Thursday, August 15, 2013

A Test: Are You a Good Detroit Tigers Fan?



The following is a test to see if you deserve to be a fan of my favorite baseball team. I care little if you think this is fair or not. You are to go through this exam from beginning to end, no skipping ahead, with no breaks, and no looking ahead for the correct answers. This is important stuff and no tomfoolery will be tolerated in my classroom.

None of these questions should be difficult if you are a real Detroit Tigers fan and a decent person. With the team’s recent success, there are just too many bandwagon morons running around that are interfering with the enjoyment of the game for myself and other real fans. The frauds must be weeded out and it is my sacred duty to do so.

If you fail this test, I demand that you no longer support the Tigers. You are never to step foot in Comerica Park again. I further ask that you never return to this website. And I expect a full apology neatly written on proper stationery for your attempted ruse and your crimes against humanity.

Let’s begin.

Section One: The Basics

1. Numbers play a big part in the game of baseball, whether in scoring, statistics, or the standings. But the most sacred numbers are the uniform ones worn by players on the team. Can you identify the most famous Tigers that wore these numbers?

A) 6
B) 5
C) 2
D) 1
E) 3

Okay, now pencils down.

If you did not answer Kaline, Greenberg, Gehringer, Whitaker, and Trammell, you know nothing about this team and should be thrown off the nearest bridge. Go away.

If you got the numbers correct: One, congrats on having a mental capacity above a dead gerbil, and two, move on to the next question.

2. As a Tigers fan, you should at least have an understanding of the English language above that of a fourth grader (unless your name is Rod Allen or Craig Monroe). If not, you need to start rooting for the Indians with the rest of the mouth-breathing half-wits. Have fun banging your AWESOME drum! My biggest pet peeve in the world is people that don’t know the proper use of “there”, “their”, and “they’re”. Insert the proper word into the following sentences using “there”, “their”, and “they’re” one time each.

A) “________ is no way Phil Coke should be in the game facing a righty.”
B) “________ crazy if they let Coke pitch to this righty.”
C) “________ jobs should be taken away if they leave Coke in against the righty.”

Pencils down.

PUT THE FRIGGING PENCIL DOWN.

Okay. A)There, B)They’re, C)Their.

If you missed any of those, hit yourself in the face with a bowling pin until you can’t remember what the Detroit Tigers even are. Thank you.

There’s only one more question in this introductory section. Take a deep breath and go.

3. Which trio of hitters (in their primes) would terrify you the most if they were coming up in the ninth inning of a game against the Tigers with a tie score?

A) Barry Bonds, Hank Aaron, and Babe Ruth
B) Willie Mays, Roberto Clemente, and Stan Musial
C) Mickey Mantle, Ted Williams, and Joe DiMaggio
D) Luke Scott, Joe Crede, and Billy Butler

Last time now, pencils down.

The answer is D. If you do not understand why, you are not a Tigers fan. Go to hell.
Did you get all three questions correct?

If so, CONGRATS! You are a Tigers fan. You may move on to see if you are a GOOD Tigers fan.

Section Two: Etiquette

As a “good” Tigers fan, it is important to not annoy the others around you with rude and/or idiotic behavior. No good person likes a pest. This is why no decent human being likes AJ Pierzynski. Answer these three multiple choice questions as honestly as possible.

1. The Wave ________.

A) is fun
B) is a great visual
C) is a good way to liven up a crowd
D) should be punishable by death

2. You are sitting in the middle of your row at Comerica Park and suddenly realize you have to use the restroom. There is a runner on second base with one out. What do you do?

A) Stand up and politely ask others in your row to excuse you as you make your way to the aisle and up to the bathroom.
B) Stand up and begin hopping over empty seats in rows in front or behind yours as you make your way to the aisle and up to the bathroom.
C) Urinate/defecate in your pants.
D) Hold it and wait until the third out is recorded and politely ask others in your row to excuse you as you make your way to the aisle and up to the bathroom.

3. You disagree with what someone you follow on Twitter has tweeted. What do you do?

A) Question their sexuality.
B) Call them stupid with no explanation.
C) Retweet it and attempt to sick your own followers on them.
D) Ignore it and/or unfollow this person while moving on with your life.

Are your comfortable with your answers?

All three of them so far should be “D”. Otherwise, you are a horrible jerk and a menace to others. Grow up. And go away, as you have failed this test. A couple more questions in this part and we’ll move on.

4. Which nickname do you find funny and/or creative?

A) “Dumbrowski”
B) “Smokey”
C) "Raybum"
D) All of the above
E) None of the above

The correct answer is D.

Just kidding.

The answer is E. If you believe otherwise, I’m amazed you made it this far. Try becoming a valued commenter at mLive. You’ll be at home there. Tell Iott that I said “hi”. He loves you folks. He really does.

5. Which other MLB team do you root for?

A) Red Sox
B) Yankees
C) Random National League team
D) Another American League team
E) None of the above.

If you answered anything but "E", you are a sham. As a Tigers fan, you have taken a sacred vow to despise the other 29 teams. You may root for the Tigers and the Tigers alone. Granted, certain teams like the Indians, White Sox, Twins, Angels, Rangers and Yankees deserve your hatred more than others. But openly cheering for any team not wearing the Old English D will not be tolerated. I'm disgusted in you. You have failed this test.
Okay, are you still with us? Congratulations! If you’ve made it this far, you have demonstrated that you know the minimal basics about the Tigers and that you are not a horrible human being. I assume there may be six of you still reading at this point. (I kid…?)

Please move on to the next section.

Section Three: True/False

Your opinions say a lot about you and if you make a good Tigers fan. Are the following statements true or false? Be honest!

1. I like when the Tigers bunt.

2. I miss Casper Wells being a valuable part of the Tigers.

3. The Tigers aren’t as fun without Brandon Inge around.

4. Jim Leyland is always right.

5. Jim Leyland is always wrong.

6. I own a Brennan Boesch shirsey.

7. Will Rhymes didn’t get a fair shot at winning the second base job.

8. Quintin Berry should have been Detroit’s starting left fielder this year.

9. More players should use “Radioactive” by Imagine Dragons as a walk-up song.

10. Prince Fielder really isn’t that bad on defense.

Double-check your answers to make sure you’re ready to move on.

Okay?

All ten statements should be “false”. If you answered “true” to any of them, I'm disappointed in you and never want to see your stupid face again. Go sit on a lawn dart.

Seriously.

Okay. There is only one more part to go. Again, none of these questions should be difficult. If you’re having trouble, maybe the Royals could use you as a fan. They only have twelve, you know.

Section Four: History

History? OH NOES. I’m sorry. As a good Tigers fan, there are certain things you need to know, other than the obvious things like “Miggy GOOD” and “Avila HAIRY”. Baseball is a game rooted in history and a proper Tigers fan should have certain dates and moments ingrained in their minds forever.

Take a deep breath. We’re almost done. Three questions remain.

Begin.

1. Three of the following four numbers should make you sad and/or angry. Which three are they?

A) 163
B) 2003
C) 1983
D) 2008

Got them?

A, B, and D should have you wanting to break something. I’m, of course, referring to Game 163, the awful 2003 team, and the disappointing 2008 club. 1983 is the year Miguel Cabrera was born. It was a good year.

2. In 1987, the Tigers traded a young, then-unknown minor leaguer named John Smoltz to the Braves for Doyle Alexander. How do you feel about this?

A) It was a good trade.
B) Worst trade ever.
C) It was probably Leyland’s idea, even though he was managing in Pittsburgh at the time.
D) Who are John Smoltz and Doyle Alexander?

What’s your answer?

D? I told you to leave this site earlier. I’m calling the cops.

C? Again, mLive would love to have you.

B? You’re an idiot. Get over it.

The answer is A. Alexander was amazing down the stretch for the Tigers and they probably wouldn’t have reached the ALCS without him. No one could have seen Smoltz turning out the way he did. It worked out well for both teams.

LAST QUESTION:
3. Where were you on October 14, 2006 when Magglio Ordonez hit a three-run homer off of Huston Street in the bottom of the ninth to send the Tigers to their first World Series since 1984?

Got it?

Any answer is correct, as long as it is true. If you don’t remember, I don’t know what to say. Other than you’re an ass and should be ashamed to pretend to be a Tigers fan. That or you’re a kid. If so, WHY ARE YOU READING THIS FILTHY, POTTY MOUTHED, POOR EXCUSE FOR A BASEBALL SITE? I’m telling your mom. Is she hot?

That’s it.

If you made it through without messing up, I’m happy to call you a fellow Tigers fan with pride. I salute you, friend. We should meet up at a game sometime and have a beer. I’ll even buy.

This concludes TigerSnark’s test to see if you deserve to be a Detroit Tigers fan. Thank you for your time and we now return you to the conclusion of the 2013 MLB season. Godspeed.

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