Thursday, May 9, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Cleveland Indians

One should not go into battle with another without first knowing what they are up against. As we journey along during the 2013 baseball season, TigerSnark will take an in depth look at each opponent the Tigers will face. 

What do you say we just all pretend that two game series in Washington never happened, okay? Good. Stupid NL rules…

Oh, goodie. It’s finally time for our first series of the year with our AL Central brethren, the Cleveland Indians. It is also homecoming for the reigning AL Player of the Week, Mr. Ryan Raburn. Ryno, your baseball team is awful and unlikable, but I bid you welcome. You may remember me as the only fan that didn’t boo you in Detroit. Take it easy on us.

If you were going to give the United States of America an enema, you’d stick the hose into Cleveland. This is their Tribe.

Home City: Cleveland, Ohio

City Known For: Currently, it’s known as the home of a sick pervert that kidnapped and held prisoner three poor girls for several years. Good luck living that one down, Cleveland. Before that, it was mostly seen as Pittsburgh’s door mat and the city Lebron James couldn’t wait to get out of. In fact, every decent athlete the city ever had couldn’t wait to bolt. This is why no one has smiled in Cleveland in decades.

Home Park: Jacobs Field Progressive Field

Field Known For: Everyone still calling it Jacobs Field. Also, it’s known for being sold out for 455 straight games from 1995-2001. Now, you’ll be lucky to find 10,000 idiots there on a given night.
Just move the team to Oklahoma City or something.
Fanbase: 90% alcoholics waiting to die. 10% Browns fans killing time until their football team begins sucking again in the fall. (The Browns fans are also alcoholics.)

Formerly: Grand Rapids Rustlers, Cleveland Lake Shores, Cleveland Bluebirds, Cleveland Naps

Hall of Famers (as Indians): Earl Averill, Lou Boudreau, Stan Coveleski, Larry Doby, Bob Feller, Bob Lemon, Al Lopez, Joe Sewell, Early Wynn.

Five Reasons to Hate the Indians: 
1. Chris Perez and his stupid mouth.
2. Jason Kipnis and his stupid face.
3. Asdrubal Cabrera and his annoying whining after every play.
4. Nick Swisher: Douchebag.
5. Ohio is terrible. Trust me. I live there.

Best Players: Jobu?
Nah. Justin Masterson, Asdrubal Cabrera, Michael Bourn

Glad They’re Gone: Shin-Soo Choo. He was the Tribe’s best hitter. His 11 career homers against Detroit are the most he has against any team. They traded him and others in a three team deal with Arizona and Cincinnati and received Drew Stubbs, Trevor Bauer, Matt Albers, and Bryan Shaw. Stubbs is no Choo. Bauer had better turn into something or it’s just another case of Cleveland letting a talented player slip away.

Funniest Offseason Signing: 4 years/$56 million for Nick Swisher? No thanks.

Former Tigers: Ryan Raburn, Omir Santos (minors), manager Terry Francona coached in Detroit in 1996.

Most Annoying Indian in History: Jason Donald. Who? Why?
That’s why. Poor Armando. He never recovered.

Team Strength: 
RYAN FUCKING RABURN! He’s unstoppable! Beg his forgiveness, Detroit! I tried to warn you! Chief Ryno is hitting .333 with 4 HR and 11 RBI with a .968 OPS. Will it last? OF COURSE IT WILL! (Of course it won’t.) I voted for Raburn 25 times as a write in candidate on this year's All-Star ballot. I suggest you all do the same and maybe he'll forgive the horrible things that YOU PEOPLE all said about him. And start spelling his name correctly.

Team Weakness: Outside of maybe Masterson, that starting rotation isn’t scaring anyone.

Stupidest Name on Roster: Jason Kipnis

TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for “Kipnis”: An extremely itchy, fatal venereal disease.

Used in a Sentence: “Rick Porcello gave my sister KIPNIS.”

Say Something Nice, Jerk: I hate to admit it, but Progressive Field is my favorite ballpark to watch a game in of all of the stadiums I’ve visited. It’s a really nice place. Unlike Comerica Park, it actually has more than four restrooms for 50,000 people. And their ballpark mustard kicks ass.

2013 Probable Outlook: They’re the Indians. They’ll put together a couple winning streaks and convince the seven gullible nitwits in their fanbase that they’ll contend. Then reality will kick them in the ass again and they’ll be lucky to finish third in the AL Central. It’s what they do.

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