Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Chicago White Sox

No. That picture will never, ever get old. 

I had to have an impacted wisdom tooth and the molar in front of it removed today. It was awful. They numb up the entire side of your face and leave you in a room by yourself. You sit there getting an idea what a stroke must feel like and trying not to swallow your tongue. Then they go to work on you, hammering and chiseling away while yanking out pieces of teeth. The cracking sounds and the drilling tools…I would rather listen to an hour long speech by Rod Allen on the merits of bunting than ever hear that again. Avoid having this done if you can, people.

After looking at the x-ray, the oral surgeon offered to reschedule for another day if I wanted to be knocked out for the process. He said it could be painful and uncomfortable, both in feeling and to watch. I pointed at my Tigers hat, said “I’m used to it”, and told him to get to work. He laughed. I didn’t.

So as I sit here with a numb face and a bottle of Percocets (yay!), the Tigers are FINALLY welcoming the White Sox into town for their first meeting of the season. Get used to them as we’ll be seeing quite a bit of them for the rest of the year.

After taking three of four from the Indians, Detroit hopes to continue their winning ways over a Chicago team that has struggled horribly this year. If you’re like me (weirdo), you’ve enjoyed seeing the White Sox fail so far. Here’s a look at them.
Home City: Chicago, Illinois

City Known For: Deep dish pizza, Da Bears, and Da Bulls. Chicago is the third most populous city in the U.S. and is known as “The Windy City”, after all the hot air that is constantly being spewed by ungodly annoying White Sox announcer Hawk Harrelson. Chicago also is the proud owner of the worst traffic I’ve ever personally driven through. Granted, I’ve never driven a car in New York or Los Angeles. But driving through Chicago during rush hour was one of the most stressful experiences of my life. No wonder their residents are such pricks most of the time.

Home Park: U.S. Cellular Field

Field Known For: Formerly being called “New Comiskey Park” until 2003 when U.S. Cellular bought the naming rights for $68 million over 20 years. It’s one of the more boring looking stadiums in MLB. They do have several sculptures of former White Sox greats inside, though. How nice.

Fanbase:  Crankier than their Cubs fan neighbors to the north, but just as fat. Here’s something different for a change. A reader named Nora is a Tigers fan living in Chicago. I’m going to let her take it from here on both Chicago fanbases:

Here in Chicago I get Cubs fans, who are breed of idiot on a scale that is truly breathtaking. Take Comerica Park's Opening Day drunken/not-paying-attention fans, give them more disposable income, and that's the Cubs' fanbase. All of 'em. Try talking about a play that just happened at home plate, and they'll ask "where?"
And the White Sox fans seem to think a World Series win in 2005 carries over for the next 25 years. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that the Tigers had a way worse season than the Sox last year, because WHEN THE SOX GO TO THE WORLD SERIES THEY WIN. I will try to point out that while the Tigers were at the World Series, the Sox were sitting at home scratching themselves, but apparently I am crazy, b/c the SOX WON IN 2005.

Well said. Thanks again, Nora. Should a White Sox approach you, assume that they are armed and dangerous. Also, drunk. They may attack at any time. Just ask Bill Simonson, who had the shit kicked out of him outside of the Sox stadium several years ago. So all White Sox fans aren’t bad, I guess…

Formerly: Sioux City Cornhuskers, St. Paul Saints, Chicago White Stockings

Hall of Famers (as White Sox): Luis Aparicio, Luke Appling, Eddie Collins, Charles Comiskey, Red Faber, Nellie Fox, Ted Lyons, Ray Schalk, Bill Veeck, and Ed Walsh. Expect Frank Thomas to join them, soon.

Five Reasons to Hate the White Sox: 
1. Hawk Harrelson.

2. That time two of their fans ran onto the field and attacked the elderly Kansas City first base coach.

3. Hawk Harrelson’s face.

4. Along with the Twins, they’ve been our biggest rivals over the past decade.

5. Hawk Harrelson’s voice and The Will To Win. #TWTW

Best Players: Chris Sale, Jesse Crain, Jake Peavy

Glad They’re Gone: I don’t miss seeing Kevin Youkilis and his giant, stupid head. Also, we can’t forget the guy in the Most Annoying White Sock Ever section below.

Funniest Offseason Signing: They gave Jeff Keppinger a three year contract paying him $3.5M this year, $4M next year, and $4.5M in 2015. He currently has a WAR of -1.9, an OBP of .268, and an OPS+ of 51. Well done, Chicago.

Former Tigers: Casper Wells, David Purcey, Bullpen Catcher Mark Salas was a Tiger from 1990-1991.

Most Annoying White So(ck?) in History: Take a guess.
Of course it’s AJ Pierzynski. AJ’s the biggest prick to play the game of baseball in at least the past fifty years. He’s in Texas now and Chicago fans miss him due to the crap play of his replacement, Tyler Flowers. Oddly enough, AJ is a decent announcer when Fox has him on during the playoffs. I wish he’d stay there.

Team Strength: Sale and an okay bullpen.

Team Weakness: Offense. They’ve been pathetic this season.

Stupidest Name on Roster: Josh Phegley

TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for “Phegley”: Crusty substance one might find in the eye upon waking up in the morning.

Used in a Sentence: “Just let me rub the PHEGLEYS out of my eyes and I’ll be right over to dispose of the prostitute’s body, Mr. Verlander.”

Say Something Nice, Jerk: I respect Paul Konerko.

2013 Probable Outlook: Last place in the AL Central. They truly suck. And it’s glorious.

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