Thursday, May 30, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Baltimore Orioles

Check your milk cartons, people. You’ll probably see a picture of the Tigers offense on there. The less said about the Pirates series, the better. Rick Porcello and Doug Fister didn’t deserve that.

So we move on. Up next is a trip to Baltimore for a series with the Orioles. You may remember the O’s as the team you always forget is in the AL East. Pictured above is ex-Oriole and ex-Tiger Billy Ripken on the most famous baseball card of my childhood. Still funny.
Home City: Baltimore, Maryland

City Known For: Baltimore is known as a working-class port town. There is a 50% chance that you will get stabbed while visiting there, depending on whether or not Ray Lewis is still in the area.

Home Park: Oriole Park at Camden Yards

Field Known For: It’s one of the most beautiful parks in baseball and the most unique aspect is probably the B&O Warehouse behind the seats in right field. Also, Major League II was filmed there.

Fanbase: Old people still wearing Ripken jerseys. Assholes wearing purple camouflage waiting for football season.

Formerly: Milwaukee Brewers, St. Louis Browns

Hall of Famers (as Orioles): Eddie Murray, Jim Palmer, Cal Ripken, Brooks Robinson, Frank Robinson, Earl Weaver

Five Reasons to Hate the Orioles: 

1. They play “Thank God I’m a Country Boy” during the 7th inning stretch there. Seriously.

2. Manager Buck Showalter is an obnoxious prick.

3. In the 80’s, the overrated Ripken had the attention of the national sportswriters while Alan Trammell received little attention for his shortstop play. (slightly bitter over here)

4. They share the same town with the Ravens, an unlikable sports team if I’ve ever seen one.
5. Owner Peter Angelos in regarded as one of the worst owners in all of sports.

Best Players: Adam Jones, Chris Davis, Manny Machado

Glad They’re Gone: Jim Thome. Because Jim Thome.

Funniest Offseason Signing: 
Signed Freddy Garcia’s corpse to be in their rotation after San Diego released him in March. He’s predictably been terrible until shutting out the Nationals for eight innings on Thursday.

Former Tigers: Garcia, Jair Jurrjens, Wilson Betemit (DL)

Most Annoying Oriole in History: LUKE FUCKING SCOTT
In 2008 with the O’s against Detroit, Scott hit .542/.607/.1.333 with 5 homers and 10 RBI in 7 games. How about 2009, you ask? Again, he blistered Tigers pitching hitting .304/.407/.1.000 with 5 more home runs and 13 RBI in 7 games. Luke Scott is the Lord of Darkness and I live in constant fear of him, even with him now terrible and in Tampa.

Team Strength: Chris Davis has been superhuman so far.

Team Weakness: Poor starting pitching.

Stupidest Name on Roster: Taylor Teagarden

TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for “Teagarden”: Another word for one’s “happy place” they go to in order not to think about their problems.

Used in a Sentence: “When I watched the Tigers try to hit in the Pirates series, I went to my TEAGARDEN so I wouldn’t think about killing everyone on my block.”

Say Something Nice, Jerk: Remember in the Pirates one of these when I said McCutchen was my favorite non-Tiger? Well, Adam Jones is #2.

2013 Probable Outlook: They have some nice players, but not enough to contend in the AL East this year. Last season, they had a lot of luck in one-run games. I can’t see that happening again this year.

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