Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Further Ramblings of Detroit's Village Idiot



Certain things can be said with 100% accuracy. The sun will rise each day. Water will be wet. It will snow during the winter in Michigan. And Bill Simonson will come off as a windbag moron when attempting to write about the Detroit Tigers.

I honestly wish that one week Huge would pen a Tigers article and I would agree with what he has to say. Believe it or not, I really do. The idea of a Tigers "supporter" as idiotic as Bill saddens me. But it doesn’t look like this will ever happen…certainly not this week. The newest pile of manure follows after the jump. It’s a doozy.


I guess the American League Central race is over.

Damn. Who won? I was busy concentrating on Biggie Bagel's latest race.

Could someone call the Cleveland Indians and let them know? Most national pundits think the Detroit Tigers are set to run away with the division.

Name one. No one is calling it over. Not one. Except maybe some straw man you’ve invented in your thimble-sized brain in order to write another pointless, asinine article. Most analysts are probably sticking with their preseason prediction that the Tigers will win the Central, I’d imagine, though. Detroit remains, by far, the best team on paper. But no one is calling it over.

Speaking of which, is Morosi still picking the Royals to win it?

I see things differently.

Oh. Imagine that. I’m sure you’ve got all sorts of numbers and logic to back this up, right?

LOLZ

This is going to be just like last year, when the Tigers gave the White Sox life early in the season and let them hang around playoff contention until mid-September.

Doubtful. I don’t see the White Sox contending this year.

(Yes, I know what he meant. Also, remind me of this statement in mid-September if I forget.)

Even with the starting pitching and run production — with monster numbers from Miguel Cabrera, Prince Fielder, Torii Hunter, Jhonny Peralta and Max Scherzer — the Tigers lead the Indians by only 1 1/2 games at the All-Star break.

Though they are having nice seasons, I would hardly call Fielder, Peralta, and Hunter’s numbers those of the “monster” variety. Especially Prince’s, since he’s not exactly having one of his personal best campaigns thus far.

Also, how DARE the Indians win 51 games during the first half! If they had shit the bed a bit more and only won, say, 45 games, the Tigers would have a 7 ½ game lead. With that lead and the same number of wins, would Detroit then be more impressive?

The Tigers have the best all-around bat and pitcher in the American League and have a less than a two-game lead over a team with a much lower payroll? How does this happen?

I know! One great hitter and one awesome pitcher should equal an undefeated record! It’s not like there’s 23 other players on the roster affecting things. Or injuries. Or bad luck. Or the schedule. Or a million other things.

And high payrolls always equal wins! Right, Dodgers (second highest payroll, 47-47 record), Phillies (third highest payroll, 48-48 record), Giants (sixth highest payroll, 43-51 record), and Angels (seventh highest payroll, 44-49 record).

And we ALL know low payrolls teams don’t win! Right, Rays (third lowest payroll, 55-41 record), Pirates (fourth lowest payroll 56-37 record), and Athletics (fifth lowest payroll, 56-39 record).

Baseball is such a simple game when you don’t pay attention to anything and just make up dumb shit as you go.

It’s on the back end of games. Only Houston and Seattle have worse bullpen numbers in the American League. The Tigers’ bullpen ranks 27th out of 30 in Major League Baseball, and this is is with great numbers from Drew Smyly and Joaquin Benoit.

That’s too many is’s, Bill. Stuttering is not attractive.

Also, don’t overlook Luke Putkonen. He’s sporting a 2.66 ERA and 1.27 WHIP in 20.1 innings so far. Not too shabby, though it doesn’t surprise me that you neglected to even look.

Just think how bad the numbers would be without those two.

Three. Poor LuPu.

Only eight wins and 16 losses from the Tigers late-inning arms is keeping the AL Central a race.

Never mind the strange inability of the Tigers offense to score after the 7th inning this year that I’ve covered, other sites have covered, and even the propaganda masters at FSD have mentioned. That can’t have anything to do with it. Nah, let’s put it all on the bullpen. It’s much easier to write shitty articles when you blame everything on just one single problem. Multiple factors are just too complicated to consider.

The win-loss record of the bullpen is what’s really important.

I can’t pin that all on manager Jim Leyland. He’s running out guys from a bullpen Dave Dombrowski never improved in the offseason.

2012 Stats
Brayan Villarreal: 54.2 IP, 2.63 ERA, 66K, 162 ERA+
Octavio Dotel: 58 IP, 3.57 ERA, 62K, 120 ERA+
Al Alburquerque: 13.1 IP, 0.68 ERA, 18K, 647 ERA+

Man. Why didn’t DD see two of these guys that were great in 2012 turning to shit and Dotel’s injury coming? Why didn’t he realize that Bruce Rondon, who was blowing away minor leaguers at every level, wasn’t ready for the show? Doesn’t he own a crystal ball like Bill Fucking Simonson does? What the heck, man!

Never mind the fact that there wasn’t a premium reliever, other than the ridiculously expensive Soriano, available in the offseason. We wouldn’t want to consider that, I guess.

Where I do hammer Leyland is why Phil Coke still is pitching in a game the Tigers can win.

You say you don’t fault Leyland for using the players that Dombrowski has given him. But then you do fault Leyland with using Coke. Smyly and Benoit cannot pitch every game. You make little to no sense at all times. If Simonson wrote the little pieces of paper inside fortune cookies, you would crack one open and read “Slippery When Wet” with a confused look on your face.

The guy can’t get anybody out without giving up hits and runs.

Untrue, as usual, shit-for-brains. Coke is just fine when used to get lefties out. They have only hit .229 against him. It’s when Leyland uses him to get righties out when Phil gets into trouble. But everyone already knows that. Except, Bill, I guess.

He needs to see if he can help the team by working in games that are out of hand.

Yes. Only pitch him in blowouts. What the team needs is more Evan Reed in close games.

You see, Bill has identified a problem that is visible to anyone that has ever watched baseball for more than three innings: Phil Coke is not being used properly. Yet he fails to see and identify where and when using Coke would be appropriate. This is because he has the IQ of a dead possum.

Coke makes the work of Jose Valverde look good this year.

The Tigers need to stop wasting roster spots with players who are not producing.

Didn’t they already demote Villarreal, Alburquerque, Rondon, Valverde, and Ortega at times for not producing? Who exactly do you want brought up that would be better? Matt Hoffman isn’t exactly Billy Wagner in his prime.

When I read that Valverde is still getting innings in the minors, or that Jeremy Bonderman has signed a minor league deal with the Tigers, it makes me cringe.

That makes sense if you’re a fucking moron, I guess. Why does this bother you, Bill? Minor league filler is minor league filler. Danny Dorn plays every day in Toledo. That affects the Tigers about as much as whatever NBA team Justin Bieber is a fan of this week.

Every team has guys on their Triple A ballclub that probably do not belong in the majors. That’s why Triple A players are in the minor leagues. It doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily next in line for a spot start or taking over the cleanup position. Who doesn’t understand this?

For a team expected to win the World Series, they sure have spent a lot of time this year showcasing broken-down arms like they did with broken-down bats last year.

I’ve officially run out of ways to call Bill stupid. If the man can really see the future, why won’t he share it with the rest of us? Or at least be right about something for once. Instead of breaking this statement down further, I want to move on to my favorite part of this piece.

Now, in every Simonson article, there seems to be one statement that stands out as remarkably absurd, even above the other dumb stuff. Brace yourselves for this one…

For the Tigers to spend huge money on baseball rock stars such as Cabrera, Fielder and Justin Verlander, but never invest in a proven closer since Dombrowski took over is one of baseball’s great mysteries.

Never?

None?

Never invested in a proven closer since Dombrowski took over?
Dave took over a few games into the 2002 season to fix Randy Smith’s mess. In that time, he inked:

-Ugueth Urbina, who had been a proven closer for Montreal, Boston, Texas, and Florida. He closed for us before being traded for Placido Polanco and later becoming a psychotic murderer.

-Todd Jones, who had been a proven closer for Houston, Detroit (in his first go-around), and Florida. He closed for us and became the all-time saves leader for the Tigers.

-Jose Valverde, who had been a proven closer for Arizona and Houston. He closed for a few seasons in Detroit, including being perfect in save situations in 2011.

Not to mention, they developed Fernando Rodney, who closed for Detroit and has gone on to close for other teams, including a Cy Young worthy 2012 season in Tampa.

Maybe it’s one of baseball’s great mysteries because it’s complete horseshit and doesn’t fucking exist. Have you ever even watched a Tigers game, Bill?

EDIT: Matt Sussman reminds me to include Troy Percival, too. Forgot about that one.

I’ve said for the past eight weeks, the Tigers’ AL Central lead should be 10 games, with the talent and production the Tigers have had in the first 94 games.

And I’ve said for the past eight weeks that you have offered neither logic nor facts to back up your “10 game lead” bullshit. Is it really so hard to realize that no team is perfect and that the INDIANS HAVE WON 51 FUCKING GAMES SO FAR? To have a 10 game lead, the Tigers would have to be 61-33. No team in baseball currently has more than 58 wins.

How does one person get to be so ignorant about a subject and GET PAID TO TALK ABOUT THAT SUBJECT?

Only in sports.

I know some think the Indians are set to do their annual post-All-Star-break fade and let the Tigers cruise into the postseason.

Yup. Also, the Tigers have a cake schedule in the second half. But that would require you to look at information readily available to anyone.

But I think manager Terry Francona will keep Cleveland in this race longer than expected.

Oh.

Sigh.

Because Terry Francona will drive in runs for their team? Because Terry Francona will take the mound every fifth day? Because Terry Francona has THE WILL TO WIN?

Terry Francona will succeed if the players on his team continue to play well. When Boston played well and was healthy, Francona succeeded. When they played like shit and were hurt, he failed. No manager in the history of the game WINS ballgames. To think Terry Francona will be the thing that keeps the Tribe in the AL Central race is bordering on the insane.

There’s five more paragraphs of pointless drivel after that, but I just can’t do anymore this week. Go read it at mLive if you insist.

Enjoy the rest of the break, kids. The trade deadline and the second half is when it really starts to get fun.

See you next week, Bill. I look forward to your piece on why Justin Verlander should be moved to the bullpen or whatever insane hogshit you have planned.

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