Monday, April 8, 2013

The Detroit Tigers Fan's Guide to the 2013 Toronto Blue Jays



Amen, sister.

One should not go into battle with another without first knowing what they are up against. As we journey along during the 2013 baseball season, TigerSnark will take an in depth look at each opponent the Tigers will face. 

The Tigers took two out of three from the Evil Empire of New YAWK and now sit at 3-3 on the young season. Am I the only one to notice that the team hasn’t won a game (OR EVEN SCORED A RUN) since Alex Avila’s daughter was born? (PANIC!) Keep an eye on this. Also, I have yet to hear if the young lady bears any resemblance to Rick Porcello. You can’t trust that guy, I tell ya. But congrats to the Avilas, nonetheless. 

Up next on the schedule is the North Miami Blue Jays of Toronto. Let’s take a look.   

Home City: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

City Known For: Being the largest city in Canada. Oddly enough, 49% of the residents were born somewhere outside of Canada. They have a huge performing arts scene and an extremely low crime rate, especially for a city its size. I’ve been there twice and it’s also the cleanest major city I’ve ever seen by a huge margin. Bravo, Toronto. 

Home Park: SkyDome Rogers Centre 

Field Known For: FieldTurf, retractable roof, hotel rooms overlooking the field, and for everyone still calling it The SkyDome. 
Fanbase: Jays fans are the Jeckyll and Hyde of baseball fans. One minute, they’ll be the most polite folks you’ve ever disagreed about baseball with. Add a few beers, though, and they’ll be throwing crap on the field and assaulting your mother. Many fans at the game are actually so drunk they think they’re at a Leafs game, I’m told. 

Formerly: Owned by the Labatt Brewing Company. Now owned by Rogers Communication, one of three corporations that currently own MLB teams. The others are Seattle and Atlanta. 
Hall of Famers (as Blue Jays): Roberto Alomar. 

Five Reasons to Hate the Blue Jays: 
1. Bell beating Trammell in the 1987 MVP voting. What a crock of shit.
2. Xenophobia
3. “About” is pronounced “a-BOWT”, not “a-BOOT”. Not difficult, Canada.
4. They ruined Mitch Williams’ life.
5. They wasted the awesome Roy Halladay’s prime. 

Best Players: Jose Bautista, Jose Reyes, Edwin Encarnacion. 

Glad They’re Gone: Omar Vizquel. Even at 74 years old, he could still make the Tigers look stupid. 

Funniest Offseason Signing: Acquiring every decent player the Marlins had (except Giancarlo Stanton) for a bunch of magic beans and a gallon of maple syrup. I guess that’s not very funny if you’re a Marlins fan, but let’s get real. There are no Marlins fans. 

Former Tigers: First Base Coach Dwayne Murphy played for Detroit in 1988. 

Most Annoying Blue Jay in History: Garth Iorg. For not wearing a condom and giving us “Tiger All-Star shortstop of the future” Cale Iorg. 

Team Strength: Jeffrey Loria being a cheap-ass. 

Team Weakness: I’m not a fan of their bullpen or R.A. Dickey’s chances at being amazing again this year. 

Stupidest Name on Roster: J.A. Happ

TigerSnark Dictionary Definition for “Happ”: Unsightly third nipple. 

Used in a Sentence: “Holy mother of God, look at that dude’ freaky-ass HAPP.”  

Say Something Nice, Jerk: Toronto was nice enough to give us new WWE Hall of Famer Trish Stratus, as well as Kelly Gruber’s mullet. I’m not sure which one is more glorious. 
2013 Probable Outlook: Many are picking the Jays to win the AL East. I have them finishing behind the Rays and winning the Wild Card. But in reality, they could be really good or really bad. It all depends on the repeated successes of question marks like Dickey, Melky Cabrera, Adam Lind, and Mark Buehrle. But don’t sleep on any team with Jose Bautista. Dude is a machine.

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