Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Bill Simonson: So Bad That I (gulp) Defend ESPN



In a world of terrible people covering sports, there is no one even close to being in Bill Simonson’s league when it comes to being the absolute worst.

Three weeks ago, HUGE wrote a piece on the Red Wings so unbelievably stupid that Yahoo, Deadspin, and many other sites couldn’t resist mocking how bad it was. The next week, he did one of his mailed in columns where he covers multiple topics without saying anything of importance. (It was probably a good idea after the Wings column abortion.) Then last week, he wrapped himself in the American flag and said he cries about soldiers he has never met. This is the same sensitive guy that when working in Tulsa called Oklahoma’s black football coach at the time “Buckwheat”.

Good news, everyone! He’s back to talking about the Tigers again this week. After declaring that Michigan will be National Champs due to their recruiting class (because recruiting class grades ALWAYS translate to the field), he moves onto baseball. And he’s beating the same "no one wuvs Detroit" drum he did with his awful Red Wings article. After all, that got him national attention! That’s always good, right? Who cares if it reflects poorly on the rest of Detroit sports fans and all the attention received was negative, right? People were paying attention to Bill! Hooray! Let’s do it again, right?

Well, just read on for yourselves. Caution: lots of cursing ahead. I can't help it.

 
Why would ESPN start the propaganda comparing Mike Trout to Miguel Cabrera again this year?

Why would a sports network compare one great player to another? That’s silly. Who does that kind of thing?

Oh yeah…everyone.

Seeing some ESPN analysts support Angels outfielder Mike Trout for MVP over the Tigers' Miguel Cabrera last season didn’t work.

It wasn’t only ESPN analysts supporting him over Miggy, you colossal shitbag. It was anyone that was heavy into sabermetrics. It was anyone that thought defense and speed should count as much toward the MVP as hitting does. It was even a surprising amount of Tigers fans that thought that while Cabrera was the better overall hitter, that Trout had the more well-rounded season that deserved the MVP award.

I’m not going to debate which side was right or wrong. And I hate most of what ESPN represents nowadays. But to blame the Worldwide Leader in Sports ™ for the swell of support Trout received last season is ignorant and ridiculous.

Ignorant + Ridiculous = Huge. So this argument is par for the course for Bill, I guess.

After Trout hit for the cycle last week, it seems some of ESPN's analysts are at it again.

Name them. I’m serious. I know you rarely, if ever, back up your statements with facts, but tell me who. My twitter timeline has been Cabrera-heavy and much more Trout-free this season than last year so far. Was ESPN supposed to ignore a great player doing a great thing?

Has anybody at ESPN looked at Cabrera’s numbers this year? The disrespect ESPN still shows the best hitter in the game today is insane.

You’re fucking crazy. And FUCK YOU for making me defend ESPN, by the way. Buster Olney and the several ESPN related accounts on Twitter have been singing Cabrera’s praises like crazy since the televised game against Texas. Mig’s exploits have been all over their coverage. It took them long enough to notice, sure, but they have been gushing about how he is the best hitter in the game non-stop lately.

What more do you want? I’m serious. Do they have to rename Baseball Tonight as “Miggy Poco Esta Noche” to satisfy you? (That would be kinda cool, I guess…)

ESPN and its media properties are there to promote their media properties first before the facts. ESPN has a branch in Southern California with a website, radio station and SportsCenter studios.

They are based in Bristol, Connecticut. No WONDER Sportscenter is based around Yale football and old Hartford Whalers highlights.

You’re actually accusing ESPN of spending too much time covering the Angels? Like they have that kind of time after spending the majority of their actual broadcasts tongue-bathing the Yankees, Red Sox, and TEBOWTEBOWTEBOW.

Promoting Trout is good for business. Promoting Cabrera makes ESPN no money.
You are an embarrassment to all Detroit sports fans and are part of the reason the nation looks down at Detroit. Please fall into spinning helicopter blades as soon as humanly possible. Thanks.

You would think with the three-homer game Cabrera had on "Sunday Night Baseball" that ESPN would see Cabrera is in a league by himself.

Yeah, no one has ever hit three homers in a game before. I’m still pissed that they didn’t immediately name Dmitri Young the greatest hitter of all time after going deep three times on Opening Day in 2005. Same with Tuffy Rhodes in 1994.

Actually, according to Wiki Answers, a player has hit three dingers in a game 491 times (by 344 different players). Sammy Sosa did it six times in his career. So did Johnny Mize. Five guys have done it five times (Albert Pujols, Dave Kingman, Joe Carter, Mark McGwire, and Carlos Delgado). By comparison, the cycle has been completed only 302 times. It’s a rarer feat on the diamond. Did you expect ESPN to ignore it?

Am I trying to downplay Cabrera? Hell, no. He’s the greatest hitter in the game and my favorite player. But to say ESPN is ignoring him in favor of Mike Trout is a fucking lie and you know it. Quit playing the “national media doesn’t notice us” card. It makes you look needy and stupid.

Cabrera is awesome. But that doesn't mean Baseball Tonight should become the "Miggy is Great Variety Hour". There are other amazing baseball players, too.

Who is the Tigers' best pitcher right now?

Still Verlander, dumbass. OH NOES! HE HAD A COUPLE MORTAL STARTS! DOOOOOM!

But if you want to go by just this season so far, the answer is easily Anibal Sanchez. He leads the Big Four starters of the Tigers in ERA by over a run, has the highest K/9 ratio, and his ERA+ is an amazing 184. The next closest is Scherzer at 128. He has a WAR of 2.3. Again, Max is the next closest at 1.6. Plus Sanchez set the Tigers record for strikeouts in a game and JUST missed a no-hitter last week. So yeah, Anibal has been the man so far.

No question it is Max Scherzer.
Justin Verlander has to — and will — find his groove again.

I BET ESPN STOLE HIS GROOVE! THOSE FUCKERS!

Right now, Scherzer is a bulldog who refuses to lose.

Oh, we’re going solely by win-loss records here. I didn’t realize you were THAT stupid. Yikes.

I’m sure Max’s impressive 7-0 record hasn’t been helped by the fact that he’s received the second highest amount of run support of all pitchers in baseball. Oh, no. It’s because he REFUSES TO LOSE. Why doesn’t that prick Porcello try that? He’s no bulldog! He’s more like a Pomeranian! LOLZ!

He not only is the top arm on the Tigers, but Scherzer arguably is the best pitcher in baseball today.
Wow. He didn't even MENTION Sanchez at all. Look. I love Max. He’s actually my favorite pitcher on the team. But come the fuck on.

Of pitchers in baseball with at least 40 innings pitched:

-Max is 39th in ERA.
-Max is tied for 4th in strikeouts. (Yu Darvish has 20 more than AJ Burnett, who is 2nd.)
-Max is 27th in WAR.
-Max is 6th in WHIP.
-Max is tied for 41st in Quality Starts (trailing Sanchez, Verlander, and Fister on his OWN TEAM ALONE).
-Max is 5th in K/9 (Sanchez and JV are 2nd and 3rd).

And so on. I love having Max Scherzer on my team. But because he’s received a ton of support on top of being pretty good so far to push his record to 7-0 does NOT make him the best pitcher in baseball.

Maybe if Buchholz, Kershaw, Harvey, Wainwright, Iwakuma, Sale, Zimmerman, Lee, King Felix, Corbin, Miller, Moore, Darvish, Anibal, and about a dozen other guys die of SARS, we can call Max the best in the game. But for now, shut the fuck up, Bill. You’re out of your element. That element is, as always, talking about sports in an intelligent way.

That concludes Bill’s baseball thoughts for this week. Thank God. But he did finish his article this week with a quick blurb on the Lions and I just HAVE to include it. Brace yourselves.

Who is my new favorite Lion?

Glover Quin. I spent 15 minutes on the "Huge Show" last week with the new Lions safety.

His passion for the game and accountability is something that the Lions desperately need on and off the field. I could hear it in his voice — he’s a winner.

Hear that, Lions fans? Bill heard it in his voice. He’s a winner! POP THE BUBBLY, DETROIT!

Calvin Johnson’s voice is that of a loser, I guess.

Bill Simonson, everyone. Forever and always…the absolute worst.

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