Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Boston Red Sox

After a disappointing series with the Orioles, our Tigers now have a record of 39-31 and still hold a few game lead in the AL Central. Considering that a year ago the team was 34-36 and in third place after 70 games, you’d think we’d be feeling good right now. But as Tigers fans, it’s our sworn duty to always be in a state of panic and despair. Joining Twitter has taught me that over the past two years.

The starting pitching, for the most part, has been amazing. The bullpen, outside of Benoit and Smyly, has been an embarrassment. On offense, Cabrera, Fielder, and Peralta have been outstanding. Meanwhile, Victor, Dirks, and Avila have been well below replacement level. Hunter, Jackson, and Infante have all been inconsistent. Tuiasosopo and Pena have impressed off the bench, meanwhile Kelly and Santiago don’t belong in the major leagues.

What I’m trying to say is this is one screwy team. There is little balance. If I knew what the answer was, believe me, I’d be screaming it from the rooftops. Instead, I’ll just say let’s DFA Valverde as soon as humanly possible and go from there. Free Bruce Rondon. Also, set Don Kelly on fire every game that he’s still on the team. That’s always fun.

And it doesn’t get any easier this weekend. The Tigers are about to begin a four game set at Comerica Park with the AL East leading Boston Red Sox, who are tops in the AL in wins right now. Join me in taking a look at them here.
Home City: Boston, Massachusetts

City Known For: Boston is the capital city of Massachusetts and the largest city in New England. It was founded in 1630 by colonists from England and was the setting for many of the events of the Revolutionary War. It was the site of America’s first public school and the first subway.

Today, Boston is the home of several well-known universities and is among the top thirty most economically powerful cities in the world. Most recently, it was the site of the horrible Boston Marathon tragedy which saw the entire country rally around its citizens.

That won’t stop us from making fun of their idiotic sports fans the rest of this article, though.

Home Park: Fenway Park

Field Known For: Fenway is the oldest MLB ballpark still in use. It is most famous for the Green Monster wall in left field. Other famous parts of the stadium include Pesky’s Pole, The Triangle, and the most cramped crowd seating in existence. It has hosted 11 World Series over the years.
Fanbase: Sawx fans are the most annoying in professional sports (although Heat fans are trying!), taking the title from their hated rivals in New York in recent years. They used to be a harmless, sympathetic lot that suffered through Bucky (Fucking) Dent, Bill Buckner’s famous error, Aaron (Fucking) Boone, and other heartbreaking occurrences that hack Boston sportswriter Dan Shaughnessy credited to “The Curse of the Bambino”. But since winning the World Series in 2004, they have become beyond unbearable.

Their penis-envy of Yankee fans has turned them rabid. Nothing is more important than the Red Sox and the rest of the country should know this at all times. With the Patriots, Bruins, and Celtics all getting better, the front-running pricks are now die-hards of all Boston sports, despite none of them giving a damn about them in the previous twenty years. Most SAWX fans I’ve dealt with are racist, ignorant scumbags that are an embarrassment to fans everywhere.

“FACK YOU! Who aww you cawlin’ a fackin’ scumbag? We in PEDROIA-FACKING NATION aw-ahh the best fans in awll of-a basebawll! You facking WISH you could be a pawt of thahh GREATRIOT-CELTIC-SAWX DYNAHHHSTY! You fackin’ dahkee lovin’ cawksuckah!”

Yeah. Like that. Avoid them at all costs. And Welker’s in Denver now. Not sure how they’ll handle that. With class, no doubt.

Formerly: Boston Americans

Hall of Famers (as Red Sox): Wade Boggs, Jimmy Collins, Joe Cronin, Bobby Doerr, Rick Ferrell, Carlton Fisk, Jimmie Foxx, Lefty Grove, Harry Hooper, Jim Rice, Ted Williams, and Carl Yastrzemski.

Five Reasons to Hate the Red Sox: 

1. The unbearable, entitled, hypocritical fanbase.

2. The unbearable, entitled, self-obsessed, Boston media.

3. How they treated Terry Francona.

4. ESPN’s obsession with them and the Yankees.

5. After 2004, they low-balled Johnny Damon, dared him to leave, he left, and they booed him and called him a traitor upon his return to Fenway after he was one of the biggest contributors to their first World Series title since 1918. Horrible, horrible people.

Best Players: Dustin Pedroia, David Ortiz, Clay Buchholz

Glad They’re Gone: Adrian Gonzalez. Stay in the NL forever, dude.

Funniest Offseason Signing: Stephen Drew. They gave the shortstop a one year, $9.5 million contract and so far he’s hit .213 with an OPS+ of 79. To his credit, he has played very solid defense so far, though.

If that doesn’t work for you, consider Shane Victorino. They’re paying him $13 million per year for the next three years. He currently has an OPS+ of 85 and hasn’t really been good since 2011 in Philadelphia. BRAN-TORINO anyone?

Former Tigers: Andrew Miller, who is apparently now a hobo when he isn't being terrible at pitching.

Also, their bench coach is Torey Lovullo, who was a Tiger from 1988-1989. I’m pretty sure Sparky Anderson probably called him a future all-star at some point.

Most Annoying Red So(ck?) in History:  
Buckner. Because he couldn’t bend over to field a simple ground ball, for almost 20 years we had do see and hear about it NONSTOP every time the Red Sox were on the television. It tied into their “Curse” nonsense and we were beat over the head with it again and again and AGAIN. Meanwhile, their manager in ’86, John McNamara, and relief pitcher Bob Stanley were more to blame for their collapse against the Mets than Billy was.

But eff you, Bill. The majority of their deranged, lunatic fanbase was born with your blunder.

Team Strength: They have an amazing bullpen that is striking out people like mad. It must be nice. Ortiz and Pedroia are always solid and carry the offense with their bit players. And Buchholz and Lackey have been very good this year. Luckily for us, Clay just went on the DL and we’ll miss him this series.

Team Weakness: That being said about Tiny Dustin and Big Papi, the rest of the BoSox offense hasn’t been that great this year with five starters all having an OPS+ under 100. They do have a good bench, though, that has picked up some of the slack.

Stupidest Name on Roster: Jarrod Saltalamacchia

TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for “Saltalamacchia”: A parasite found in the bowel caused from eating too much clam chowder.

Used in a Sentence: “Aww, tha fackin’ doctah said I’ve got SALTALAMACCHIA from eatin’ so much fackin’ chowdahh!”

Say Something Nice, Jerk: Ted Williams was the f’n man.

2013 Probable Outlook: Boston’s been much better than I thought they would this year. They have a good chance at winning the AL East, but will have to fight off the Rays and Orioles to do it.

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