Yesterday was my birthday. Did any of you get me anything? Of course not. Ingrates. All I do for you…
Before that, the Tigers were nice enough to sweep a four game series from the Double A team posing as the Astros nowadays. Afterwards, Houston responded by releasing Rick Ankiel, the only player their fans had ever heard of. That’ll turn things around there.
Up next, oh no. NATIONAL LEAGUE RULES. We lose Victor for the two game series. We get to watch pitchers bat. How exciting. If Don Kelly bats fifth, I riot.
The Washington Nationals are the opponents. Unlike Houston, these guys are good at baseball. That’s what happens when you get top draft picks for years and keep drafting potential studs and not iffy relievers. See Rays, Tampa Bay. Do not see Tigers, Detroit.
Along with the Seattle Mariners, the Nats are one of the only two MLB franchises to never appear in the World Series. Losers.
Home City: Washington D.C.
City Known For: Being the capital of the United States. Barock Obama lives there, I believe. He’s a White Sox fan.
Home Park: Nationals Park
Field Known For: Not being the shithole that RFK Stadium was. They have decreased the available seating at Nationals Park in 2010, 2012, and 2013. That’s one way to make sellouts easier, I guess. The Washington Monument and the Capitol Building are visible from the park. Can’t wait for FSD to trot out some stock footage of those bad boys.
Fanbase: Corrupt politicians and bored Orioles fans.
Formerly: Montreal Expos
Hall of Famers (as Nationals): None, but Gary Carter and Andre Dawson are in as Expos. Tim Raines should probably be in, too.
Five Reasons to Hate the Nationals:
1. If you’re Canadian. (RIP Montreal baseball.)2. Bryce Harper is a douche.
3. There is little to like about anything that’s happened in D.C. in at least the last 20 years or so.
4. DENARD SPAN ALERT! We’re doomed!
5. Jayson Werth spells his first name stupid and looks like a hobo.
"Eat 'em up Nationals, eat 'em up!"
Best Players: Bryce Harper, Jordan Zimmermann, Stephen Strasburg
Glad They’re Gone: Edwin Jackson’s not there anymore. Good. I feel bad beating up on guys I like. I feel even worse when guys I like beat the Tigers.
Funniest Offseason Signing: They gave Dan Haren a 1 year, $13 million deal after he was terrible for the Angels last year. Surprisingly to the Nationals, he’s been terrible this year, too, sporting an ERA of 5.01 in 32.1 innings. We’ll see him in the short series, so expect him to throw a two-hit shutout against us because that’s what Dan Haren does to Detroit.
Okay, it’s not as funny now, I guess.
Former Tigers: Ryan Perry’s in the organization somewhere sporting those BADASS sleeve tats.
Most Annoying National in History: Harper.
He is in support of the wave. If that’s not grounds for the death penalty, I don’t know what is. That’s a clown thing to support, bro.
If it weren’t for that wave thing, Denard Span would be the easy choice. In 66 career games against the Tigers, he has a .342 career batting average and a .402 OBP. He is the master of the #TwinsHit.
Team Strength: Great starting pitching and a solid bullpen.
Team Weakness: Outside of Harper, the offense hasn’t been impressive thus far. Only Brycey Boy, catcher Kurt Suzuki, and shortstop Ian Desmond are starters with an OPS+ over 94.
Stupidest Name on Roster: Steve Lombardozzi, Jr
TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for “Lombardozzi”: A painful groin injury.
Used in a Sentence: “Phil Coke has to take a two week break from sucking at pitching because he has a LOMBARDOZZI.”
Say Something Nice, Jerk: I wouldn’t mind Tim Raines making the Hall. That’s the best I can do here. Not a fan of the Nats.
2013 Probable Outlook: The NL East will probably be a two team race between Washington and Atlanta. They’re the choice of many experts to represent the NL in the World Series. I have them winning the East, but they’ll need to improve quite a bit on offense. Adam LaRoche is their starting first baseman, for Higgy's sake.