Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Missing Piece of the Puzzle



(Detroit Tigers Headquarters, Detroit, MI)
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: What a great first half. Yeah, we had our ups and downs, but we’re in first place and have a better record at the break than we have the past two seasons. Time to get to work and make this team even better before the trade deadline. Hello, Mary. Time for another day of work. Do I have any messages waiting for me?

SECRETARY: No, sir. But you do have a visitor waiting in your office. I apologize, but he demanded to be let in.

DOMBROWSKI: You let someone into my office without me being here?

SECRETARY: I’m sorry, sir. But he does own the team.

DOMBROWSKI: Oh, no. No. NO!

/rushes into office
MIKE ILITCH: Ahh! There you are, Daniel.

DOMBROWSKI: It’s David, sir. Um, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be on vacation or something?

ILITCH: Nonsense, Donald. You see, Marion’s hairdresser mentioned to her that our Baseball Red Wings are in first place! How about that! I sure know how to run an organization, don’t I?

DOMBROWSKI: Well, sir, actually I’m the one…

ILITCH: Exactly. Maybe one day you’ll have my skills in running a sports team. Watch and learn. I signed a new player today.

DOMBROWSKI: You’ve got to be kidding me. Sir, that is what you pay me to do. Why would you go above my head and…

ILITCH: This team needs true leadership. Sure, Cecil’s a good first baseman and the Mexican at third has a fine bat. But we need pitching help, Dexter.

DOMBROWSKI: David. And we have amazing pitching, sir. We just need to make a couple tweaks in the bullpen and…wait. Who did you sign?

ILITCH: A true hero. I man that has helped lead this team there before. A pitching genius, my boy. In fact, he should be here any moment.

/repeated pounding on door heard

SECRETARY’S VOICE: Sir? Please stop pushing. You pull to get the door open.

/door gingerly opens

JEREMY BONDERMAN: HELLOS.

DOMBROWSKI: Oh shit.

BONDERMAN: HI DUMBERSKY. HI LITTLE CAESAR. DO I SLEEP HERE NOW?

ILITCH: Jeremy! Hello, my friend. Welcome back to the Tigers organization! About time we had a winner back in the fold. Not sure how you slipped away from us in the first place, but no harm done, right? I told you I knew what I was doing, Douglas.

DOMBROWSKI: Sir, it’s David. And have you even seen Jeremy pitch lately? This isn’t exactly a move I would have made at this time.

ILTICH: Nonsense! I’m sure Jeremy’s just as good now as he was when we last saw him in the World Series, right, my boy?

BONDERMAN: I SUCKS.

ILITCH: I’m sure you’ll be fine. It's a shame I couldn't convince that Juan Gonzalez boy to join you. I'm having trouble locating him. But give me time, okay?

BONDERMAN: OKAYS LITTLE CAESAR. IF YOU SAYS SO.

ILITCH: Great. Okay, my job here is done. I’m off to get my daily medical treatment.

DOMBROWSKI: Treatment, sir?

ILITCH: Leeches. They do wonders for my skin. Go get ‘em, Jeremy! Good day, Dwayne.

BONDERMAN: CAN MY LOCKER BE BY INGE? HE DOESN’T YELL WHEN BONDO MAKES STINKY.

DOMBROWSKI: You will report to Toledo. And you will stay there until I can figure a way out of this.

BONDERMAN: THEY HAVE PANCAKES IN DOLADO?

DOMBROWSKI: I’m sure they do.

BONDERMAN: GOOD. BONDO HUNGRY. PANCAKES MAKE BONDO STRONG. BYE DUMBERSKY.

DOMBROWSKI: I hate my job.

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