Monday, May 13, 2013

The Most Annoying People at Comerica Park

So, I’m attending Tuesday evening’s Tigers/Astros game at Comerica Park. It’ll be my first game this season, the latest into the season I’ve gone to my first game in several years. April was cold, man. I’m only into freezing at the ballpark if it’s the playoffs.

So in my first game at the CoPa since the ALCS clinch game against the Yankees, I can’t help but think about the many folks I haven’t seen in so long. I’m sure many will be in attendance. Unfortunately.

Note: I turned 36 last week. My patience for annoying people isn’t what it used to be.

Here’s a quick rundown of these winners off the top of my head.

-Eat ‘Em Up Tigers Guy. People think he’s homeless and the dude makes more cash than half the people attending the game. Do the math sometime.

-Charlie: America’s most annoying hot dog vendor. Sorry. The whole "singing vendor" novelty wore off years ago.

-Guy outside the stadium in your face asking if you have tickets. All 50 of them. I hate to praise Cleveland’s ballpark in two straight columns, but they have a rule (or they did the last time I was there) at Progressive Field where the scalpers and “homeless” are not allowed within a block from the stadium. Take notes, Detroit.

-Idiot asking if Inge is playing that day despite him being long gone. I actually overheard this during an August game last season at the park. Two years ago, I heard one asking if Craig Monroe was still on the team. Shouldn’t you people be Yankees fans or something?

-Drunk guys cursing up a storm next to children.

-Autograph seeking adult. Grow up. *EDIT* The ones that are pushing past kids to get something signed. I hate these cretins.

-Pink jersey girl. Ladies, very few things are sexier than a pretty girl in a Tigers jersey. But if it’s a pink one, we assume you have the HIV. If it’s a Porcello one, we know it.

-Frat douche wanting to start the wave. No one likes you. No one ever will. You are a failure and a disappointment to all of mankind. Fall into a pit of cobras, please.

-Dickbag that brings a beach ball that ends up on the field twenty seconds later halting play.

-Guy that thinks every strike called on the Tigers is a ball. Also, every ball called on the opposing team is a strike. Then he keeps yelling at the umpire. Meanwhile, I’m calculating the odds of getting away with murdering him in front of 30,000 people. (Note: All is forgiven if the umpire is CB Bucknor, Angel Hernandez, or “Country” Joe West. Because they're the worst people on the planet and deserve our scorn.)

-People that react to every fly ball like it’s leaving the yard. Pretend you’ve been here before.

-Shithead in my row that needs to get up every inning for something. Sit down. Shut up. Cheer Miggy. It isn’t hard. Piss your pants LIKE AN ADULT and quit annoying your neighbors.

-Clown that wasn’t a fan before 2006 insulting my Higginson jersey. Die.

-Shannon Hogan interviewing the boring couple behind me.

-People returning to their seats that don’t wait until the half inning is over. I don’t ask for much. But a little fucking courtesy isn’t too much to ask for, is it?

-Mouth-breather with a 50x50 sign with a “clever” Rod & Mario pun on it that insists on blocking my view every 30 seconds trying to get on a TV broadcast they’ll never see.

-Old white guy in a Don Kelly jersey. I saw two of them last year and had multiple evil thoughts.

-Inconsiderate prick that has arm around his wife in the seats in front of me. What’s so wrong with that? I’m 6’4. His arm is touching my knees and he doesn’t care. (Yes, this has happened to me twice.)

-Constant cell phone talker. You are at a baseball game. Give your BFF a rest. She’s probably banging your boyfriend behind your back, anyway.

-Bored, ungrateful little kid. Screw you, junior. My dad was a dick and hardly every brought me to a ballgame. Appreciate what you have before your parents eventually divorce. Probably because of something you did. Jerk.

-Late arriver/early leaver. They shouldn’t allow people to enter after the second inning. Why isn’t that a law? And anyone leaving before the finish should be shot on site. My old man made us leave early when I was a kid once to beat traffic and I missed a Kirk Gibson walkoff. I’ve never forgiven him.

-Don Kelly.

There you have it. With any luck, I’ll avoid the majority of these folks tomorrow.

Did I leave anyone out?


Here's a few more I liked that were suggested on Twitter.

-People that still wear Inge jerseys. Especially All-Star ones, KEITH.

-Guys that talk about how they could do something better than whatever player they're criticizing. No you can't. That's why you work at KFC and Phil Coke pitches in the big leagues. I may not appreciate Don Kelly attempting to hit a baseball, but even I'm not delusional enough to think I have a third of his talent.

-Corporate suits at the game for work and not to enjoy the game. Ugh.

-The clown trying to impress his date with his vast, and incorrect, baseball knowledge. Props to @WMUJeff on that one. Can't believe I forgot to include that asshole. He should have been first.

-People standing at the top of the ramp blocking the view and other people trying to get to their seats. Sit down or leave. They should give the ushers knives to stab people.

-Adults asking players on the field and in the bullpen for baseballs. Unless it's for your kid, you should be thrown into a tar pit.

Good hustle, everyone!

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