Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Detroit Tigers BINGO

Unless something earth shattering happens, there won't be anything new here until next week. I'll be attending the game on Saturday with the Bless You Boys nerd-fest, so be sure to say hi if you're going to be there. I promise not to bite. Unless I get loaded.

So until next week, I give you the following BINGO cards for you to play along with the Tigers game at home. Turn them into a drinking game, if you wish. You've got three choices after the jump.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Concern Over the Elephant in the Room

Despite a narrow first place lead in the AL Central as July comes to a close, the Tigers have seen a lot go wrong this year. Justin Verlander has been inconsistent. Alex Avila has looked lost. Andy Dirks has been disappointing after a strong 2012. The specter of suspension hangs over Jhonny Peralta. Injuries have taken various amounts of playing time from Anibal Sanchez, Austin Jackson, Torii Hunter, Omar Infante, Octavio Dotel, and Miguel Cabrera. Jim Leyland has a bunting fetish. Also, Jose Valverde exists.

But perhaps the most troubling issue facing this team is one that I haven’t seen addressed much on Tigers sites. This problem might be the biggest, too, in the long run. And by big, I don’t mean the minimum of 275 pounds he’s lugging around, either. (Lynn Henning smiles.) I’m talking about the quietly dreadful season Prince Fielder is having so far.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

RIP "Eat 'Em Up Tigers" Guy

As you’ve probably heard by now, late last night, a hit and run driver struck and killed two men in Detroit. One of them was James Van Horn, aka the “Eat ‘Em Up Tigers” Guy.

Van Horn was born and raised in Detroit. He was an All-American wrestler in his youth in 1964. At one point, he was making over $50K per year as a welder. But he fell on hard times and ended up on the streets in 2005. Homeless, he would stand outside Comerica Park, Ford Field, Joe Louis Arena, and other venues with his oversized Incredible Hulk hand and his familiar war cry of “eat ‘em up (insert home team), eat ‘em up”. He was once quoted as saying he made as much as $400 per night doing this in an old article I read. The led to him get regular shelter on a nightly basis instead of sleeping on the streets.

Some fans took notice and had some shirts printed up with his picture on them years ago. They donated the profits to James. You probably saw him wearing this shirt before a game at some point. Between this, his minor fame, and his nightly earnings, it’s hard to believe that he’s remained there for so many years without getting off the streets. But reality is reality and none of us can truly understand, I guess, until we’ve been in his shoes.

I’ll remember him for his constant smile and the way he made fans do the same before and after games. He was always nice to me over the years and I wanted to just write this today to say thanks and goodbye to a local Detroit icon. He will be missed.

I hope they find the cowardly prick that did this. And I hope he goes to prison and the inmates eat him up.

Rest in peace, Guy.

Friday, July 26, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Philadelphia Phillies

The Tigers enter this weekend at 56-45, three games ahead of the Racist Logos of Cleveland. Everyone and their brother is complaining about this Detroit team underperforming. But With Austin Jackson, Anibal Sanchez, Omar Infante, and now Miguel Cabrera all missing time due to injuries and the rough times of Alex Avila, Justin Verlander, and most of the bullpen…I’m actually happy with where the team is at. It could be much worse.

It’s interleague time again. And this time we’re seeing an opponent we don’t often get to play against. Let’s take a look at the 49-53 Phillies of the NL East.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

The Detroit Tigers AT & T Commerical That Needs To Be Made

AT & T GUY: What’s better? Scoring more runs or less runs?

EVERYONE: Mooooooooooooore!

AT & T GUY: Are you sure?

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Ryan Braun, Media Reaction, and Worshipping False Idols

This whole Ryan Braun situation both fascinates and angers me. But not for the reasons you may think. You see, I’m reading guys like Passan, Morosi, Olney, and others freaking out about it. They’re demanding apologies and reacting as if Braun assaulted their mothers in front of them. Overnight, Ryan Braun has become the most horrible person on the planet, if you believe these “respected” columnists. 

Did he cheat and lie? Looks like it. But is that really surprising that an athlete lied/cheated? Does Braun (or whoever) really deserve to be written about with such animosity?

No. Braun’s actions shouldn’t come as a shock or surprise at all, in my opinion. Here’s why.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Team (S)crappy!

Is every fanbase as odd as that of the Detroit Tigers? I find myself pondering that question on a near-daily basis.

One aspect that I can’t wrap my booze-ravaged mind around is the frequent fascination many Tigers fans have with terrible baseball players. Each season a weird cult develops around some subpar guy we have wasting a roster spot and I sit here with a bewildered look on my face and a constant urge to type the F word over and over. Longtime readers may be familiar with such thought-provoking essays of mine.

In the past week, a couple of these kind of guys were in the news. Don Kelly was named the 2013 “Heart & Hustle” award winner for the Tigers. Why? Who has more heart and hustle than Miguel Cabrera? Max Scherzer is the only other guy I can think of that would be in his league, especially with what he has overcome in the past calendar year. But Kelly? Why him? Because he’s nice and tries hard? So do the majority of big leaguers. Why not pick a good one like the Pirates did with Andrew McCutchen or the Rangers did with Adrian Beltre?

Then, the Yankees cut ties with mouth-breathing right fielder, Brennan Boesch. I saw many in the Detroit fanbase saying we should bring him back. Again, after pounding my head against a wall for a half hour, I ask why? He’s terrible! But he’s got his weird gaggle of fangirls wearing his shirseys at the CoPa asking how many points the Tigers get for a double. He’s not THAT cute, ladies.

This got me to thinking if I could field an entire team of these gritty, overrated, scrappy gamers that a healthy portion of the Tiger faithful idolize and make excuses for. To my surprise, I was able to make a starting nine with members from just the 2012 and 2013 teams. No wonder we can’t ever seem to pull away in the Central.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Further Ramblings of Detroit's Village Idiot

Certain things can be said with 100% accuracy. The sun will rise each day. Water will be wet. It will snow during the winter in Michigan. And Bill Simonson will come off as a windbag moron when attempting to write about the Detroit Tigers.

I honestly wish that one week Huge would pen a Tigers article and I would agree with what he has to say. Believe it or not, I really do. The idea of a Tigers "supporter" as idiotic as Bill saddens me. But it doesn’t look like this will ever happen…certainly not this week. The newest pile of manure follows after the jump. It’s a doozy.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Missing Piece of the Puzzle

(Detroit Tigers Headquarters, Detroit, MI)
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: What a great first half. Yeah, we had our ups and downs, but we’re in first place and have a better record at the break than we have the past two seasons. Time to get to work and make this team even better before the trade deadline. Hello, Mary. Time for another day of work. Do I have any messages waiting for me?

SECRETARY: No, sir. But you do have a visitor waiting in your office. I apologize, but he demanded to be let in.

DOMBROWSKI: You let someone into my office without me being here?

SECRETARY: I’m sorry, sir. But he does own the team.


/rushes into office
MIKE ILITCH: Ahh! There you are, Daniel.

DOMBROWSKI: It’s David, sir. Um, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be on vacation or something?

ILITCH: Nonsense, Donald. You see, Marion’s hairdresser mentioned to her that our Baseball Red Wings are in first place! How about that! I sure know how to run an organization, don’t I?

DOMBROWSKI: Well, sir, actually I’m the one…

ILITCH: Exactly. Maybe one day you’ll have my skills in running a sports team. Watch and learn. I signed a new player today.

DOMBROWSKI: You’ve got to be kidding me. Sir, that is what you pay me to do. Why would you go above my head and…

ILITCH: This team needs true leadership. Sure, Cecil’s a good first baseman and the Mexican at third has a fine bat. But we need pitching help, Dexter.

DOMBROWSKI: David. And we have amazing pitching, sir. We just need to make a couple tweaks in the bullpen and…wait. Who did you sign?

ILITCH: A true hero. I man that has helped lead this team there before. A pitching genius, my boy. In fact, he should be here any moment.

/repeated pounding on door heard

SECRETARY’S VOICE: Sir? Please stop pushing. You pull to get the door open.

/door gingerly opens

Friday, July 12, 2013

If "Sharknado" Can Get Made, So Can These Tigers Movie Classics

So I missed out on the cinematic masterpiece known as “Sharknado” on SyFy Thursday night. Yes, I’m disappointed in myself, too. But after hearing about it, I couldn’t help but think about what kind of amazing movies that could be made with members of the Tigers organization.

Here are fifteen BRILLIANT ideas that are tumbling around in the empty shell that is my brain. Let me know if you can put together the financing for one of these bad boys.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Chicago White Sox

No. That picture will never, ever get old. 

I had to have an impacted wisdom tooth and the molar in front of it removed today. It was awful. They numb up the entire side of your face and leave you in a room by yourself. You sit there getting an idea what a stroke must feel like and trying not to swallow your tongue. Then they go to work on you, hammering and chiseling away while yanking out pieces of teeth. The cracking sounds and the drilling tools…I would rather listen to an hour long speech by Rod Allen on the merits of bunting than ever hear that again. Avoid having this done if you can, people.

After looking at the x-ray, the oral surgeon offered to reschedule for another day if I wanted to be knocked out for the process. He said it could be painful and uncomfortable, both in feeling and to watch. I pointed at my Tigers hat, said “I’m used to it”, and told him to get to work. He laughed. I didn’t.

So as I sit here with a numb face and a bottle of Percocets (yay!), the Tigers are FINALLY welcoming the White Sox into town for their first meeting of the season. Get used to them as we’ll be seeing quite a bit of them for the rest of the year.

After taking three of four from the Indians, Detroit hopes to continue their winning ways over a Chicago team that has struggled horribly this year. If you’re like me (weirdo), you’ve enjoyed seeing the White Sox fail so far. Here’s a look at them.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

All 30 MLB Teams Ranked By Likability

On this site, especially in the “Fans Guide” posts, I try to make fun of the other MLB teams equally for a laugh. But I think we can all agree that as Tigers fans, we don’t really hate each team the same. Some teams are worse than others…it’s just how it is.

Today, I thought I’d rank all 30 MLB teams in order of likability. If you’re a fan of a team other than Detroit, perhaps you should leave now. Things here just possibly may be slightly biased, based on the viewpoint of a Tigers fan. You’ve been warned.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Morosi's Mid-Season AL MVP: Dustin Pedroia? Huh?

Last season’s MVP race between Miguel Cabrera and Mike Trout was probably the most compelling one that I can remember. It kind of got turned into a battle of “traditional stats” versus “saber stats” by the media, but there was much more to it. There was the question of the player’s actual impact on the team’s win-loss record. There was the fact that Cabrera’s team made the playoffs, while Trout’s did not. (I personally hate this argument in baseball since an exceptional position player shouldn’t be penalized because his team’s pitching staff is terrible or whatever.) There were differing views on how much baserunning, defense, or the position each guy played factored into the choice between them. Lots of things were figured into the many arguments I read.

And I enjoy that. I understood both sides of the debate and wouldn’t have been terribly upset if either man won the award. As a Tigers fan and someone that hates the Angels with every fiber of my being, I was thrilled that Miggy Poco won the MVP over Wonderboy. But again, I understood the Trout supporter’s view and respected their opinion. Well, except for Keith Law, since he was such an ass about it.

Despite how I seem to get worked up in a FJM type post like Tuesday's one on Simonson’s garbage, I don’t mind when someone has a different opinion than I do as long as they back it up with logic, facts, and common sense. Some of the most interesting conversations I have had in my life have been due to differing opinions backed up by such things. Though it pains me to say it, I’m not always right. I can admit that and I will when proven wrong. It’s when I read utter nonsense being spewed for the sake of riling people up, or maybe to get desperate attention, that smoke starts pouring out of my ears and I start spewing “f” words like a Tourette Syndrome stricken Andrew Dice Clay after stubbing his toe.

The latest such piece was written by ex-Free Press writer and Michigan native Jon Paul Morosi of Fox Sports. 
Yeah. Him. I tend to think Morosi thinks people will label him a homer if he supports Detroit in a national forum. Before the season began, he was the only baseball writer that I saw NOT pick the Tigers to win the AL Central. He chose the Royals because LOL. And now, he has written an article talking about his AL MVP choice for the first half. It’s not Miguel Cabrera? Okay. That seems silly to me and I think he’s the easy choice thus far, but Trout and Chris Davis have both outstanding, too. Maybe Jon Paul can convince me otherwi…

/record scratch

He picked Boston’s Dustin Pedroia.

The Diceman just banged his toe on the coffee table.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Breaking Down Possibly the Worst Huge Column Ever

Over the years, I’ve had fun doing my poor man’s version of the “Fire Joe Morgan” takedowns of horribly written articles on baseball. And no one has supplied more badly written and more poorly thought out drivel than Bill Simonson and his weekly Huge Blog at mLive. But this week’s offering is beyond belief at how terrible it is.

This may be the worst article ever written about the Detroit Tigers. Take a couple Advils, grab a frosty beverage, and join me below as we wade our way through this unbelievable sewer of nonsense.