Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Breaking Down Possibly the Worst Huge Column Ever

Over the years, I’ve had fun doing my poor man’s version of the “Fire Joe Morgan” takedowns of horribly written articles on baseball. And no one has supplied more badly written and more poorly thought out drivel than Bill Simonson and his weekly Huge Blog at mLive. But this week’s offering is beyond belief at how terrible it is.

This may be the worst article ever written about the Detroit Tigers. Take a couple Advils, grab a frosty beverage, and join me below as we wade our way through this unbelievable sewer of nonsense.

Why do the Detroit Tigers make what should be easy look so hard?

I know! Winning baseball games is EASY! That’s why everyone wins every game. EXCEPT DETROIT…those idiots. #FireLeyland

I declared this race over a month ago.

That should have tipped us all off right there that we were screwed. You haven’t been right about a damn thing since oozing out of your poor mother’s birth canal and unleashing your Huge insight on us lucky readers/listeners.

This team is too good to struggle like they do at times.

Why? With the exception of four-fifths of the starting pitching staff and the possible God of Baseball that plays third base, what is so good about this baseball team?

The catcher is always hurt and can’t sniff the Mendoza line for some reason. The first baseman is a streaky hitter that plays defense with the grace of a dead killer whale. The middle infielders are having better seasons than expected, but one is a statue on defense and the other can’t go three games without needing a breather. The left fielder’s neck tumor has seemingly sapped any hitting ability he once had. The center fielder can’t run from here to there without hurting himself. The former All-Star right fielder is increasingly showing his age, especially on defense. And the DH has legs made of peanut brittle and the luck of a guy that repeatedly gets struck by lightning. Not to mention, the bullpen outside of Benoit and Smyly sucks like a Hilton sister after three vodka and Red Bulls.

What is so good about this team that leads you to believe that they shouldn’t struggle? Every baseball team ever has had stretches where they struggle. Why is this team different?

They’re not. You’re just a fucking jackoff that gets off on riling up an easily led astray section of the fanbase that has the IQ of silly putty.

For the Tigers to be at the halfway point of the 2013 season battling three teams in the weakest division in baseball just isn’t right.

Yes, how DARE the Indians and Royals continue to win baseball games. It’s almost like no one told them their season was pointless to play and they should just lie down and die. It’s all that damn Raburn’s fault.

We’re 81 games into a 162 game season. The Tigers are ½ a game out of first at 43-38 despite separate two-week injuries to their leadoff man/center fielder, their starting catcher, and one of their two most successful starting pitchers this year. They never could have foreseen Justin Verlander’s struggles, the collapse of both Alburquerque and Villarreal in the pen, and Alex Avila turning to shit, yet there they are, just a win out of first place.

So quit acting like the season is over. Morons out there read shit like this and it spreads like a disease through the fanbase. Meanwhile, we’re less than a year removed from appearing in a World Series in a season where the Tigers were 39-42 and in third place after 81 games. With a worse team than this one. It’s like 80% of the Tigers fanbase has an Etch-A-Sketch for a fucking brain sometimes.

With their payroll,

Stop right there. Payroll means dick and any idiot knows that. It’s not the 90’s anymore when you could simply buy a World Series appearance. The three highest team payrolls in baseball are the Yankees, Dodgers, and Phillies, and all have worse records than Detroit with LA in last place and NY inching closer to last every day. Meanwhile, the best team in baseball is the Pirates with the fourth lowest payroll in MLB.

star power

Oh, get fucked with a hacksaw. Star power? Ask Joe ESPNviewer out there to name a Tiger other than Cabrera, Verlander, Fielder, or maybe Hunter. Their expression will be more clueless than a FSD girl when you ask her where she sees herself in ten years.

If star power guarantees wins, we need an infield of Cabrera and Fielder at the corners with Justin Bieber at short and the most athletic Kardashian sister holding down second.

and starting rotation,

Which is currently missing arguably the best of all of them this year.

the Tigers should have at least a 10-game lead.

A ten game lead? Here Bill goes again with his SCIENTIFIC APPROACH where he decides how far ahead the Tigers SHOULD BE at any given moment based on how itchy his nuts happen to be that morning.

For the Tigers to have a ten game lead over Cleveland, their record would have to be 54-28. The best team in baseball right now is 51-30.

Give them a break, Bill. They haven’t even played the White Sox yet.

I just don’t get it.

A short list of things that Bill Simsonson doesn’t get:

*How the game of baseball works
*Half of his paycheck due to his divorce
*What facts are
*Good radio ratings

How can the Tigers be so bad on the road? How can they be one of the worst teams in baseball at scoring runs late in games, yet lead the league in batting average and be near the top in on-base percentage? I just don’t get it.

Yeah that stuff is weird. It’s almost like baseball can be a strange game or something.

The Tigers are 17-22 on the road despite outscoring their opponents 166-155. They’re 0-6 against the shitty Angels. If they win half of those games, they have a 2 ½ game lead in the Central.

According to a tweet today from the fine folks at Motor City Bengals, the Tigers’ second half schedule has 19 games against teams currently over .500 and 49 against teams under .500. So again, I wouldn’t wave the white flag just yet, fuckhead. It’s a long season. Do you get that, at least?

I want to blame it all on manager Jim Leyland,

Considering that you’re a mouth-breathing, ignorant pile of dogshit, I do not doubt this for a second.

but I just can’t this year.
I'm in shock.
I want to blame it all on the inconsistent bullpen, but that isn’t it, either. I want to blame it on injuries, but I just can’t make excuses for this team.

Why can’t there was a single problem to blame it all on!?!? It would make everything so much easier. Baseball is HAAAAAAAAARD!

It seems all we have done the past six years is find ways to defend the Tigers’ inconsistency.

Who is this WE, white man? You haven’t defended shit. All you do is aimlessly point fingers and cry like a 12 year old girl at a concert put on by our dream shortstop, The Biebes.

You take away Miguel Cabrera this year, and they would be at least eight games behind in the American League Central race.

Hahaha, more HUGE math. Also a stupid, pointless statement.

“If you take the best hitter in the game of baseball off of his team, that team will be worse.”

Bold statement there, halfwit.

Numbers lie in this case.

Bill Simonson lies in every case.

Take a look at the Tigers’ team and individual statistics, and you would think the AL Central race is over.

Victor Martinez is hitting .233/.290/.339. Andy Dirks is hitting .245/.302/.349. Alex Avila is hitting .172/.271/.288. This is the middle of our lineup. You’re right, Bill. I can’t see why these guys aren’t producing more runs! Stupid, lying numbers that aren't really lying!

After Smyly and Benoit, the next two best WHIPS among relievers for the Tigers this year have been those of noted dumpster fires Luke Putkonen and Jose Valverde. Yes, THAT Jose Valverde has the fourth best WHIP of all Tiger relievers this year. Again, Bill, looking at individual statistics like that, WHY ISN’T THIS TEAM UNDEFEATED?

Fuck, man. Do you even read the dripping piles of shit that you manage to write with a straight face before sending it off to whatever genius decided it would be a fine feature at mLive?

Here are the problems I see

Note: This is the point in the article where I had what I believe to be a mild stroke and lost all feeling on my left side for 45 minutes.

Lack of emotion is a real issue with this team.

OH, THAT’S IT! Lack of emotion! Not injuries to Jackson and Sanchez. Not mechanical problems with Alex and Victor’s swings or Verlander’s arm slot. Not shitty luck. Not a poorly constructed bullpen. It’s lack of emotion! It seems so SIMPLE!

If they’d have kept Quintin “Clapmaster” Berry and his childlike exuberance around, this team would have started 35-5 and their magic number would be less than Prince’s waist size by now! Hurry, before it’s too late, someone teach Brayan Pena the old “firecracker, firecracker, boom boom boom” cheer so we can win ten games in a row!

Lack of emotion. Jeebus. As if the Tigers are a bunch of Little Leaguers.

They were flat in the World Series last year and seem lifeless at times this year.

Yes. If only Hunter Pence would have been jumping up and down like a six year old getting ice cream for the Tigers instead of San Francisco, the Giants pitchers would have been much shittier against us. I can buy that, I guess, if I abandon all logic and thought.

Big contracts and no everyday vocal leader in the lineup has hurt this team every year Leyland has managed the Tigers.

YES! Big contracts are to blame! From now on, only get players that will play for the minimum salary! Get rid of Cabrera, Fielder, Sanchez, Verlander, and Hunter! Then sit back and watch the wins come rolling in!

And we need a vocal leader! Of course! We need Jhonny Peralta to step up and start calling Avila a cocksucker when he strikes out. That’ll motivate him! Don Kelly is too nice! He needs to start questioning Andy Dirks’ sexuality when he goes 0-4. That’s LEADERSHIP!

Get fucking real, Bill. In all honesty, if you think the Tigers would be a better team if you personally saw a guy giving rah-rah speeches every other inning, you are insane. Are the complicated handshakes they do not enough for you? These are professionals. No one out there is dogging it. You’re such a shit-for-brains that it isn’t even funny anymore.

Well, maybe it’s a little funny. Otherwise, I’m just wasting my time.

Kenny Rogers was great. I think Justin Verlander needs to do more verbal butt-kicking.
What the fuck are you even saying? Kenny Rogers was a veteran on a staff with a bunch of kids. Verlander is currently the third or fourth best performing starter in the rotation. If ANYTHING, I think Justin needs to shut the fuck up for a while and concentrate on his mechanics. The last thing he needs to be doing is criticizing the work of his fellow pitchers, many of which are outperforming him.

What would compel you to even write that sentence? It’s ludicrous.

Not investing in a frontline closer in the offseason also has been a big factor in the Tigers’ inconsistency.

Yeah, fuck you, Bruce Rondon. You being shitty is a big factor in why the team can’t score after the seventh inning, I guess.

There is no reason for their horrible play on the road. Effort and leadership answer this.

Now you’re questioning their effort? I know Bill’s not a fan of Leyland, but even Leyland’s biggest critics would have to admit that he wouldn’t tolerate a group of guys dogging it on the field. What a crock.

And are you telling me that true leaders will their teams to win on the road? If everyone’s favorite baseball supreme commander Derek Jeter were a Tiger, would Phil Coke suddenly know how to hold a lead? Good gawd…

Lack of a quality bench and Victor Martinez’s inability to get on base hurt the Tigers’ run production late in games.

This is because late in games, most teams look to their non-starters and the number five hitter to get hits in Bill’s world. No one else.

Seriously, go back and read his last sentence again. This isn’t the National League where we’re looking for a pinch hitter for a relief pitcher late in the game. What is he talking about? Why does a deranged mental patient have a Detroit Tigers column?

There is no threat for a big hit late in games off a bench that includes Avisail Garcia, Ramon Santiago, Andy Dirks and Don Kelly.

Wait, WHAT? Now go back and read that sentence again. Think about what doesn’t look right there. There are several things. I’ll wait.
How many did you come up with? I agree that Don Kelly and Ramon Santiago should both be covered in kerosene and tossed a book of lit matches, but as for the rest of that statement:

1. Andy Dirks is currently a starter, not a bench player.

2. Garcia is only up for Matt Tuiasosopo who has been amazing, hitting .338/.466/.563 in 88 plate appearances. Notice Bill left him off the list because he’s a deceitful cockbag.

3. Also left off was backup catcher Brayan Pena, hitting .290/.321/.379 which is more than anyone expected out of the veteran #2 catcher.

4. When looking for a big hit late in the game, again, who the fuck looks to their non-starters? This isn’t the National League, you halfwit.

Having a bad bench means you don’t have a chance to win games you should lose.

Huh? I’m now going to ask you, dear reader, to go back and read THIS sentence over again. Last time I ask you to do this, I promise. If this makes sense to you, may whatever God you worship have mercy on your soul. I have no words…

Opponents pitch around the big boys, and they have an easier shot at getting out of late-inning jams.

Why is this incorrect statement in the middle of his “horrible bench” tantrum? Miggy has an unbelievable 118 hits already. He’s being pitched to. If they do pitch around Cabrera, they have to deal with Prince, who normally makes opposing pitchers pay in that situation, as FSD reminds us on a daily basis. If they walk Prince…well, it’s only happened five times intentionally. WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS?

Okay, let's pretend this makes sense in the middle of talking about a poor bench. If the other team pitches around the "big boys", is Bill suggesting that we would be pinch hitting for the #5 and #6 guys with a bench player? Does anyone have a Huge-to-English thesaurus I can borrow for this to make sense?

Why general manager Dave Dombrowski never has loaded up with veteran bats on his bench

Back to the bench. Is Bill on coke? FOCUS!

confuses me. He’ll put an All-Star starting lineup together but forgets to power his bench.

I direct you to the numbers again on Tuiasosopo and Pena here. They aren’t the problem.

Why Garcia is in the big leagues and Nick Castellanos hasn’t been given a shot to see what he could do as a left fielder, occasional designated hitter and late-inning pinch hitter with power is surprising.

1. Garcia is only up because Tui is hurt.

2. Castellanos currently plays defense like Delmon with a blindfold on.

3. Victor is the DH and needs as many at bats as possible if he’s ever going to regain his form. After a decade of him hitting .300, the man only being 34, and his $13M contract in this season alone, I see why they aren’t being quick with the hook on him.

4. Pinch hitter? You want to call up Castellanos and have him rot on the bench?

5. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU WANTING TO PINCH HIT FOR? DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE! Find me one goddamn team that has a .300/.400/.600 guy on the bench? FIND ME ONE. There aren’t any!

…my brain just melted.

The Tigers need more pop out of their DH spot. The only numbers decent for Martinez are his 40 RBIs. His .232 batting average and pathetic .290 on-base percentage don’t cut it.

You know what else sucks for VMart? His .242 BABIP. Meanwhile, the master of the Twins hit, Jhonny Peralta, has a BABIP of .385. Why isn’t Victor rubbing his rabbit’s foot as hard as Peralta? I bet it’s LACK OF LEADERSHIP.

I don’t know if Martinez can be better.

Decade of being awesome. Misses a year. Gets unlucky for three months.

Yup. Let’s shoot the bastard.

Maybe age and his comeback from knee surgery have taken their toll on his swing.

Maybe Bigfoot is to blame. Or OBAMA!

Just think of the pitches Prince Fielder would see if Martinez was getting on base.

Because currently, Prince only sees balls in the dirt and ones thrown over the catcher’s head, I guess. If Victor was hitting .290, I bet Prince would get nothing but Valverde fastballs right down the middle.

Castellanos might be able to help the Tigers at DH sooner than later. The DH spot needs to be better for the Tigers to win this division.

Oh, it’s true. They never would have won the AL Central in 2012 without the glorious All-Star caliber performance of the DEARLY MISSED Delmon Young, right?


I expected the Tigers to pull away in the AL Central as we hit the All-Star break.

Quit beating the White Sox, Cleveland! You assholes! You’re making Bill look bad!

It now looks like this team filled with All-Stars

Cabrera, Scherzer, and maybe Peralta will make the All-Star Game. Fielder, if Leyland decides to be biased.


is going to have to step up and play like one. If they don’t find a way to improve on the road and late in games, they will allow three teams to push this pennant race into late September.

No. A thousand times, no.

To win the division, they simply need to beat up on their division and split with everyone else. Against the AL Central, Detroit has done fine.

They’re 6-2 against Cleveland. 2-3 against Kansas City. 8-5 against Minnesota. That’s 16-10 so far. They haven’t even played terrible Chicago yet and have 19 games still to come with the White Sox.

This team has been far from perfect, but no team is. There are still 81 games to go, the trade deadline is still four weeks away, and the schedule is much easier in the second half than it was in the first.

The Tigers need to step it up now.

Or what? You’ll write another poorly thought out pile of feces like this every week until they do?

For the love of all that is good and holy, Tigers…START WINNING! We don’t deserve this! Only you can rescue us from the Scourge of MLive!

We’re finished here.

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