Friday, July 26, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Philadelphia Phillies



The Tigers enter this weekend at 56-45, three games ahead of the Racist Logos of Cleveland. Everyone and their brother is complaining about this Detroit team underperforming. But With Austin Jackson, Anibal Sanchez, Omar Infante, and now Miguel Cabrera all missing time due to injuries and the rough times of Alex Avila, Justin Verlander, and most of the bullpen…I’m actually happy with where the team is at. It could be much worse.

It’s interleague time again. And this time we’re seeing an opponent we don’t often get to play against. Let’s take a look at the 49-53 Phillies of the NL East.
 
Home City: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

City Known For: “The City of Brotherly Love” is the fifth most populous city in the United States and is best known for being the home of the Liberty Bell. It’s also known for cheesesteaks, the Rocky statue, and having the most heartless fans in sports. Brotherly love, indeed.

Home Park: Citizens Bank Park

Field Known For: Not being Veterans Stadium…thank goodness. It sits in a sports complex with Lincoln Financial Field, the Wells Fargo Center, and Xfinity Live. It’s situated in South Philly, an interesting place. I made the mistake of stopping at a red light in South Philadephia once. Immediately, from the shadows, four street folks came running out scraping my windshield and begging for money. The begging quickly turned to demands. Wide-eyed, I threw a handful of change out the window and as they scattered after it, I floored it and got out of there. I’m a real badass.

Fanbase: Philly loses. BOOOOO! Philly wins. BOOOOO! Santa Claus comes out. BOOOOO! (chucks battery at him) Michael Irvin is paralyzed on the field. YAAAAAY! Donovan McNa… BOOOOOOOOOOOO! DIIIIIIIEEEE!

Philly fans. They booed a struggling Roy Halladay, for crissakes. Grow up.

Formerly: Philadelphia Blue Jays, Philadelphia Quakers. But they’ve been known as the Phillies since 1883 making them the oldest continuous, one-name, one-city franchise in all of professional American sports.

Hall of Famers (as Phillies): Richie Ashburn, Jim Bunning, Steve Carlton, Chuck Klein, Robin Roberts, and Mike Schmidt.

Five Reasons to Hate the Phillies: 

1. That fanbase…yikes. Calm down, you pricks.

2. Due to his fame with Philly, Mitch Williams has turned that into his gig as possibly the worst talking head on MLB Network.

3. I don’t normally complain about uniforms, but the Phillies have always had incredibly ugly duds.

4. Remember what I said about Mitch Williams? Same with John Kruk and ESPN. Awful.

5. Jonathan Papelbon’s face.

Best Players: Chase Utley, Dom Brown, Cliff Lee

Glad They’re Gone: Placido Polanco. It’s much easier to root against them without the lovable Polly there.

Funniest Offseason Signing: Any NL team that signs Delmon Young to play outfield deserves to be mocked.
Former Tigers: Delmon, John McDonald, First Base Coach Juan Samuel.

Most Annoying Phillie in History: Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams.
Yes, he sucks as a baseball announcer. But one of my best friends is a Blue Jays fan. And he hasn’t shut up about Joe Carter’s home run in the decade I’ve known him. Ever. Thanks, Mitch. You ass.

Team Strength: They can still hit a bit, but Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins aren’t aging well.

Team Weakness: The pitching staff outside of Lee, Papelbon, and the greatest name in baseball, Antonio Bastardo, has not been impressive.

Stupidest Name on Roster: Jonathan Pettibone

TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for “Pettibone”: Outline of a player’s junk visible through his pants.

Used in a Sentence: “Verlander’s pants are so tight you can see his PETTIBONE move around with every pitch.”

Say Something Nice, Jerk: I always liked Mike Schmidt and his iconic mustache.

2013 Probable Outlook: .500 at best. They’re not horrible, but they’re headed in the wrong direction.

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