for death within twenty seconds.

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