So I missed out on the cinematic masterpiece known as “Sharknado” on SyFy Thursday night. Yes, I’m disappointed in myself, too. But after hearing about it, I couldn’t help but think about what kind of amazing movies that could be made with members of the Tigers organization.
Here are fifteen BRILLIANT ideas that are tumbling around in the empty shell that is my brain. Let me know if you can put together the financing for one of these bad boys.
It Came From Don Kelly’s Pants
I think this one explains itself. Alternate title: “Super Anaconda”.
Motor City Wolfman in Paris
Alex Avila becomes a wolf-creature before your eyes and terrorizes the French countryside. Luckily, when he swings at potential victims, he usually misses.
Jim Leyland goes to college to learn how to use a computer. Hilarity ensues.
14 Days Later
Rick Porcello is forced to take a paternity test. Romantic comedy co-starring FSD Girl Lauren and Paws.
The Sixth Sense, The Next Chapter
Ramon Santiago befriends a strange young boy (played by Little Victor) who helps him realize that Ramon has actually been dead for two years.
Starring the majority of the Tigers bullpen from the past decade.
I Unfortunately Know What You Did Last Summer
Ryan Raburn tries to figure out why Tigers fans don’t like him.
A glimpse into the world of Justin Verlander’s arm hair.
Hit King and Prince
Buddy cop movie starring Cabrera and Fielder. Have them protect a witness played by Max Scherzer for lols. I dunno. I just want to see them to shoot the bad guys played by Jered Weaver and AJ Pierzynski a couple dozen times.
The Good, The Bad, and the REALLY Ugly
Drew Smyly, Phil Coke, and special guest star Alexi Ogando living life in the old west.
Forrest Gump 2: Gump Harder
The further adventures of Forrest. Joined by his slower cousin, Jeremy Bonderman.
Life of Brayans
Pena and Villarreal in a Monty Python type movie. Why the idea of two Latino gentlemen trying to do British humor is funny to me…I’m weird, I guess.
Austin Jackson’s Thriller
Musical zombie flick starring everyone’s favorite center fielder.
Groundhog Day 2
Jose Valverde takes the mound every day reliving the same horrible experiences. This may be based on a true story.
The Lawnmower Man Returns
Is Rod Allen’s neighbor Jack a serial killer? DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Got a better idea? Let a brother know. If Sharknado can get made, anything can.