Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Houston Astros

One should not go into battle with another without first knowing what they are up against. As we journey along during the 2013 baseball season, TigerSnark will take an in depth look at each opponent the Tigers will face. 

The Tiger swept the Braves and took the first two from the Twins before losing on Wednesday afternoon. No doubt, someone out there thinks Leyland should be fired for losing a game to the Twins. Also, Scott Diamond is Cy Young against us because baseball.

Next is a road trip to the newest team in the American League, the Houston Astros, for four games. How bad is Houston? About as bad as a team can get in 2013 outside of Miami.

Home City: Houston, Texas

City Known For: Home of NASA. It’s the fourth most populous city in the US. It’s also a significant hub for trafficking cocaine, marijuana, heroin, and meth due to its size and close proximity to major illegal drug exporting nations. Good for you, Houston!

Home Park: Minute Maid Park

Field Known For: Formerly being named for Enron. Also, they have that stupid hill in center field. I’m amazed no one has died because of it yet. There’s also a train in left field that moves when an Astros player hits a home run. It doesn’t move as much as it used to.

Fanbase: Texans. Enough said.

Formerly: Houston Colt .45’s.

Hall of Famers (as Astros): None, but seven Hall of Famers have passed through Houston at some point. Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell both belong in. Sadly, the voters are morons.

Five Reasons to Hate the Astros: 

1. They’re in Texas.
2. These uniforms from the 80’s.
3. Somehow conned Boston into giving up Jeff Bagwell for journeyman relief pitcher Larry Anderson. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN US! Was Danny Patterson that valuable out of the pen that we couldn’t offer him for Bags? I hate Randy Smith more than puppy killers.
4. Constantly making pointless trades with Randy Smith. Usually involving Brad Ausmus.
5. The Astrodome was a dump.

Best Players: Jose Altuve, Chris Carter, Marwin Gonzalez (?)

Glad They’re Gone: Carlos Lee. He was the only intimidating bat they had left before trading him late last year.

Funniest Offseason Signing: Giving Carlos Pena’s corpse $3 million (1/7 of their team payroll) to strike out 180 times for them.

Former Tigers: Carlos Pena, Pitching Coach Doug Brocail was a Tiger from 1997-2000.

Most Annoying Astro in History: Scott Moore was with them for 72 games last year. Why him? Because the Tigers wasted the number eight overall pick of the 2002 Draft on him and passed up on other first rounders like Nick Swisher, Cole Hamels and Denard Span to take him. I’m still bitter.
If you want someone else, we’ll say Roger Clemens because he’s such a dick.

Team Strength: Low expectations.

Team Weakness: You name it.

Stupidest Name on Roster: Brad Peacock

TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for “Peacock”: Small male reproductive organ.

Used in a Sentence: “I bet AJ Pierzynski’s such an asshole because he has a PEACOCK.”

Say Something Nice, Jerk: My two favorite non-Tigers of all time are Bagwell and Biggio. In fact, the Astros were always the NL team I rooted for because of them.

2013 Probable Outlook: They may only win 20-30 more games than the Houston Texans do this year.

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