Wednesday, June 12, 2013

A Day in the Life of Rod Allen

The following is how I imagine a day in the life of Fox Sports Detroit’s Rod Allen.

All meant in good fun, of course.

7:00am: Wake up.

7:01am-7:20am: Morning dump. Muttering “Easy, big fella.”

7:21am-7:40am: Shower. No need to be filthy.

7:41am-8:05am: Breakfast. Cereal. But none of that sugary stuff Mario likes.

8:06am-10:15am: Stare at neighbor’s lawn in disbelief.

10:16am-10:40am: Cops arrive. Explains that he was not staring in neighbor’s windows. Just admiring lawn. Cops explain they’re sick of coming out every day and to please stop.

10:41am-10:55am: Scan Detroit News for mainly Lynn Henning articles. Ignore any articles involving advanced metrics.

10:56am-10:58am: Chuckle at Family Circus cartoon. Remarks “That Jeffy is some kind of smooth.”

10:59am-11:15am: Scan Detroit Free Press mainly for Drew Sharp articles. Ignore any articles involving advanced metrics.

11:16am-11:18am: Chuckle at Marmaduke cartoon. Says “Stop it, Marmaduke.”

11:19am-11:25am: Snack. Cheese.

11:26am-12:50pm: Bother employees at Ace Hardware.

12:51pm-1:00pm: Giggle fit for no particular reason.

1:01pm-1:35pm: Lunch. Rice and beans.

1:36pm-2:05pm: Pick out matching suit and handkerchief for evening’s broadcast.

2:06pm-2:40pm: Watches Tom Ermanski Instructional Video on bunting from the early 90’s. Nods head and claps hands throughout.

2:41pm-2:45pm: Scans Twitter for random tweet from a FSD colleague. Responds with “That’s right!”

2:45pm-2:55pm: Retweets morons asking for birthday retweets.

2:56pm-3:05pm: Snack. Seeds.

3:06pm-3:35pm: Leaves home and heads to ballpark. Smooth jazz on the radio.

3:36pm-3:38pm: Prepare notes for evening’s broadcast.

3:39pm-4:45pm: Bother opposing team’s coaches for nice things to say about their players.

4:46pm-4:55pm: Talk to someone, anyone, that will speak to him at batting practice from the Tigers.

4:56pm-5:10pm: Giggle fit for no particular reason.

5:11pm-5:45pm: Dinner in broadcast booth. Ribeye steaks. (Substitute BBQ if in Kansas City.)

5:46pm-6:00pm: Evening dump. “I see you, doodie.”

6:01-7:00pm: Sit around with occasional spots on Tigers Live.

7:01pm-9:00pm: Call game with Mario.

9:01pm-9:10pm: Silent. In-game nap.

9:11pm-10:15pm: Finish calling game with Mario.

10:16pm-10:35pm: Snack. Cotton candy.

10:36pm-11:10pm: Return home. Tupac on the radio.

11:11pm-11:30pm: Check Twitter. Block anyone that corrects his mistakes from during the game.

11:31pm-11:40pm: Throw darts at dartboard with picture of Kila Ka’aihue in the middle.

11:41pm-12:00am: Conversation about his day with imaginary friend, “Mr. FoxTrax”.

12:01am-12:10am: Giggle fit for no particular reason.

12:11am-6:59am: Sleep. Dreams about bunting and cotton candy.

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