What kind of show would you most prefer seeing on FOX Sports Detroit this fall? #poll foxsportsdetroit.com/nfl/detroit-li…
— FOX Sports Detroit (@FOXSportsDet) May 2, 2013
Fear not, Fox Sports Detroit. I am here for you. About time you asked. Geez.
/ignores stupid poll
The following is a list of ten programming ideas that could EASILY be the most entertaining things on the channel. Granted, with competition such as British soccer, watching creepy strangers play poker, and college lacrosse, it shouldn’t be that difficult of a task to come up with something to fill a few hours of programming.
1. Detroit Sports Roundtable
This is easy, quite obvious, and I’ve talked about it in the past. Get a host like Trevor Thompson to moderate a panel of current or ex-Detroit sports athletes talking about whatever is in the sports news that week. Imagine Rick Mahorn talking about how no one wants Tim Tebow rotting on their team’s bench and why. Think about the potential drama of Tony Clark saying Kevin Durant doesn’t have the will to win that Lebron James does. Or just imagine Kris Draper explaining why a gay teammate would or wouldn’t have impacted the Wings winning championships in the 90’s. (Don't ask Torii Hunter, though.)
Better yet, have two athletes and two Detroit sportswriters on. Lynn Henning, Mitch Albom, or another clown like Terry Foster could give their uninformed opinions on something and then cut to John Salley telling them why they’re full of crap. That could be fun.
Would it be boring? Probably! But ESPN gets good ratings with this nonsense. Why not Fox Sports?
2. Motor City Sports Roomies
Rip off The Real World and put a bunch of athletes in the same house. Film their fights. Easy peasy. It can’t NOT be interesting! Forcing Darren McCarty, Fu-Te Ni, Jason Hanson, Cheryl Ford, Vinnie Johnson, Matt Anderson, and Scott Mitchell to live in the same house should have happened YEARS ago.
3. Detroit After Hours (with Bobby Higginson)
Did you ever watch “Insomniac with Dave Attell"? It was a show on Comedy Central that had comedian Dave Attell in a different city each week getting drunk and visiting bars and late night spots unique to that particular town. It was awesome. Detroit has plenty of bars, casinos, and God knows what else going on after midnight. And who better to be the viewer’s tour guide than legendary Tigers icon Robert Leigh Higginson? I guarantee he knows where the best strip clubs are.
4. Motor City Hairstyles
Face it, FSD. You need female viewers. Guys are dumb and will watching anything. But to get the girls, you need to focus on what they care about. Your only choices are hair and shoes because women are weird. Shoes are stupid, so go with hair! You feature a Detroit sports figure each week and what they go through to maintain their famous locks. Men will enjoy this, too! I mean Prince Fielder’s hair care secrets? Who wouldn’t watch that? An exclusive interview with the massive team of beauticians it must require to keep Ryan Field’s hair the best in the biz? Count me in! And exactly what kind of conditioner does Justin Verlander use on his flowing arm hair? Tune in Tuesdays this Fall to find out!
5. The Detroit Sports Shopping Super Show!
There is an endless amount of crap that the Detroit sports teams slap a logo on and then attempt to pawn off on us moron fans. I mean look at this ugly thing they have for $289.99 on the Tigers website.
And it works! I have an entire room and wardrobe full of ugly crap with an Old English D on it. But why rely on fans to take a break from watching internet porn to venture to their team’s website? I know I don’t have that kind of time. Screw that. Have a weekly shop spotlighting whatever is clogging up the Chinese sweatshop that’s dedicated to keeping us ugly Americans clad in our Red Wings/Lions/Tigers/Pistons apparel. Let Dan Dickerson host it. I’d buy roadkill if a guy like Dan told me it was a good idea. And if he can’t sell these leftover Dontrelle Willis bobbleheads, no one can!
Call now! Only 500,000 left!
6. The Games Within the Game
Each episode focuses on things that happen during games that we all know about, yet we really don’t put much thought into it. Have Gene Lamont on to explain the best way to spit sunflower seeds. Jimmy Howard should address how a goalie goes about having to urinate during a game. Have Phil Coke tell stories about how the bullpen stays awake during the first six innings. Bring Shaun Hill on to explain what he’s doing holding a clipboard for sixteen games a year (or less depending on if the chewing gum is still holding Stafford’s shoulder together that week). There are endless opportunities here.
7. Detroit Sports Celebrity Poker
As I mentioned earlier, watching a table full of poorly dressed schmucks you don’t know play cards is about as exciting as watching a Marlins/Astros game. But if you put together a group of ex-Detroit jocks, kept them supplied with booze, and had a cash and/or hooker prize for the winner? Gold, Jerry! I don’t know about you, but I’d be up for watching Bill Laimbeer cuss out Todd Jones for making his flush on the river. Todd was always good for lucky breaks like that.
8. Date Detroit’s Athletes!
“The Dating Game” is a game show that’s been around forever. Why not give it a Motown sports twist? Have three girls competing for a chance at a night on the town with Rick Porcello! Imagine Rodney Stuckey asking a panel of chicks what kind of ice cream they’d be for him to eat! Let Shannon Hogan host. She needs a break from interviewing the most boring fans she can find at each event. Follow them on their big night on the town. And if the lucky winning girl makes it through the entire date without pressing charges, she can return in a future episode once the athlete dumps her for a girl he met on Twitter! Everyone wins!
9. What Do They Really Do?
Anytime Alex Avila strikes out, some clown fan is calling for the head of Lloyd McClendon. How about a weekly show spotlighting on what a person in Detroit sports’ job really entails? What does a hitting coach really do? How about some love for the locker room manager of the Pistons? Let Heather Nabozny explain what all goes into maintaining Comerica Park so Rod Allen will leave those poor Ace employees alone. Who washes the filthy jock straps of the Detroit Lions? I MUST KNOW, FSD! Tell me!
10. The NEXT Fox Sports Girl Super Search!
Want to be the next FSD Girl Lauren? What girl doesn’t?!? Make it a reality show. Force them to compete weekly in silly challenges. Eliminate a girl each week. Have athletes on weekly as judges like American Idol. IT WRITES ITSELF, FSD! That’s why the big networks do it! It’s idiot-proof. It's cheap to produce. Fox Sports Detroit: We Know Drama!
There is an excellent opportunity for you to make FSD must-see-TV, my friends. And I didn’t even get into my Dr. Phil ripoff starring the Eat ‘Em Up Tigers Guy! Or the cartoon adventures of Double D and Crazy Mike. Call me, Fox. I’m full of great ideas.
Keep in mind, I demand an executive producer credit, season tickets to the Tigers, and enough money to quit my stupid job. Other than that, it’s all yours to play with.